Wednesday, March 28, 2012

the 3rd chapter of my book



Chapter 3:

I could feel the Moon had risen, next to me Ingram started to stir awake. I knew that in a bit the thirst would over take me if I didn't feed soon and with that thought Ingram woke competently awake. Turn his clear eye of blue toward me and a soft curve of a smile on his sexy lips.
Evening my Akasha I can feel you are hungry no? He asked softly that if it was not for my now newly found hearing I would of not heard it. “Yes My love I am can I go with you to hunt this time? I do not want you to wait on me as if your a servant to me!” I replied. He chuckled amusingly
Me your servant? Oh my dear sweet child I would go to the end of the earth for you! Just so you may have all that you need or every wanted!”
It was my turn to laugh “Oh my love you are to sweet to me for what reason I can not comprehend. “ I softly cooed to him. With that being said I rose from out bed to walk to our bathroom to wash for out night of hunting knowing that if I look that of a Angel of the Night then I could just maybe trap my meal. I shudder at the thought I now refer Men to as my meal. Unlike Ingram I could not make myself kill my prey I could only take what I need to sedated my thirst. Even thou Ingram encourage me to finish him off so I would not so thirsty all the time I just could not bring myself yet to do it. As I was looking in the mirror adjusting my hair that use to be so lifeless that now shone as it was alive and move on it own. My hair use to be that of a copper now was a bright red of a rose that just bloomed. I stood a few more minutes in front of the mirror when I heard Ingram coming to the bathroom door already dress. He had a look I never saw in his eye before. It was that of pride,peace and lust. I turn to look at him and ask “ Ingram why do you look at me like that so?” I whispered to him. Laughing heartily he looked at me “Do you really not see what I see?” He asked me. “No what do you see all I see is a women who has suffered for all her life and was lonely but now I have you.” I said looking at him thou the mirror in front of me. Ingram walk up behind me and put his arms around me taking his left hand making my face look at myself in the mirror and replied “ Look at yourself not with your eyes but thou mine!” As he placed his right hand to where my heart use to beat. “Look at what I see! I see this extroversion of a women who even thou been thou Hell and back has still remain someone who care not only of what other are going thou but what she can do to help ease their suffering. I see a true pure soul that can and will break not only my curse but the curse that is also on the fallen of mankind!” He continued as he stroked the side of my face with the back of his hand. “Your beauty can not compare to not even to Eywa herself or that of Aphrodite's looks. To me nothing can compare to you all other pale compare to what is inside of you. For not only do you have that of true beauty on the outside but what you have in your heart and soul is so much more then the purest diamond or gold!” As he trailed of the vision of what he saw of me nearly knocked me over and had not Ingram been behind me pressed up against me I am surely would have fallen! I saw a women with hair so red it look as if it was alive, touch of highlight seam to hit in the right spot that her hair look like red gold sunset one moment next that of red hot lava. Her skin was that of purest white driven snow not a flaw was in that skin of porcelain. The most shocking was her eyes it was that of a bright emerald green as if a light was shinning thou them. What was more strange those same Emerald green eyes could show compassion and love but there was a hint of the passion of angry if was betrayed or crossed with a way of making a person stop in their track. Then to see the air of confidence that strolled around her as if it was a cloak or second skin, Standing tall with shoulder back that brought forth her heavy laid bosoms to her slim fitting waist to her shapely hips of a women who could hold her ground but was still soft as a women should be. I was so shocked I nearly cried for when I look back from what Ingram saw of me I saw him in the reflection of the mirror you could clearly see the love he had for me shine out of his eye there was no mistake about it he truly loved me. I started to cry softly as Ingram turn me around to face him saying “Now you see why I look at you so? I have never though I could love another so much as I do you! You complete me and make me whole. I can feel as I can live all my day in the dark as long as you are by my side.” I look up from where I had laid my head to stare in his eye that when I first meet him thought was eye of ice but now I see are filled with love. “I will never leave you my love I shall follow you to where ever you may go as long as you wish me to be by your side!” I whispered softly but knew Ingram heard me for his eyes light up and a smile came across his handsome face. With that he lean down to kiss me and place me in a tight grip of a hug that would of crushed a normal person. I started to laugh as at that moment the thirst had hit me and made my stomach rumble which in return cause Ingram to laugh hard which made me laugh harder. “Come my love let go feed so that your thirst may not be come out of control. I know who you do not wish to kill the prey but hear me now never let the thirst become uncontrollable for if it does yo will have no control over yourself and many will die at you hand!” Ingram had warn me. I shudder at the though of me being out of control and hurting a innocents. “Lets go then I am dress for the night and I shall like to get my fill without killing anyone if that is possible may take me a few men but I am game for it!” I had stated to him. Ingram just chuckled and grab my hand and said “Let go my love the night is waiting us and we have lots to do before the sunrise run us inside!” As we walk out in to the twilight of the dark night the moon shown bright as look as if it was a promising night for us to hunt we could hear the sounds of music and laughter in the air. I raised my head to the sky with a deep inhale of the night I could smell the pumping blood that was to feed me tonight as I was sure so could Ingram. I turn to look at Ingram as he look at me, we grinned to each other and ran off in to the night for our meal... 
copyright 2021-ahsws-B-SAW-company-2012 

Sorry it been a few day

Sorry folk it been a few day since I last written but between the going thou stuff and now two days off of soda which I have been on for the past 18+ years it been ruff on me.. As it is I have the shakes and terrible headaches and extremely grouchy.. Ugh I hate this but I must break this addiction I have for my beloved Dr Pepper plus I know when I do I will loose some weight at least 20 pounds or so cause I drink in the up wards of 24 pack or more a day if I allow myself which I am surprised that my kidney have not shut down lol  or that my blood sugar has not gone crazy lol heck I bet you if you taped my blood it come out Dr Pepper not blood that how much I drink any ways I can not stay on here I really must go thou the rest of my closet I am almost done plus it driving me crazy this clutter ugh plus I got only 38 more days they are going by fast and the fact I got 9 days before my Yard sale start so I hope you all have a great day and please pardon my absent if I am not writing ever day love you all and thanks for all your support also am posting the third chapter of my book hope you all enjoy :o)

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Will I fit in with my own family or still be a odd ball out

sigh I am sitting here my mind can not seam to be stopping wondering a lot of things like.. when I get home will my kids fit in.. will the family love my kids as much as I do .. Will the family treat them as the family and not a outsider like they have been treated before .. It been almost 12 years since I have been home and around my family .. I never felt as I fit in my family any where. I have always march to my own beat of music and still do to this day and think my children should do the same.. Heck I never fit in High School either while all the kids was wearing Wrangler's or some cowboy/girl shirt and Roper boots. I was wearing holey Jeans with a flannel wrapped around my waist and wearing a wife beater with my fringe suede leather jacket (oh how I miss that jacket it was really old) or Granny dress with the buttons that went the length of the dress and i had only like 4 of them button wearing biker shorts under it .. It like i was from a different planet all together heck when Music class did a remake of the musical Grease while all the other kids was hunting down cloths at a costume store all I had to do was go in my closet! My step dad had a pair of old Navy bell bottom pants that i painted on it then my old Tye dyed shirt and head band and a feather clip with blue John Lenard glass lol and don't forget my suede fringe leather jacket lol ! I look like I stepped out of a time machine lol .. Some time growing I swear I was dropped into my family and that one of the many reason I left home and moved so far away and now that I am going back I am worried not just for me but for my kids on how well we fit back in with my family . I am kinda on different plain level with the way I think and do things Hell I am 33 year old single mom I am cover in tattoos and I got piercing and my hair at this moment is Blueish green but I love my kids with all my heart I do anything for them .. I also believe that is always good to play in the rain with ur kids it does wonders for ur heart and soul as well as strengthen ur relationship with ur kids . I believe that my kids should be able to talk to me about anything even if i am uncomfortable with what they are talking about i do my best to help them or have someone who know more help them. I believe that sometime having a good sit down and cry / scream is good for your heart and mind when thing seam to be too much . Just as I also believe that it is far better to say what you feel so other know what your thinking and feeling then not to say anything and other misunderstood who and what you are about . I am me and that all I am going to be whether I ever be come a famous writer or artist or just being a Mom I am who I am and my children love me for that. as I want them to be them self no matter what that may bring .. And if for some reason me being the odd ball out in my family does not allow my kids the chances to have a larger family then the just me and a few friends who is like family.. I will not cry, I will not get upset! I will keep on being me and love my kids enough for three family. we did good so far this past few years we will be okay for many more .... thou I will admit I want my kids to fit in with my family they are too precious not to be loved they warm my heart each and every day i am sure they do the same to the family :o)

