Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Another day in the life that is me 10-17-12
Well folk it another day in the life that is me and well lets just say it has been one of interesting day . I got to meet a friend of mine Brian he was in the area from his job and well it was the high light of my day .. I know i Know it sounds bad but it was . We got to talk and hang out for a hour or so before he had to leave for his appt but we talk from everything of sports and the teams we liked to cars and in between it was nice to be my self for a change . Normally guys think i don't know what i am talking about when it come to car or hunting or even sports and i do and what i don't know i will ask but anyways it was nice to laugh for a change Brian keep trying to steal my Cowboys lighter cause it is his team too but i wouldn't let him and then of course i got soaked to the bone this afternoon when i went to get the kids from the bus top but it was ok i had fun in the rain lol thank goodness for my ipod lol and now here i sit the babies r in bed the heater on cause it going to get down to 30 (brrr) and i am got the Animal Planet channel on watch the show about the Blue planet now it was about the Wild Pacific just a bit ago which kinda brings me to my point it was showing some kinda bird and they said that the female in a whole thou out the animal species are always in dull color not ever very bright but the Male of all species are Bright and vibrant in color but Us as humans the women are the one that for the most part go thou the big trouble of making them self bright and shinny ect ect and the male in a whole don't you find that to be kinda backwards .. I mean think about it we as a whole in sociality are backward maybe we should be more like animal in a way who know lol well i am going to get off here kinda tire today hope everyone out there in cyber land has a great night till tomorrow in another day of my life CIAO Bella
Another day in the life that is me 10-16-12
Well in the life that is me lol my day has been of well lets just say reflection I finished the last book of Fifty Shades of Grey and i was not disappointed but all i can say it i want my own copy of them all on my nook it is something i see me reading again and again which that in it self does not happen a lot but other then that i talk with a good friend of mine via texts and waited for my babies to get home i even made meat loaf for dinner had mash taters and corn and peas watched a little tv with the kids and well then the Internet went out right before the kids went to bed but it on as u can see lol and while waiting for it to come back on i watched Men in back 3 which was not to bad i enjoyed now I am sitting here lonely and bored but hey that is the way my social life goes lol i have decided to get off my butt tomorrow figuratively speaking and do my earnest to finish the book i am writing well one of the 3 i got going yes i know i am all over the place lol but what can i say i let my writing go where it may and well look at this status if that don't tell u something have no clue what would lol and like a pic i posted I am crazy but at least i have fun with it lol I know some will read this and some will skim thou it and some wont read it at all but well since it seam i have a lot to say figure i put it out there and whether it offends anyone or not that ur problem not mine .. This is my out let i use and if u don't like it then so be it but hey that what free speech is all about right .. any ways what can i say that is about my life ...
Well for one i have been thinking about all the people i know the ones i have meet in real life the ones i have meet here or on face book or any other way of social networking as it will and i realize something i know a lot of freaking people but yet i don't at the same time .. I only have a few and very small group of friends that i call my friends but they are like family to me which means more then having a lot of so called fair weather friends . And yet here i sit typing away at these keys which in a nut shell has been more of a friend to me then most if i lost my laptop right now (knocking on wood) i would like spas out like i was losing my freaking mine .. I get it I a a techno Junkie I love my technology something boarding on the line of obsession but what can i say I think we are all that way with something or another mine just happens to be my smoke,my Dr Pepper(which as of tonight I am out of and no way to get to the store to get more) and My technology..
So yea there it is in a nut shell my vise in this world outside of don't mess with my babies and of course with my money cause that take care of my babies .. what was i getting out I know i ramble off a bit of that which is my social life lol the basics of not having one
I don't know if it me or the world around me but it no longer the age of innocents anymore and has not been for a while which sucks to be honest. Do you hear me we as a people have turn our back on back other for the thrill of the next level of social status I mean come on Take MeetMe which it use to be MyYearBook was a site i went and i will admit i still go to but not often as here cause of a friend of mine was on there and i have been on that site for hmm let me think a few years now and on my list of friends i can bet you that of all the friends on there i talk to maybe a handful and that it self is practically not often . I have guys always and i mean always on there hit me up saying the most cheesiest pick up line i have ever heard and there has been a few creative ones that i never imagine hearing and I am a writer and have a great and creative imagination myself or at least that what i been told lol and it like I am not interested and they get all piss at me and I am like WHAT are u serious please mister go on about ur day!!! I mean serious what the hell and then I hear thing like wow babe your so beautiful and or your so sexy and blah blah blah so tired of hearing thing like that what are they smoking is what i am thinking I know what I see in the mirror and it sure and the heck is not what they are seeing I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder but come on!! Do not lie to me i rather have the truth then be lie too .. I just don't get it am I missing something really has it come down to where it better to lie to someone then be honest about yourself or about others??? Sigh deeply here I am feeling yet once again that I am not from this time or even from this planet and no I do not think I am a alien but to be honest my views are just that alien not from this time and space at least not for the 21 century that for sure.
