Here the deal I feel the need to write this but do know it will take several post if you will to complete this and if you can not handle or want to know why I am the way I am then do not read this. Second this is according to my memory of what has happen or has been told to me and No One name that I have contact with shall be placed in here. What I write/type is in NO WAY to harm or put anyone down it is tho to HELP me move forward in MY LIFE for my children! Please enjoy if you choice to read this then THANKS for the support! Also this is in some case or part are very dramatic/traumatizing or disturbing for young children to read!! Please do not allow children to read this unless your prepared to answer some serious hard question again this is for adult only !!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!
The past few day are ok well almost the past week has been one of a journey to say the least . The Joy and disappointment of feelings as you have yet again may have failed your child.. Here the reason why I have felt these emotions the past week or even years..
OK it starts out like this I am a single mom most of you know that. What most of you do not know is what has happen in my life to lead me to where I am today into the women you most all know.. My life has not been one for fairy tails it more has been one for a Horror Book Life . To say my life was that I would never wished on anyone is a understatement . Hell there are time I wish I had never lived the life I have lived and it is true some of the choices I have made or not made has most with out a shadow of a doubt made my life to be what has transpire to be what has happen . I know it sounds like I am talking in riddles or a different languages but the truth of the matter is I am not talking in riddles . I am speaking in a way that if you could open your eyes you would see the underlying meaning of what I am about to type. But warning to the wise if you can not handle a story where the good guy do not win and life is unfair that it seam it could not even be real then It is my advise to close this page and go on with your life and feel as what you just read is that of a fiction and no more even tho it is not fiction it is real life events that has transpire and shaped me to be who I am in life today...So as I take you a journey back to when it seam that no one could do wrong as long as they was truly sorry of their mistakes and it was the end of the free love Hippie era . Back to 1978 of October 12th at 2:11 pm I was born to my Mother and Father. Father was a Navy man for a few years and my Mother who what some would call escaped a religious and strict family up bring to rebel against it all and married the first guy she has ever dated My father .. I was the honeymoon baby and tho those in my father side of the family thought I was was the reason my Father married my Mother cause she was knocked up but at last that was not the case . I am truly a nine Months after the wedding here I come bouncing baby girl of Strawberry Blond Hair and a greenish hazel eyes and dimples when she smiled.. Thing seam great the young couple was what appeared to be happy but what was not seen in the public was that Mother was suffering from what now is known Postpartum depression or Baby Blue. Now do not judge my Mother for having the BB depression it is now widely common for women to get them. but as I was saying this was the start of what has shaped me into being who I am..
Well thing have went on as life does in these and most case of life after three year after my birth my little Brother was born on my Mother 21st birthday. Thou I can not say whether I was happy or was upset to share the lime light with my Mother and Father I can not say but I can say now I love my Bother and would not trade him for the world and even thou today he really has nothing to do with me or my children. I still love him none the less. Well back to what I was saying my Bother was born three years after me in 1981 and at that time we was living in Chicago Ill . But what made my Father move us to Charleston Sc I can only guess was a transferal of post but away we went to Charleston Sc to Dalton street North Charleston Sc . This is where I have a lot of Memory lost and what has been told to me is my mind protecting me for a past the is more damaging then not remembering. I still say it be better if I could remember those year instead of feeling as my brain was made of Swiss cheese. You know alot of hole in my memory lol anyways. What I do remember is what has stuck thou out my whole life such as my Father moving out and in move a friend of my Mother and she had either two boys or three boys and one girl not totally sure on how may I just knew I was the oldest. Then came Kermit ( I am not sure if that was his name but that what I remember and to this day I am not fond of Kermit the Frog cause of it) who had some what move in and yet had his own place he also watched the other children and I while my Mother work if I remember correctly Two Jobs to take care of my Bother and I ..
Anyways as I was say Kermit was my Mother boyfriend ( here where to this day even thou I have some what I think gotten over this still make me sick to my stomach) it was years later when I was adult and talking to my Mother of my past which she does not like to do every often. She is the kind of person who like to not think of the past Horror and feel it better off left alone. Where I am the type who want to understand why everything that happen why it has happen if you understand my meaning. My Mother told me how Kermit came to be in our life (and Father I still Love u and do not judge you just so you know) that My father wanted what is called a Open relationship and for those of you that do not know what entitles a open relationship it is where the couple married or not agree to have as many as one to more different partner in that said relationship. some have rules and some do not but from personal experiences it not a good idea it is a deal breaker and can and almost distort a relationship almost 95% of the time and yes there are those who can make it work but that for another story not mine. As I was saying sorry I will time from time wonder off the subject kinda like now. Father want a open relationship and Mother was not sure with Father being Mother real first relationship I am guessing she was game and tho I do not know all the tiny details what I do know there was a fight between my Father and Mother and my Father threw My Mother (sorta speak whether literally or figuratively I do not know only my Parent know and nor do I care it is what it is) to Kermit and hence how Kermit came to play in my life.