Friday, March 23, 2012

Let it rain! Let it rain 43 more days left

Well I woke up this morning after spending most of the night talking to Mr X and yes we are still talking folk we are friends after all. And let put it this way a lot of thing come out in the open for instance the reason Mr X and ex wife still in the same house is to help each other out on bills. Which I can totally understand the economy sucks. So with that knowledge and a few other thing we talk about the past and the thing that has happen to me and thing that happen to him and how I am still in his heart always and care deeply for me. Which make the fact I love him still a lot better and we have decided to take thing slow and be good friends and see where thing go if they go any where other then friends. I am torn between wanting us to be more then just friends and then just happy that Mr X is back in my life. I am a very confused person right now but then again when am I not confused about something lol. Well Mr X and I talk till like 5:30 in the morning and it was nice i can not stress how nice it was lol.
  Well as for as today i woke up after my hour sleep to get the kids up and ready and out the door for school. After thee kids left I sat on my bed rethinking about the thing Mr X and I talk about last night. I got the dogs  out and drank my coffee and fiddle on face book for a bit then I got up and start what I need to do but I am telling you this I am so tempted to burn it all. I really am ugh I am telling you  you never know how much stuff you have till you gotta move or get rid of things. If i don't burn it I am seriously thinking of just putting out on the curb with a sign saying free lol . Other then that thing are okay kids had a good day and no homework. So they are watching T.v and just about getting done eating their Pizza and Milk . Me on the other hand am enjoying a nice salad with very little ranch on it then I have a couple pieces of Pizza .. man gotta love frozen pizza lol make life easier :o)
  As far as the weekend I am going to try to work more on my room and still have family time like we have every weekend. I got a couple of movie for the kids to watch one being a classic Lady and the Tramp lol . Well Pizza timer went off so I better get off here Hope all have a great Friday and even better Weekend till next time Ciao

Thursday, March 22, 2012

44 more day and then of packing dont seam to end lol

Well I hurt my back and right knee helping a friend out she had a flat tire and need me walk to her with some smoke and a drink while she waiting on someone to help her with the flat tire. Well walking to her i stepped down wrong and my knee cap flipped over on me and in that processes which threw my back out of place with that sever nerve damage.. So as I sit here writing this my back is hurting. Will be glad when the kids are in bed I am going to soak in tub and then go to bed early tonight but at least I got to get out of the house today lol and got to go to Wendy for lunch  all I had only a Jr Bacon Burger and I was full and hurting so guess that means my stomach has gone down in size lol . I also decided to when run out of soda I am going to cut soda out of my diet and I will keep my coffee and drink more water and hoping that will help my loose some more weight . So fair warning I am going to be Crabby lol .Well I know this is short but I gotta go make kids their dinner and lay down a bit cause again I gotta work some more on my closet. Uugghh I swear it will never end lol well I got least 9 day to go thou the house so I can have stuff ready for a yard sale like the first weekend of April and have one every weekend till first of May that should give me enough time to sale everything if not then I donated the rest of it.. Figured that would help me I gave my self a smaller date to have all this gone thou then all I gotta do is get enough boxes and pack all the stuff and be waiting on May 4 I am so happy can't wait for the move to be over with lol and to be able to see all my old friends and my family 12 year is way to long to not see the family.. Well I better run it almost 7pm and Kids need their dinner talk to you all later bye Ciao

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

tired but happy

well kids got their report cards today and am proud to say that it as all very good A's and B's on all three of them .. all is going well as far as the move goes 44 day since today almost over with the only minor set back is my health something up with my back i have a syntactic nerve messing up and for the most part it has always been in my lower back but the past few days it has traveled up my back and bother my neck and left arm i can barely life my left arm and barely  move my neck and the pain is killing me which make my head pound and i cant seam to stay awake oh well must keep moving on no choice i got alot to do and short time in it well it getting late and i need to finish making dinner hope u all have a great night .Ciao

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

why is it for the most you can not trust people

Hello all today going to be a rant and rave day so I apologize now if you get offended it just I need to do this cause what just happen to be is bugging the Hell out of me and I need to get this out before I try to go clean my closet out for the move......
   How is it that now a day when you truly do something out of the goodness of your heart cause someone was hurting they end up stabbing you in the back!!! I might of told you that a friend of mine I have known for at least 5 years. He can be what called a typical man at time but still I thought he was a good guy just had a bit of a ruff life. Well he came to my house late in the evening on the 8th needing a place to crash he didn't have a place to crash so I said sure why not if I was in the same boat I want someone to show me kindness. Well I had him sleeping in the play room and all thing seam to be okay and we hung out I let him use my prepaid cell phone so he could call his girl that he sent home in another state. Feed him cause I can't eat in front of people who doesn't have anything to eat. Then Monday came around and he was able to get his job back so he worked during the week it seam that thing was okay he was getting himself straight to be able to move back home to his girl. He was even helping me raise up the money to get my divorce finalized and on Friday he gave me 40 buck out of the 200 and told me he has to work the weekend and was staying at his boss house so they could go straight to the job site.. I am like okay i can understand that. He said be be back Sunday when work was done and also with the rest of the money form the stuff he sold for me.. Well Sunday night came and went Monday rolled around still he hasn't been back his suitcase is till here. So Monday night I called his girlfriend and ask if she had heard from him and of course she say she hasn't and was going to find out what she could by calling his cousin and old boss. Well it Tuesday now and thou it morning I still haven't heard from him or his girl now and I am beginning to get pissed off not for the fact he hasn't stayed here but for the fact he said he have the rest of my money by the weekend end. I hate being lied too or taken advantage of .. If he could not sell the rest of the stuff I gave him then he should bring it back to me no big deal. I came up to a conclusion that one of a few thing has happen .. 1) he got thrown in jail for unknown reason ..2 ) He took my stuff and ran or what not and dont care about his suitcase of what I am guessing is cloths .. 3) He still working and cause he has no time on his phone he is not able to call me ...
  I am not sure what to believe I don't wanna be believe the worst things but what am I to do I have been screwed over more time then I can count but yet I don't wanna be like everyone else and not help people cause I know not all people take advantage pf other who are helping them. But what should I do I am upset to the point my stomach hurts and I feel sick and it hard for me to concentrated on going thou my house to get more stuff I need to sell.. So now I don't just have to raise moving/car money I gotta raise 160 more buck to get my divorcee.. Thant need to be filed in less then two weeks so that it hopefully be granted and done. which means I can get my and my kids last name changed and get new social security cards in the right name .. sigh I wish at time I could be cold heart like everyone else then maybe I would not be taken advantage. well I think I am going to lay down to get my stomach calm then I have to get up and start going thou my closet I got a lot of money to make to get what I need .... Hope everyone has a better day then me ..CIAO 

Monday, March 19, 2012

it Monday again O.o

Well Monday has rolled around again I got only 6 more Monday left till the big move. I have spent the day making phone call to the doc and still waiting on one to call me back this evening when she done with her appointments. I got the sound on the T.v down low to the show of M.A.S.H a classic in my opinion. The kids are playing in the play room. Homework is done and dinner is finish. the dog are laying in the hallway and I am on here enjoying a soft breeze coming in the windows. I have submitted a new poem for a book. If I get it then that will make two poems published in a book and one on a web site thinking I am doing pretty good. And tomorrow I will try and go thou my closet uugghh am dreading it. It has at least 5 years of stuff stuffed in there Oo lol well I get it done and then it be off to do the rest of my room then the rest of the house so wish me luck guy cause I am soo going to need it my energy level has not been what it should be but i do got a strong will i get it done ... So with that i bid you ado and go spend some time with kids before bed :o)