What happen to mother and father caring for their children and families being family no matter what once family always family . Hell what happen to the sound of children laughing in the street playing till it got dark and then knew to come home to a sit down at the table dinner where the family ate together and talk about their day . I know where it is in the trash just like everything good that sure to be the world of America . Dont get me wrong I am a single mother but damn it man I make sure my children are happy and feed I listen to them I teach them the values of right and wrong that it is better to do unto other as you want to be done to you . That life is not fair and you do get knocked down but get up dust yourself off and try again and keep trying and if one way does not work we find another way but it will always be the right way and mostly MONEY DOES NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY LOVE DOES !!!!! yes in this day and age having money does make it a little easier to breath knowing the bills are paid and the kids have cloths but damn it I rahter be without then to let my children live on the streets! I would starve before i let my kids go with out food and I know that if i can not or do not have the money I will live with in my meas of support and if that means no soda or smoke or hell even my laptop you can bet your sweet ass i will make sure my bills and my children are taken care of before i spend a dime on something i do not need . Yes i would be a little grouchy but i know it was for the best . I do not go out partying I do not drink but once in a blue moon and it only on a rare or special occasion and my children are tucked in bed asleep and i am in my own home . Why can other mother do that and stop bitching they don't have enough money or this and that If you can work then work unfortunately i can not work I am unable to work tho i wish the hell i could but i can i have medical issue that will not allow me to work hell sometime even walk or stand but i would work if i could just to know that i was taking care of my kids my money i get every month goes to the bills and my children . I can not tell u the last time i bought a pair of shoes oh yes i can almost 4 years ago and the one i got now where old and they where given to and now they are worn out but i don't buy myself any cause i can see that my child need something i get them plus it is hard for me to go and buy myself something but that is me who I am .. I do not expected everyone to be like me cause well to be frank the world couldn't handle a whole planet of me running around lol one is enough or so am told but think more people wake the hell up and see what ur doing to your son and daughter and how they treat people and themselves.. Well i guess i said my peace tonight lol I hope everyone has a great evening i will a bid you all ado this is another day in the life that is me .. sweet dreams world may u all find your true happiness :o) Bella
Well for one i have been thinking about all the people i know the ones i have meet in real life the ones i have meet here or on face book or any other way of social networking as it will and i realize something i know a lot of freaking people but yet i don't at the same time .. I only have a few and very small group of friends that i call my friends but they are like family to me which means more then having a lot of so called fair weather friends . And yet here i sit typing away at these keys which in a nut shell has been more of a friend to me then most if i lost my laptop right now (knocking on wood) i would like spas out like i was losing my freaking mine .. I get it I a a techno Junkie I love my technology something boarding on the line of obsession but what can i say I think we are all that way with something or another mine just happens to be my smoke,my Dr Pepper(which as of tonight I am out of and no way to get to the store to get more) and My technology..
So yea there it is in a nut shell my vise in this world outside of don't mess with my babies and of course with my money cause that take care of my babies .. what was i getting out I know i ramble off a bit of that which is my social life lol the basics of not having one
I don't know if it me or the world around me but it no longer the age of innocents anymore and has not been for a while which sucks to be honest. Do you hear me we as a people have turn our back on back other for the thrill of the next level of social status I mean come on Take MeetMe which it use to be MyYearBook was a site i went and i will admit i still go to but not often as here cause of a friend of mine was on there and i have been on that site for hmm let me think a few years now and on my list of friends i can bet you that of all the friends on there i talk to maybe a handful and that it self is practically not often . I have guys always and i mean always on there hit me up saying the most cheesiest pick up line i have ever heard and there has been a few creative ones that i never imagine hearing and I am a writer and have a great and creative imagination myself or at least that what i been told lol and it like I am not interested and they get all piss at me and I am like WHAT are u serious please mister go on about ur day!!! I mean serious what the hell and then I hear thing like wow babe your so beautiful and or your so sexy and blah blah blah so tired of hearing thing like that what are they smoking is what i am thinking I know what I see in the mirror and it sure and the heck is not what they are seeing I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder but come on!! Do not lie to me i rather have the truth then be lie too .. I just don't get it am I missing something really has it come down to where it better to lie to someone then be honest about yourself or about others??? Sigh deeply here I am feeling yet once again that I am not from this time or even from this planet and no I do not think I am a alien but to be honest my views are just that alien not from this time and space at least not for the 21 century that for sure.