Now this next part of my Life is some what very tragic for a child to go thou and now there are more children going tho what I am to speak then there are back in my younger days I was in Second grade which places me at the age of Seven or Eight. With my Mother working the Jobs she had to do to pay the bills or what not along with the other female roommate my Mother had. Kermit sorta became our babysitter... From HELL .. Why you may ask! Kermit Molested me sexually and I should add mentally too for the longest time as a child even up to being a teenager could not really look or trust men again it was not till I was nearly sixteen before I started to trust men/boys in general and I was my Cousin and youngest Uncle who was only seven years older then me help me trust men again.Then it was not till I was nearly in my twenty's before I could have sexual relationship with man without Flash backs and it was a wonderful and caring ex boyfriend that help me with that!But anyway back to what I was saying.. He would do stuff to me after my Mother went to work or come in my room when I was a sleep he even got brave enough to try to do stuff to me when my Mother was there. Even forcing me to suck on his manhood telling me it would taste like Chocolate pudding (well Folk it does not and for the longest time the thought of that would make me cry,get sick or even worse go in to day terrors or have terrible flash backs) I know now that I can joke about it to a degree as far as it tasting like what he said it would but was not but it is also a deference or a ploy to not feel too deep the past scar that he has caused me. There was time I would make the excuse I had to go to the bathroom just so I could climb out the window and drop/jump down four to five feet to run and hide behind our two story garage we had that had a hole in the wall. So he could not touch me or make me to do thing that was not right. Even at that age I knew it was wrong and I could not understand why it was happening to me. For how long it went on I can not say once again my memory is not the best on certain thing when it come to this event. But when I did tell someone the certain images come to my mind not the words just snap shoots of that time like. Kermit came to my room wanting to do stuff and I said NO my Mother would be home any minutes.. So I ran out of my dark room not caring how much noise I made and ran to the bathroom where I thought was my Mother and it was not till I was adult having the conversation of that tragic day. That I was told it was not my Mother in the bathroom but my Mother friend. All I can remember is coming in the bathroom sitting on the edge of the tub watching the women (who at that time I thought was my Mother but was not) putting on Blue eyeshadow(which to this day I do not like wearing Blue eyeshadow). Then having the picture of a girl private area in my mind and next thing I remember is watching the eyeshadow falling and hitting the edge of the sink. Then there was screaming lots of screaming from my Mother and my Father. From my Mother Friend to Kermit yelling calling me a liar and he would get me to the Cops shouting. My Father was a wreck I do not think words alone could even begin to describe the emotional trauma my Father or my Mother felt that day......
Then my world goes Black nothing beyond the words of threat I heard from Kermit are in my head.. I have been told I cried alot. Look at me I would cry. I know I was taken to see someone to talk about it but I hated it. I felt I could not talk I talked the last time and I hurt my Father and my Mother so why bother.. I remember being locked in a room with could have been a nice Lady who worked on the type writer. She tried to give me treats and such but all I would do was cry and try to climb the wall to get out and find my Mother to shout and screaming "I want my Mother!". I thought I was going to loose her cause I finally told someone about what happen to me with Kermit. In reality it was the court house and my Mother was facing a Judge who wanted to take Me and my Bother away from her and my Father and Department of Family Services wanted to Place KERMIT BACK IN THE HOME WITH HIM GETTING JUST SOME HELP!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!! Of course I did not find that last part out till once again in that adult conversation I had with my Mother. To say I was shocked is beyond words. ................
Well I have decided to end today post or blog on that note all I can say if I have not scared you away stay tune and hold fast to your seat when the next one comes out whether I do it tomorrow or the day after next But word of advise IF you like what you have read so far or would like to know where it ends up? I would if I was you subscribe to this link cause u never know what I may write next .. So I bid you ado for now and I will talk/write or type to you all later Love you all and thanks for supporting me on this ADVENTURER to my past and beyond <3 <3 :O)
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