Sunday, March 18, 2012

final count down begain

Well it been what some would call a good weekend even after a few minor set back the Kids and I seem to bounced back, But other then that the weather was great not to hot and not to cold with a soft breeze coming thou the house I have the windows open and the doors open and at night I still leave most the windows open. of course with two large dog roaming the house I pity the fool who try to even think of breaking in lol . Cause if my girl dog don't get them my boy dog who weigh over 130 and as of today have broken 10 heavy dog chain and 7 wire plastic coated dog leads and today was one of them i fixed it but unfortunate again be broke the clip part off the chain he straighten the chain link straight. So now i gotta find another wire hanger and wrap the clip to the chain last time took me almost a hour to fix the first break .. I swear I am going to have to go to the hardware store and buy a light weight car tow chain and heavy duty clips and pray my silly giant does not break it ... shaking my head ...well tomorrow is Monday and I am going to be busy busy between call I have to make and start going thou my closet and get more items ready for the yard sale next month .. lol maybe I can talk a friend into helping me lol it would get done faster. Well the count done is 48 days left yay can not wait it like a new adventure
well it getting late and i need to get the kiddo in bed for school tomorrow hope yo all have a great Monday :o)


Saturday, March 17, 2012

trying to hold it together for the kids sake

can i scream yet i knew that there be some hiccups in these plans to move but not like this the friend of my sister has just backed out of helping us and my sister husband cant take time off work other wise he would and we had changed the date from 6-1 to 5-1 and now even that up in the air and i may have to move by myself and I am scared cause that me traveling with 3 kids in a u haul truck and a 130 pound rotti am soo worried not sure what to do bless my sister she trying everything she can to figure something out but now my stomach hurting just at the thought of this trip and the idea of me doing this by myself
I do it if i have to but it be so much easier if i had help if u know what i mean .. heck cant u tell i am upset i havnt taken the time to write properly :o( well what ever happens happens one way or another i am leaving on the 5-1 with or without help and either nerves intacted or scrambled i just have to do as they say put on my Big Girl panties and get on with it lol .. hope the rest of u all have a good st patrick day and good weekend

Friday, March 16, 2012

Dealing with the hands we are given!

Well it another Friday and today the kids do not have school it almost 1 pm and my babies are playing in the play room I am bored to a point  in a bit ai ma going to start family time.It funny how life is I have been helping a young man I know by letting him crash in one of my rooms he does not have a place to live and I was his last resort. Good thing is he was able to go back to him construction job. I can not charge him anything to stay here I think it would be wrong.. I figure the good deed was payment enough ask him when he does get on his own feet to help someone else who needs it you like pay it forward. I figure if everyone just did that help even just one person and that person in return help someone else we would be a better world. I know most of you all know what pay it forward heck the had a movie about where Helen Hunt was in it but the basic Idea is If you help just 3 people and those 3 people helped 3 people each and so forth it would be like a huge triangle and alot of people would be so much better off and alot would not end up homeless or on welfare.. Now before any of you get upset by what I just said know I think it okay if someone truly need welfare cause there has been a time or two I myself was on it. It just those who don’t need it or have abused it that i have a problem with.. Up till about 4 years ago I was able to work and I worked hard sometime two or three jobs to take care of my children. I will admit enjoy being able to be here more for my kids thou i would love to be able to work if my health would allow me. As it is after I get done on here I am going to have to lay down cause with my sever nerve damage in my back will start spamming which is very painful. But this is my life I struggle every day to make it as best as I can and love my children with all my life. Well i got some life changing news the children and I are moving from Georgia back to Missouri. Where I grew up as a teenager. A friend of mine from High school is going to help me move and we be sorta living in a RV for the summer as I strive to save enough money up to get our own place before school. You may ask why that I am moving to a place where I have no home yet well it like this I am living ina house that really should be torn down. The house it self is not the best and don’t get me wrong I am grateful to have a roof over our head but this how has made my children sick I have always been after the land lord to fix the problem with the house and he has not the back part of the house has no light in it all the wire to the lights are either split/cut or just don’t work. The floor are caving in in spot and any day one wrong step will send me or my kids thou the floor. The house is so drafty the during the Winter I have to dress the kids very warm just to make sure they are warm (they go to bed with hoodie on at night and have 5 blankets layered on their bed). The roof leaks in the back part of the house. Then the hallway bathroom toilet leak sewage every time you flush it and if you take a shower in the hallway bathroom the shower leak water so the hallway floor is soak the it also leaks in to the back bedroom to the point it now growing black mood and no matter what I do I can’t seam to get rid of hit so we tend to stay out of that room so None of us get sick. So now you know why I am wanting to move out of here and I rather not stay in Georgia I rather be living in Missouri plus my oldest daughter live in Missouri and I want to be more in her life then just a phone call cause her dad won’t let me see her or visit me . So I hope you can see why I like to move.. Well I have talk your ears off and the kids are up so I need to go and make them breakfast I hope everyone has a Good Friday and may all your dreams come true and thanks to all who have or will vote for me Bless you all :o) .. 



Thursday, March 15, 2012

As we hurt the world never seam to stop .. 3rd part of book on here

Hey folks it me again and as u know I got only 78 more days till the big move but some thing have happen that has dampen my spirit a little you all know how I have talked about Mr.X and how I am still in love with him but we are still friends at this moment. Well this morning as I was relaxing I felt the urge to send Mr. X a text to see how he was doing well it was not good His ex who they still live under the same roof has a medical condition that his making her real sick. Well Mr.X took her to the doc a couple days back to have test run and well they got the result today.. Doc say she has if luck only two year to life cause this medical condition is basically starving her body to death. There is nothing at this moment the doc can do so when Mr X told me this news I was concern and ask him what was they going to do? He replied he was not sure I told him I was praying for her to be heal or if is is not in the cards to be heal that she does not suffer. No one should be made to suffer and that I was there for him if he need to talk. Mr x did not reply back which I could understand that is a lot to take hin when the mother of your child is dieing and there nothing that can be done. So as I lay in bed praying that thing would work out for them two I cam to realized that he need a word of encouragement so this is what I sent him and I meant every word ...
  "I been thinking about what you said about you guys did not know what to do .. I know what u two need to do! And that is to put all the hurt, all the angrier, all past mistakes, all animosity of mistrust all of it BEHIND YOU GUYS! Live in the moment, make each day more special then yesterday! Love one another, be there  for each other and Ur kid. Just be in each other hearts,  take each day you guys have left and make wonderful memory for Ur child so when time does come for %^*(*&^ (name is left out for reason) life to be over and her soul goes to heaven u and ur kid have spent last days in happiness, love ... Yes it will be ruff just don't give up and know friends like me r praying and r here for both of you guys... "

  That is what I sent and no have not heard back from Mr X but at least he know I am here for both of them and for now I will have to put my heart and my love on a selves again and not think about that now and if possible move on thou it will be hard the world does not stop moving .. As much as I like this world to be perfect and everyone is without sickness and are with their true love and soul mate at last his world is so far from prefect it is total ciaos or even to be said it is out of control.. And you wonder why I am always want to read a god book and get lost in a world of make believe for at least in their life is not so crazy as the world we all live in well I guess I get off here I can feel the heat of the day creeping in my house and I am sitting in the back of house so I need to go to the front where it is cooler and try to not over heat lol..
  Well I will be pasting the 3rd chapter of my book in here for you all to read let me know what you think??............



Chapter 3:

I could feel the Moon had risen, next to me Ingram started to stir awake. I knew that in a bit the thirst would over take me if I didn't feed soon and with that thought Ingram woke competently awake. Turn his clear eye of blue toward me and a soft curve of a smile on his sexy lips.
Evening my Akasha I can feel you are hungry no? He asked softly that if it was not for my now newly found hearing I would of not heard it. “Yes My love I am can I go with you to hunt this time? I do not want you to wait on me as if your a servant to me!” I replied. He chuckled amusingly
Me your servant? Oh my dear sweet child I would go to the end of the earth for you! Just so you may have all that you need or every wanted!”
It was my turn to laugh “Oh my love you are to sweet to me for what reason I can not comprehend. “ I softly cooed to him. With that being said I rose from out bed to walk to our bathroom to wash for out night of hunting knowing that if I look that of a Angel of the Night then I could just maybe trap my meal. I shudder at the thought I now refer Men to as my meal. Unlike Ingram I could not make myself kill my prey I could only take what I need to sedated my thirst. Even thou Ingram encourage me to finish him off so I would not so thirsty all the time I just could not bring myself yet to do it. As I was looking in the mirror adjusting my hair that use to be so lifeless that now shone as it was alive and move on it own. My hair use to be that of a copper now was a bright red of a rose that just bloomed. I stood a few more minutes in front of the mirror when I heard Ingram coming to the bathroom door already dress. He had a look I never saw in his eye before. It was that of pride,peace and lust. I turn to look at him and ask “ Ingram why do you look at me like that so?” I whispered to him. Laughing heartily he looked at me “Do you really not see what I see?” He asked me. “No what do you see all I see is a women who has suffered for all her life and was lonely but now I have you.” I said looking at him thou the mirror in front of me. Ingram walk up behind me and put his arms around me taking his left hand making my face look at myself in the mirror and replied “ Look at yourself not with your eyes but thou mine!” As he placed his right hand to where my heart use to beat. “Look at what I see! I see this extroversion of a women who even thou been thou Hell and back has still remain someone who care not only of what other are going thou but what she can do to help ease their suffering. I see a true pure soul that can and will break not only my curse but the curse that is also on the fallen of mankind!” He continued as he stroked the side of my face with the back of his hand. “Your beauty can not compare to not even to Eywa herself or that of Aphrodite's looks. To me nothing can compare to you all other pale compare to what is inside of you. For not only do you have that of true beauty on the outside but what you have in your heart and soul is so much more then the purest diamond or gold!” As he trailed of the vision of what he saw of me nearly knocked me over and had not Ingram been behind me pressed up against me I am surely would have fallen! I saw a women with hair so red it look as if it was alive, touch of highlight seam to hit in the right spot that her hair look like red gold sunset one moment next that of red hot lava. Her skin was that of purest white driven snow not a flaw was in that skin of porcelain. The most shocking was her eyes it was that of a bright emerald green as if a light was shinning thou them. What was more strange those same Emerald green eyes could show compassion and love but there was a hint of the passion of angry if was betrayed or crossed with a way of making a person stop in their track. Then to see the air of confidence that strolled around her as if it was a cloak or second skin, Standing tall with shoulder back that brought forth her heavy laid bosoms to her slim fitting waist to her shapely hips of a women who could hold her ground but was still soft as a women should be. I was so shocked I nearly cried for when I look back from what Ingram saw of me I saw him in the reflection of the mirror you could clearly see the love he had for me shine out of his eye there was no mistake about it he truly loved me. I started to cry softly as Ingram turn me around to face him saying “Now you see why I look at you so? I have never though I could love another so much as I do you! You complete me and make me whole. I can feel as I can live all my day in the dark as long as you are by my side.” I look up from where I had laid my head to stare in his eye that when I first meet him thought was eye of ice but now I see are filled with love. “I will never leave you my love I shall follow you to where ever you may go as long as you wish me to be by your side!” I whispered softly but knew Ingram heard me for his eyes light up and a smile came across his handsome face. With that he lean down to kiss me and place me in a tight grip of a hug that would of crushed a normal person. I started to laugh as at that moment the thirst had hit me and made my stomach rumble which in return cause Ingram to laugh hard which made me laugh harder. “Come my love let go feed so that your thirst may not be come out of control. I know who you do not wish to kill the prey but hear me now never let the thirst become uncontrollable for if it does yo will have no control over yourself and many will die at you hand!” Ingram had warn me. I shudder at the though of me being out of control and hurting a innocents. “Lets go then I am dress for the night and I shall like to get my fill without killing anyone if that is possible may take me a few men but I am game for it!” I had stated to him. Ingram just chuckled and grab my hand and said “Let go my love the night is waiting us and we have lots to do before the sunrise run us inside!” As we walk out in to the twilight of the dark night the moon shown bright as look as if it was a promising night for us to hunt we could hear the sounds of music and laughter in the air. I raised my head to the sky with a deep inhale of the night I could smell the pumping blood that was to feed me tonight as I was sure so could Ingram. I turn to look at Ingram as he look at me, we grinned to each other and ran off in to the night for our meal... 

copyright 2021-ahsws-B-SAW-company-2012 
 













Wednesday, March 14, 2012

What a wonderful day

Well today has been a good day I got food in the house and did really good got two huge cart full of food and only for 400 bucks and then i got dishes done and the frig clean out and dinner cook and ssi for my son transferred to my bank acct and did this all in a few hours plus got the kids homework done too lol I am very happy I also learned that the trip back home the drive wont take but 14 hours instead of nearly 20 hours lol which make me happy lol I was kinda dreading that 20 hour drive straight thou lol but NOW IT A REAL EASY DRIVE JUST 14 HOURS WHICH ISN'T THAT BAD LOL OOPS SORRY ABOUT THE CAPS lol my caps button got stuck now I gotta call the u haul company tomorrow and see if i can put one on stand by till i am ready and then when pick it up pay for it that way i dont have to worry about not having one when i need it know cross all ur T's and dot all ur I's sorta speak .. next is start going thou stuff and start packing what I don't need right now and get stuff ready to be packed and the stuff that not going ready to be sold or get rid of .. well i better get off here and go get some more stuff done got less then 79 days left till the big move yay :o)

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

How do you stop loving your soul mate?

Hey everyone I am so confused more then ever. What you may ask well remember me telling you I realized I was still in love with my high school sweet heart let just call him Mr. X . Well Mr. X is also a friend of mine or what you would say we remained friends thou out these years.. Well Mr. X text  me last night at 1 am asking me if I was up of course I was. So we talk on the phone and thou the course of our talking I find out Mr. X is not married no more he and his old lady got divorces but they still live in the same house. For what reason I do not know yet but I am sure he tell me why when he ready. You must be wondering what my problem is well it this - ! he feel lonely and terrible about the thing going on in his life nothing it seam make his ex happy and she like to fight with him all the time and he so tired of it and 2 Well as bad as it sounds I am happy they are not married no more but yet i feel terrible about it cause I hate to see him so upset lie this and I have now clue what to do to make it better for him. I love him that much that I rather see him happy then hurting even if that meant it not with me. What do I do I want to be the best friend a person can be in this situation and just do the very best to keep my love that I still have for him at bay so not to interfere with what ever happen and yet I can not walk away from him as a friend it would crush him.
  Why does life have to be so damn hard at time I know it the hard time that defines of but Sweet Josepha I had way to much share of hard time. I swear I can not remember a time in my life that was not always hard . From either getting beat as a child from ur mom who back then they did not know was depressed or had bipolar, to being sexually abused at 7. To being raped at 13 just 5 day shy of 14 birthday then to being beaten by a jealousy boyfriend. TO getting pregnant at a young age cause I was just trying to find love then of course when I found out I was pregnant Mr. X and I knew it was not his but he was willing to step up and be a father and wanted to marry me to only have my parent ship me off to a girl home for pregnant women and try to keep him out of my life . to have  my oldest son having to move out of parents home to work two full time job and still go back to school to get my GED and still care for my son. to lose my son real father to a murder to meeting my oldest daughter father during a ruff morning period to have him beat me and then I leave while pregnant with his child to have him follow me and bring me back to getting beat and him taking my daughter way and that just the small details of those year there at least 14 more years i have not told you about and really to be frank just do not wanna get in to it now may be one day but not to day. As it is with the dark sky outside it is starting to cast a dark cloud over my soul and i am trying my hardest not to fall in depression twisted trap .. so I think I bid you all ado for now and remember never stop believing in your dream for if you do how will your dream come true

Monday, March 12, 2012

Finally there is light at the end of this tunnel

Hey Folks sorry about no post yesterday... It been a long weekend I have made some Life changing decision in my kids and mine life and that is ...... We are moving back home to Missouri .... My best friend from high school is helping me .. She coming up here to help me pack the kids and my stuff and we are heading home as of June 1st and with that said I have so much to do! Gotta go thou all our stuff get ride of by either yard sale or donated the stuff and have all other stuff I need to that I am taking Packed up and ready. Call Lawyer and talk to them and them start looking for Doctor for Shawn eyes and the other doctors too and my own. I am so excited I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel lol.. I even looked up the cost of a u- haul and found one that is just the right price and should be enough room for all kids and my stuff.. I am so excited I can't say it enough lol Heck can't even write lol .. For the first time in I don't know when I am clam and happy not stressed out.. my headaches don't even hurt that bad just a dull roar.. I end up having a great Sunday :o) ... The kids are so excited to and even thou when we move we be staying with my friend and her family it just a start.. I already got my cousin look for places for rent that would fit our needs and it in a town I want to live in Neosho,Mo  ... Which has a great school district I should know I went to school there lol. Now on to other stuff which plague me .. My high school sweet heart and dearest best guy friend in the world is back in my life after 14 years of searching for him we found each other.. we are friends and forth most at this time but last night I came to realize why I never have found true love or why none of my relationships is cause I am still in love with my high school sweet heart.. he is my soul mate the other half of a whole and what sucks is he feel the same but he is married and I WILL NEVER COME BETWEEN HIM AND HIS WIFE JUST NOT who I am... So here the question how do u get over ur true love... Please someone help me I wanna be happy in love for a change :/ Well I am going to go for now I got a lot of stuff to do before June .. Hope u all have a Great Monday and remember ....
  "Any man who knows all the answer most likely misunderstood the question.. Or ... Tears are words the heart can't not express..~ BY: WOLFGANG RIEBE ~ "

Saturday, March 10, 2012

In ruff time such as this :o(

Well between the fact I can't work and not always having the money to start a at home job or to be able to just pay the bills is quit hard almost to the point of impossible .. I came across this link for stay at home mom and I checked it out and it sound great and it easy for me to do cause I do that type of Job here at home just for fun or to get the word out only problem I ran into is I don't have the what they call the start up fee of 100 but I figure I at least pass the link on too u all maybe someone else can benefit from this
http://stay-home-moms.com/
so anyways here i sit hungry as hell wishing I had something to eat  but know I don't what I do got is for the kids and they need to eat I probable could stand to go a few days without eating lol I loose some weight and what not. I am kinda depressed in a way my great grandma viewing is tomorrow and the funeral is on Monday and neither of which I can make it to. My little sisters are missing me as I am missing them. BY all that is holy from the Goddess I wish I was home now. I know I keep harping about hating it here but I do. I miss my family so much plus I know if I was at home with my family I would not be starving like I am now lol
  well I can't write no more too hungry to think but let me leave you all with a word of advise ...
"If you cannot help worrying, remember that worrying cannot help you either. Today is the Tomorrow you worried about Yesterday. If you worry you die, if you don't worry you die, so why worry? By WOLFGANG RIEBE"

Friday, March 9, 2012

Oh what a night! Oh what a way to make me stress

Well folks it Friday again let just say already my night last night and this morning has defiantly been out of the normal. Started at almost 11 pm with a knock at the door it turn out a old friend of mine need a place to crash so I gave him the Play room to crash in since I didn't have a couch. So he crashes and then I get a call from my sorta room mate who dog I am also watch which I love to do she so well behaved but he now saying that his trip out of town might take longer then plan which mean he wont be back here for a while but later in the conversation he might not be able to give me the money for his part of like rent and bills which means I wont be able to get the divorces filed all the way. Which in return will make my soon to be ex husband really mad at me and who know what will happen if he get angry hence why I am not with him now and don't want him any where near me or my kids. So that made it a ruff night for me then as morning comes I woke up with a killer headache again like for the ump time this week. So sick of these headaches and all the set backs just one day like to see things go the right way! I know they say that which don't kill you make you stronger or for all the trails and tribulation your reward will be that much sweeter but just once just once I like to see that I do not gotta struggle so freaking damn hard every day. Hell I  didn't have much to eat last night beside some sweet pickles and a small sandwich for dinner last night. I did make sure the kids ate well last night that more important then me eating and that even more so today am Starving but what can I do but hold out as long as possible to make sure the kids eat. I got 5 more days to get thou and my food money comes in I think I can do it lol or at least I hope so.
    Well anyways on to other things I  going to try to write some more on my book but I will admit at this moment my head hurt so bad it taking me so long to just write this lol but we just have to see. I do hope that everyone has a great Friday today and even better Weekend but I will leave you with this little ditty I did last night on my Face Book status .Hope you find it funny as I do lol :o) .........

 Someone come recuse me from myself think I am going insane if I gotta spend another day to myself! I can't get out need you to come to get me, my car is busted and am broke. I had enough of the computer enough of the T.V. The radio gotta go. Please someone rescues me from myself before I go insane. The wall are closing in even with the front door open I can not stand it no more I swear I saw the wall was moving and the the ceiling coming after me oh please won't you come to save me I swear if you don't I just might be a goner.
Someone please come recuse me from myself I thinking I am going insane. I swear I just saw the T.V just talk to me, The computer just flashed me and the radio has asked me to dance.. oh me oh my it finally happen I think I have lost my mind please come recuse me before I get worse ... as I dance around the house singing "shimming shimming coco puff with a tutu on my head............




And remember never let anyone tell you can not do what you dream of doing If you truly want something in life go for it you never know what will happen till you try :o) .. Ciao  

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Day 1 if the workout O.o

Oh me My this the first day I started my workout and let me tell you this Oh MY God I am so out of shape am began to think that May be this was not a good idea lol after 45 minutes workout I am tired in pain and starving  and there NOTHING I can eat cause what I do have in way of food it just enough to feed the kids dinner and get thou till the 14 :o( I did find a jar of sweet pickles so hungry ate them and I am not found of pickles but oh well it something oh please may the 14th get here running out of alot of thing and what not! Days like this I keep hearing the song "My mom said there be days like this!" and all I can do is just shake my head and try to laugh cause I knew I wanted to loose weight but boy is this extreme lol.
Well I guess I keep doing this video cause I so need to get back in shape asap cause after looking at the women on the DVD oh my I sure love to look like that. Flat tummy able to wear cloths that is made to be cute or sexy and not just wear wife beaters and jeans wanna be able to wear a bathing suit with out having a cover up on ..
 well I think I am going to go now I know this one a short blog but I got a few thing I like to get done before the kids get home and one being writing more if I can on my Book "Smiles Hides The Pain" so for now everyone have a great Thursday and Ciao for now

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

it started of with a son marking his spot :O)

well I figured I better write something in cause this so called Solar flare knocks out our internet and what night lol so I figured tomorrow was good as any tho try and the key word is try to start my work out DVD ugh I know I am lazy just do not like pain but I know the saying No Pain No Gain and I like to gain my body back. I noticed I have start loosing inches I got more of that classic 60 Hour Glass figure coming back in which I think is sweet I always love that classic 50's and 60's look of a women body not the way they look now ugh to skinny for my taste I think a women should have some meat on her bones and curves in all the right places . Well I can say this I am between 4 to 6 size from where I wanna be lol No I am not telling you what size I am now you just have to wait till I loose it all then I say what I was to where I am now. What funny is those close to me and know me don't believe me when I tell them what I weight but that do not mean I am telling you. I do not want my weight all over the internet at least not yet! Well enough of that on to other thing. My day really started out weird ... How you may ask well don't say I didn't warn you. It started out with my 9 year old son deiced to pee on his younger sister bedroom door which happen to be right next to the hallway bathroom and when I asked him why the first thing he said was he couldn't make it to the bathroom. I raised my eyebrow and said "Really you wanna try that again and tell me the real reason cause at that spot u was only two steps from the toilet!" So my son then informs me he was trying to draw a house!! Yes folk that right mu son try to draw a house out of pee! Yucky so I try not to get to mad nor do I try to laugh cause really to a stupid point it kinda funny but not really. Well I made he clean it up and told him if he ever did that again I would tan his rear end. So that started my day off with a bang then around 10am I realized I was hungry and went to find something to eat to not find anything to eat cause everything I got food wise is set up to feed the kids dinner during the week and for weekend meals so with a sigh I made garlic butter toasts and drank 24 oz of water to try and fill my stomach up. Word to the wise if your starving water does not make the hunger go away just give you a full feeling belly and make you have to go to the bathroom more lol
  Then later that afternoon a old friend of mine I haven't seen in a while came by to pick up the cloths I had for donation for the people of the tornado victims.. Figured my kids didn't need them and they was still good looking cloths pass them on to someone who need it. Any ways then I sat alone in my house bored out of my mind waited for the kids to come home . When they came home we did home work and of course took my son 2 hours to do his homework then I served my kids their dinner and here I sit still haven't eaten cause now I am not hungry and two I gotta make sure we got enough food to make sure the kids eat .. Do not get me wrong we got food but it at that point of being low cause the stupid system move the date I got Food Stamps from the 6th to the 14th and now it a bigger struggle to make it every month at least on the 6th I could if need get a little food on the 1st when I got paid. Oh well that the way the chips fall lol well I rambled on enough but if for some reason I can post tomorrow due to the Solar Flare I hope you all have a great Thursday and I talk to you all later   

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Hater begone I don't need you in u in my life

Morning all to who read this blog, just wanna say thanks . You all watch or read in this case as I have my ups and my downs and at this moment it one of my downs. I have a visitor yesterday and well let just say it was not a Good day it was brought to my attention and thou I kinda knew it just didn't wanted to say it my self out loud. But what can I say or do I watch my kids get their feeling hurt expelly  my 9 year old son. I just wanna cry and scream so tired of being here and watching my children feeling get hurt expelly when so call family members choice to ignore them and treat them like trash.
 How can you treat children like that? They have done nothing wrong it is not their fault you don't like their mom. Don't like me FINE I FUCKING DON'T care but DO NOT TREAT MY KIDS LIKE that it make me so angry that people can go thou their life and treat kids like that just grow up and be a real MAN or WOMEN for Pete fucking sake. I could go on about this but it not worth it when I can I will leave this DAMN state and move back home whether it Missouri or it Oklahoma I don't know but at least when I do get to move my kids and I will be around REAL family and yes I know that family has problems and all but at least of my father side of the family they love me for who I am and will not treat my kids the way the rest of the other family does. I am so sick and tired of being the one to offer the pubertal Olive branch to this people here. I FUCKING DONE YOU ALL CAN TAKE THAT BRANCH AND SHOVE IT UP UR ASS !! Think what you will judge me how what you want but till you live in my shoes or walk a mile in my hell of a life You don't know me at all you only know what I share and that not alot cause I leave alot of stuff out and who I am upset with!
  But any way in another direction I have decided to do something about how I look body wise. Don't get me wrong I love who I am but as far as the size cloths I wear and the weight I am (and No I am not telling you what I weight or cloths size I am ) I like to loose some weight and loose a few inches around my weight. When I got cancer two years ago I had surgery to remove all the female pluming  and in the process I now have 6 scars about a inch to 2 inches all across my stomach and anyone know when you have surgery on you stomach unless your like mad crazy on top of it you stomach muscles get weak there for it harder to keep it flat six pack style. Then to add insult to injury I got hurt which landed me on bed rest for I got sever nerve damage in my legs and lower back. because of that I haven't been able to walk no more and cause of that i have gain some weight which I like to loose. I know I feel better about myself if I was a smaller size. I know I know it not the size of a women that make her happy or not but to me who use to be a smaller size even thou I do have large boobs and a ghetto ass which is a family trait on my father side.
  I just want to be able to go to the store and try on cloths without getting upset. Its bad enough that I hate shopping cause I am larger then I use to be and by damned I will get back there so that why I have decided to go on a diet if you will. Now here what I plan on doing it will mainly start on the 14 as the main start of the diet but between now and then I will cut down more then I have already on my soda to the point to kick the addiction of caffeine. I will also stop drinking a pot of coffee a day to maybe a cup or two and I am talking about a real size cup mot my mega cup lol. I want to cut out all processes food or additives add in food. To eat more health food and less frozen or crap food. I wanna cut how much food I eat too. Thought maybe I eat more Yogurt which I love as long as it not lite or fat free junk. I have been drinking more water but I like to get it where I am drinking 8  24oz of water instead of just 3  24 oz. I also like to start trying to do this work out DVD I have it Latin Dancing workout it got 5 DVD from starting out to heavy workout. Figured doing this deit and the work out I maybe I can build up my strength and loose weight plus figure if I do it at home when kids are at school no one see me mess up lol .
  Figure I start the workout tomorrow expectantly  after the way I was hurting yesterday from helping move someone my ankles felt as if it got ran over by a car. I can walk a little better this morning but it still hurts and a bit swollen Plus it will give me time to clear a space in my room to work out in. Well I keep you guys posted lol well I go for now I have talked(or in this case wrote lol) enough till tomorrow ya and remember life is short if those around you don't support you then it time to kick them out your life and have people that support you. For you do not need people that are hater in your life..Ciao for now :o)

Monday, March 5, 2012

where to get the book my poem os published

Struggling to keep moving on

Well it Monday and in loo of all thing that has happen the past few days . I am just plain worn out between the death of my great grandma and the news that i have two poems published one on a poetry web site and second in a e-book . the stress of everyday life of a single mom. Do not get me wrong I love being a mom but sometime it is a ruff life thou I would not trade it for the world. Then to having to deal with my mom who at this time we are not getting alone and it sucks but anyways. I am dealing with a messed up rotor cup in my left arm so it in a sling and still have to go and get the kids medication from doctor to get it filled and still try to get my youngest son to the eye glasses place to get his glasses order. Oh course it will depend on if my mother has the time to help me out she coming in from out of town. Do not get me wrong if it seams I am being snotty I am not trust me you know if I was which I am not, but I struggle everyday to get to places I need to go for my children or myself. Hell I haven't been able to get to my doctor but one time and i need to go to again but at last I am not going to be able to!
    Hell I really need to get the kids in for a doctor appointment but I can't get them there thanks to not having a car. But what I do know is one day my ship will come in and the kids and I will be fine. Besides everyone know in life is what you make it and in our house we do our best to make the best out of what we got. Thou we don't have a grand house we do have a roof over our head, we don't have a lot of money but at least the bills are paid. We have cloths on our back and food in our bellies and the most important thing we have that make us rich beyond the values of money is.... (the secret of life) We have love! Yup that it Love spell it L. O. V.  E. it is love and that my friends make a person richer then the richest person. I teach my kids that as long as we have love for each other and be there for each other nothing in life can get us down. Yes folk there are times even me get depressed but I do bounce back sooner or latter and when I do I know the wisdom of what happen to me. Look at the fact that the Kids and I are in a town with out family, no one who we can really trust on daily (I do have a friend that try to do what she can but she does have her own family and life so she real busy). We struggle daily to get small thing done but we get them done some how. I know that as soon as I can move back to Missouri/Oklahoma I have family that waiting there to be there for me to support me and my kids choices and our life.
  Well I guess you can say I am not perfect and it true I am not perfect and nor do I claim to be perfect! I make mistake look at my past it is filled with them but I do my best to learn from them hence why they are called past mistakes. For those who can not let me  be me and forget that I made mistake by bringing them up all the time GET OVER YOURSELF! Your shit stinks just as bad as mine and you are not perfect either. I know for a fact you made mistakes to but I also know that you have learn form them at least I hope you have. Listen life is also about making mistakes learning from them. You live you grow and you fail and you triumph and have joys of success and the down fall at time of failure but that is LIFE.   Well I guess you get my meaning but if not hopefully one day you will well I better go I got work to do on my book I like to try and tap out chapter 3 and 4 before this week ends lol and remember folks life is a ride you go up and down and all around but it a ride and it what you make of it.. keep going you never know where it take you . :0)
    

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Bitter Sweet Day

Today is a bitter sweet day. I found out that my Great grandma Myrtle Blades has passed on from this world to the great beyond of our Native American Inheritances. Thou I have not been home the past 12 years I still hold my great grandma in my heart the stories she told and her laugh. I am trying to make my way back home but I had hope that my great grandma got to meet my kids and it is now to late. I am torn between morning her and the lost of her in our family and the knowledge that at least she is not in pain nor more. What make it worse is after I got the bad news I was told that the poem I submitted in a contest is now getting published in a book. So now i am really confused cause on one hand I have the death of my great grandma and the other hand i got the good news of a poem being published .. I really wanna be happy for when I go to this link http://poetrybybarrymowles.wordpress.com/just-a-dream-my-upcoming-poetry-book-coming-soon-included-poets-are/ .. 

I wanna be happy but then the guilt of my great grandma death plague me. I wish I knew what to do? Should I be in morning or should I be sad but yet happy for the Good news so lost heck I can't even eat. My stomach is in knots, My shoulder that gives me problems where the rotor cup is  now gotten worse sign well it time to put the kids to bed and I think I follow to night all.. Hope everyone has a great Monday .

Saturday, March 3, 2012

long night

have u every have one of those night where you wake up and for some reason ur whole body feel as u did something like got in a fight. u wake up with unexplained broken finger or foot bruises on backside or down leg or arms.   Well I have and I have yet to figure what has happen or what I did . I know you can have what is called Lucid dreaming. Where you are physical away that you are dreaming, There has been many studies on the affect and the possibilities of what can be done in these Lucid dreams. For more information you can Google it or even visit this web link in Wikipedia-  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dream .. In Wikipedia it go more into depth of what dreams are from every angle. Then there is another possibility to explain the unexplained of waking up in morning with sore or bruised/broken  body part and that is Sleep walking - where one get up and sleep walk as if they are walk and here a important note Do Not Try To Wake Up a Sleep Walker! You can harm them if they are startled but for more information check out Wikipedia-   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_Walk  .
  Anyway i have done some reading and studying on both of this for I do sleep walk and have found myself out of my house in the middle of the night scared the hell out of me cause i couldn't remember how the hell i got there and i have had Lucid dreaming almost every other dream. There is a great movie you can watch that all about Lucid dreaming it call " Awaking Life "  it is a great movie, My ex had turn me on to that movie and i have to say it explained alot of stuff for me. Well not really sure where i was going with this just that it was a long night and woke up feeling as i had gotten in to a fight with a bull my left leg has a bruise down it and my back as a bruise on it to but I guess I never know. One of these day i am going to set up a cam recorder just to see what the heck i do in my sleep well till then i just wonder lol well think it time for me to go cause it family time for me and the kids which involved pop corn snuggling down on a king size bed and watching movies together lol so u all have a great day till next time keep reading and never give up on ur dreams .. ciao   

Friday, March 2, 2012

from the depths of the ink: i have put the two post together for my book "Smil...

from the depths of the ink: i have put the two post together for my book "Smil...: Smile hides the pain Angela Summers-Woodle-Sponseller) Chapter 1- sitting here tears are washing down my face with a...

i have put the two post together for my book "Smile hides the pain"


Smile hides the pain
Angela Summers-Woodle-Sponseller)


Chapter 1-

sitting here tears are washing down my face
with a deep soul wrenching sigh.
I get up and go put my face on.
wipe the trail of tears from my face
with a shake of my head I grab the make up
of lies to place upon on my face.
the thought that this is all a LIE!
shout thou my head .
what else can I do but put it on my face.
I make the eyes bright even thou I know it from crying
but know one else knows.
I make a smile appear big and bright thou it is not what in my heart.
I try a laugh out as I look at the mirror
yup this will do ... " HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA" !
see no one will suspect a thing,
I hide the pain deep in side my heart.
can not let the world see me cry.
I must go on as if nothing wrong!
I look in the mirror and see a face painted with lies.
ram my fist thou the glass.
I can not do this.
IT A LIE!
I shout at the broken webbed mirror.
I can not lie to myself .
I know what i feel and why should i be ashamed of it
but as the blood pools from the cuts that are deep.
I watch the blood .
It dark just like my soul.
It smells sweet that sicking sweet smell of death.
I look up in to the mirror i had just smash.
Blood splatter all over it and i see a shadow in it.
Turn around i see death he has come for me.
Should i be relieved or should i be scared?
I feel like a animal on the verge of running but yet staying to see what will happen.
Death look at me.
His eye are that of a depth i never knew could existed!
I see myself falling.
I hit the ground.
Blood that was left has fallen everywhere.
I see flame come towards me.
Burning me!
My skin is melting !
Pain beyond anything i have ever know !
Lick at my very soul !
I scream !
The flame in gulfs me from the inside out !
I am nothing but ash now !
I am still alive but yet i am not .
I see myself as thou someone else eyes.
And what I see make me sick.
Try to turn away but it as if it has me in a trances.
Death had come to my side.
Reaching thou the depths of the ash that is me
Pulls me out as if i was just covered in soot .
Grab me by my neck bending it back .
With in mere seconds he lips are to my pulsing neck .
And thou it as if i am watching thou another set of eye.
I feel his sweet hot breath on me .
It smelled of hot spice and the thought made me laugh out loud .
I feel the flick of his tongue running along my neck where my heart beats.
In a flash I feel the stabbing pain as my life is drain from me.
As I watch my life flow from me to his lips.
I start to cry begging I don't want to die .
He laugh a evil laugh .
That chilled me to my very soul !
Die is that not what you wanted a few minutes ago?
I utter a soft cry I thought it was !
He laugh once more and
Said with a sneer in his voice.
But child it is to late! I have claim you as my own!
My shoulder drop I cried as I never cried in my whole life.
I beg and I pleaded “let it be not to late?
I just wanna go home this is not my place!”
And the more I pleaded the more he laugh his evil laugh!
SILENCE NOW CHILD!
He scream out at me .
It is Finished u are now MINE!
Now come My Child to me!
I lowered my head .
Struggled to my feet.
I felt the ice run thou my veins.
I was cold but yet I was not .
In a faint whisper I heard my heart die .
The final beat of life had left me .
All around me I heard scream of Anguish and shout of Joy!
Seam my soul was lost and gain at the same time .
As I step close to him .
I saw more then before .
His face was that of an angel.
His lips was red of fresh drawn blood.
His eye they was that of clear ice in the deepest part of Antarctic.
That had a pull to them I never felt before .
His skin was that of freshly brewed coffee with a dash of creamer add to it.
His smell was what got me the most it was intoxicating.
It bewitched my very sexual essence.
As much as I did not want to betray my self.
My body did it for me .
I was drawn to him as a moth to the flame .
It seam I would burn up in flames if I could not get closer to him !
He was my master now !
He control my very soul.
Even as this thought run thou the cloudiness of my mind .
I couldn't help but wonder why this thought came to be it as has if ,
Some primal need was at hand and controlling my body .
I could no more help what I was doing then a baby that cried when he was hungry .
At the thought of hungry hit me I felt the pain of slight in my mouth .
My teeth lengthen to a point.
I started to salivate at the look of blood I saw splatter all around.
Licking my lips at the thought of the warm intoxicating feel of blood running
Down my throat.
I swear I could taste it the spicy taste of blood that reminded me of Cinnamon and Coco all in one.
Startled I look up what I had thought was Death but knew him to me now the master of my soul .
He started to chuckle to himself shaking his head .
“Child you amuse me so!”
“Come child I can feel the Thirst is upon you now we must feed before u become uncontrollable!”
Excitement shone in his eye of ices.
“Who are you?” I asked softly.
He laugh softy to himself and said “Child you can call me many thing
Master,Sir. hell you can even call me your lover or even Death but what I am is what you are now.
A Vampire and I am who have taken you from your miserable so called life and saved you!
What the Human call me a Human name that i have grown very fun of and that is
Ingram!”
“Ingram?” I repeated the name out loud.
For some reason it felt familiar to me as lost thought.
“Yes! you know me ! some part of you remember me! Do not worry Child, my
Akasha you will soon remember it all! Now let go before your thirst over take you !”
As I moved forward I look around at what now was my home .
And left a lost I could not explain but knew I should morn it .
I figured I have time to figure it out but now I was hungry and I knew I must feed.
For the flame of my thirst was licking at my very depths of what use to be my soul.........





Chapter 2-

This Thirst was burning me alive from the inside out.
I felt as I was dieing all over again my Master was looking at me with concern in his eye which really stood out of place in his cold ice of eyes.
"Soon my child, My Akasha, you will feed! I must make sure that the prey we take down will not be missed nor will it be to ruff for your first kill! Ingram said to me.
"Akasha? I question him "Why do you call me that? My name was before this was Bella!
He chuckle softly to him self which sent chills of desire thou out my body.
"Yes I call you Akasha for that is the name you should had from birth for it mean Queen of the Damned and that my child is you.
You are the chosen one of many I could of had but I knew you was the one when you refused to be anything but yourself. You see my child I watch you for a very long time.
I have seen you struggle, your trumpets of successes even thou the lather was few and far between. I have seen every tear you cried.
Ever heartache you have had over stupid mortal humankind.
Even every smile you plastered on that pretty little face of your to hide the pain you held inside.
I watch your heart go from loving and caring to made of Ice just like mine." He stated to me
Baffled even to the point of struggling to come to the grips of the reality of what he said. "You watched me all this time?”
I question him again "But why I am nothing special can you not see ?" I whispered to him.
He laugh harder this time amusement shone bright in his eyes of ice. "My dear Akasha I truly think you are the one to maybe lift the curse that keep us trap from the light of day!" He said to me
"But as far as you not being nothing special you are wrong my dear child You have a gift that is so far beyond any mortal or immortal alike!"He said to me
"How is it I am special there is nothing special about me nor do I have any of this so called gift only gift is that I fine pain thou out my life!" I whispered to him.
Ingram look at me then started to scream "Oh my but all that is Eywa the Goddess! Are you joking Eywa you have to be this cruel to me? Why is it this child know nothing of what was for told? Am I still being punished for my past sin? Have I not Eywa done what you asked of me? Why must you make it so difficult for me to to live in peace!" He scream to the sky above.
I cowered in the corner least his angry came toward me I have seen Ingram tear a man apart to mere bits for crossing him.
"Eywa?' I squeaked out when Ingram seam to have calmed down. He turn his eyes of cold ice on to me and I started to shake in my very spot.
"Oh my dear sweet child please do not be afraid of me. It is not your fault you do not know what is for told of the prophecy of who you are. No one can blame you for you was raised as a human not as a Queen!"
He stated to me in a calming voice that seam to released the tightly wrap coil around my cold heart. "Come my dear child we must go and find another spot to find your prey to feed on. It seam my little outburst might have forewarn any potentially prey here."
I got up from my spot only to be slammed with what seam to be a unquenchable Thirst that knock the very breath out of me.
I looked at Ingram with fear in my eyes.
My very body felt as if it was dieing from the lack of Blood.
I felt was I was burning from the inside out engulfed in a flame the consumed me.
I utter a small weak cry as the tear of blood flowed from my eyes.
At once Ingram was at my side softly as I never knew picking me up and whispering to me " Come my dear sweet child I shall carry you and when we reach our new hunting grounds I will bring you the prey all you have to do is drink to regain your strength. I am so sorry my dear I should have know better and should of not wait so long to let you feed. Please for give me my sweet little Akasha?"
He nearly cried as he carried me from where we had hid from stranger.
I look in to his eyes one that I thought was eyes of pure Ice and realized that I was wrong.
This eyes only held the pain and struggles of a long life without love and in this eyes for the first time I saw what true love was.
I knew we had a long road ahead of us but it was for told we be together.
So with that last thought I whisper to Ingram "I forgive you and shall follow you any where you go. Just never leave me?"
Ingram eyes shone bright with love and concern as I last utter those simple words and he whisper back at me " I never shall leave you! I have wait a many millenniums for you to come in to my life to help me atone from my sins! I shall never leave you, You are my heart my everything!"
I lowered my head as Ingram carried me off to a unknown place so that we may feed and I may gain my strength to help him figure out what we must do next..........

smile hides the pain part 2

This Thirst was burning me alive from the inside out. I felt as I was dieing all over again my Master was looking at me with concern in his eye which really stood out of place in his cold ice of eyes.
"Soon my child, My Akasha, you will feed! I must make sure that the prey we take down will not be missed nor will it be to ruff for your first kill! Ingram said to me.
"Akasha? I question him "Why do you call me that? My name was before this was Bella!
He chuckle softly to him self which sent chills of desire thou out my body.
"Yes I call you Akasha for that is the name you should had from birth for it mean Queen of the Damned and that my child is you. You are the chosen one of many I could of had but I knew you was the one when you refused to be anything but yourself. You see my child I watch you for a very long time. I have seen you struggle, your trumpets of successes even thou the lather was few and far between. I have seen every tear you cried. Ever heartache you have had over stupid mortal humankind. Even every smile you plastered on that pretty little face of your to hide the pain you held inside. I watch your heart go from loving and caring to made of Ice just like mine." He stated to me
Baffled even to the point of struggling to come to the grips of the reality of what he said. "You watched me all this time?' I question him again "But why I am nothing special can you not see ?" I whispered to him. He laugh harder this time amusement shone bright in his eyes of ice. "My dear Akasha I truly think you are the one to maybe lift the curse that keep us trap from the light of day!" He said to me "But as far as you not being nothing special you are wrong my dear child You have a gift that is so far beyond any mortal or immortal alike!"He said to me "How is it I am special there is nothing special about me nor do I have any of this so called gift only gift is that I fine pain thou out my life!" I whispered to him. Ingram look at me then started to scream "Oh my but all that is Eywa the Goddess! Are you joking Eywa you have to be this cruel to me? Why is it this child know nothing of what was for told? Am I still being punished for my past sin? Have I not Eywa done what you asked of me? Why must you make it so difficult for me to to live in peace!" He scream to the sky above. I cowered in the corner least his angry came toward me I have seen Ingram tear a man apart to mere bits for crossing him.
  "Eywa?' I squeaked out when Ingram seam to have calmed down. He turn his eyes of cold ice on to me and I started to shake in my very spot. "Oh my dear sweet child please do not be afraid of me. It is not your fault you do not know what is for told of the prophecy of who you are. No one can blame you for you was raised as a human not as a Queen!" He stated to me in a calming voice that seam to released the tightly wrap coil around my cold heart. "Come my dear child we must go and find another spot to find your prey to feed on. It seam my little outburst might have forewarn any potentially prey here."
I got up from my spot only to be slammed with what seam to be a unquenchable Thirst that knock the very breath out of me. I looked at Ingram with fear in my eyes. My very body felt as if it was dieing from the lack of Blood. I felt was I was burning from the inside out engulfed in a flame the consumed me. I utter a small weak cry as the tear of blood flowed from my eyes. At once Ingram was at my side softly as I never knew picking me up and whispering to me " Come my dear sweet child I shall carry you and when we reach our new hunting grounds I will bring you the prey all you have to do is drink to regain your strength. I am so sorry my dear I should have know better and should of not wait so long to let you feed. Please for give me my sweet little Akasha?" he nearly cried as he carried me from where we had hid from stranger. I look in to his eyes one that I thought was eyes of pure Ice and realized that I was wrong. This eyes only held the pain and struggles of a long life without love and in this eyes for the first time I saw what true love was. I knew we had a long road ahead of us but it was for told we be together. So with that last thought I whisper to Ingram "I forgive you and shall follow you any where you go. Just never leave me?"
 Ingram eyes shone bright with love and concern as I last utter those simple words and he whisper back at me " I never shall leave you! I have wait a many millenniums for you to come in to my life to help me atone from my sins! I shall never leave you, You are my heart my everything!"
I lowered my head as Ingram carried me off to a unknown place so that we may feed and I may gain my strength to help him figure out what we must do next..........

Thursday, March 1, 2012

sigh deeply

sigh deeply here ... Is there anyone out there reading this or am I talking to myself. I know that I started this to write out my poems and my thoughts tho help me but I do like to know if someone reading this.. Oh well it doesn't matter as long as I can get my words get out there. I have been having a ruff time lately seams just when I think I have see the light at the end of the tunnel i get thrown right back in to the pit of misery. All I can do is keep on doing my best to get out of this pit i feel I am in. What to do What to do have no clue
What to do.. Do you know what I should Do? well I guess I should go to bed I know this is not but of a Blog at this moment but between feeling really down and a major headache/migraine .. I try to write more tomorrow nite all and may ur Friday be a good one

not feeling well

sorry to u all if u had little reaction from me the past few days it going on 4 days of a major headache/migraine and very day it just seam to get worse so please forgive me not much up for company or talking even to write feel as if my brain is going to explode and at this time i just wished it would maybe then i find so relief and as they say it just been one of those day well mine been going on almost a week now so it just one of those week or maybe it just my whole flipping life anyway dont mean to drag anyone down or complain and sound like "oh poor me pitty me " crap just figure u guys like to know why i am not around at this time any who peace out and all that jazz everyone have a great weekend ciao

p.s. i am sorry this is not much of a blog today but my head is killing me and right now just trying to type these words is killing sorry all