What happen to mother and father caring for their children and families being family no matter what once family always family . Hell what happen to the sound of children laughing in the street playing till it got dark and then knew to come home to a sit down at the table dinner where the family ate together and talk about their day . I know where it is in the trash just like everything good that sure to be the world of America . Dont get me wrong I am a single mother but damn it man I make sure my children are happy and feed I listen to them I teach them the values of right and wrong that it is better to do unto other as you want to be done to you . That life is not fair and you do get knocked down but get up dust yourself off and try again and keep trying and if one way does not work we find another way but it will always be the right way and mostly MONEY DOES NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY LOVE DOES !!!!! yes in this day and age having money does make it a little easier to breath knowing the bills are paid and the kids have cloths but damn it I rahter be without then to let my children live on the streets! I would starve before i let my kids go with out food and I know that if i can not or do not have the money I will live with in my meas of support and if that means no soda or smoke or hell even my laptop you can bet your sweet ass i will make sure my bills and my children are taken care of before i spend a dime on something i do not need . Yes i would be a little grouchy but i know it was for the best . I do not go out partying I do not drink but once in a blue moon and it only on a rare or special occasion and my children are tucked in bed asleep and i am in my own home . Why can other mother do that and stop bitching they don't have enough money or this and that If you can work then work unfortunately i can not work I am unable to work tho i wish the hell i could but i can i have medical issue that will not allow me to work hell sometime even walk or stand but i would work if i could just to know that i was taking care of my kids my money i get every month goes to the bills and my children . I can not tell u the last time i bought a pair of shoes oh yes i can almost 4 years ago and the one i got now where old and they where given to and now they are worn out but i don't buy myself any cause i can see that my child need something i get them plus it is hard for me to go and buy myself something but that is me who I am .. I do not expected everyone to be like me cause well to be frank the world couldn't handle a whole planet of me running around lol one is enough or so am told but think more people wake the hell up and see what ur doing to your son and daughter and how they treat people and themselves.. Well i guess i said my peace tonight lol I hope everyone has a great evening i will a bid you all ado this is another day in the life that is me .. sweet dreams world may u all find your true happiness :o) Bella
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Why Daddy?
Why Daddy?
She lay in bed alone the kids are gone,
She began to cry wondering why i am alone,
What have She done to feel this alone,
Is she bad person,
Is she such a rotten one,
Is she not wanted,
Is she so recluse to be alone.
She reach over and pick up her phone,
She call her daddy,
He love me she think,
It rang and rang voice mail picks up,
She left a message,
And now she wait,
He come to her rescues,
Days go by,
And she grow worse,
Barely hanging on,
Breathing seam a chore,
Tear have long done stop falling,
A permanent path they have craved down her face,
Her heart is broken,
The pain getting beyond the point of handling,
She reach for the phone to call daddy one last time,
Didn't even ring just went to voice mail,
Drop the phone scream out loud,
All the pain that been hidden inside,
From all the year of trying to get daddy love her,
From the past childhood to present,
The struggles of getting one own daddy to love you for who you are,
A child who grew up without the feeling of daddy love,
Went with men who she thought was the one,
Only to be beaten to a pulp of her life,
Scar have healed but the wound is still deep,
And now she struggle to love and be love,
Try to raise her own child fatherless as she was raised,
Crying her self to sleep night after night,
Wondering why or what she did wrong not have her own daddy love her....
Day went by yet again the phone had died,
The battery is dead,
The in house not sound can be heard,
There a smell of flower and death on the door,
The bright tape says it all,
She died left in a world of pain,
All cause daddy was never there,
To teach her the right and wrong of life and of men,
It came in the night a man she knew had taken what she gave freely of her love and left her for dead,
Her father came to see her a little to late never realize he could of saved her oh so many years ago,
Let alone just a few days ago,
All he can hear in his head is the last word of his daughter .....
Why Daddy? Why Daddy? Do you not love me?
Copyrighted2012-ahs-B-Saw-2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
To Be or Not To Be by Angela Summers
to live
to love
to give of oneself
to be forgotten
to be hurt
to betrayal
to die just a little
to live again
to be knocked down
to love
to give of oneself
to be forgotten
to be hurt
to betrayal
to die just a little
to live again
to be knocked down
to cry
to laugh
to feel as you died
to awake yet once again
to feel whole
to feel shattered
to be
or not to be
has been the question of the ages
but the real question as and always be
is it better to love and lost then to not love at all
for i have loved and lost
and not loved at all
neither is the same
both is a shame
i given my heart
my love to you
but atlas you have taken it for granted
you hold it against me like a pawn
can you not let it be and allow me to live
to love as it was meant to be...........
copyrighted2012-ahsw-Bsaw-Co20
to laugh
to feel as you died
to awake yet once again
to feel whole
to feel shattered
to be
or not to be
has been the question of the ages
but the real question as and always be
is it better to love and lost then to not love at all
for i have loved and lost
and not loved at all
neither is the same
both is a shame
i given my heart
my love to you
but atlas you have taken it for granted
you hold it against me like a pawn
can you not let it be and allow me to live
to love as it was meant to be...........
copyrighted2012-ahsw-Bsaw-Co20
Monday, July 23, 2012
Been awhile
hey my reader i know it has been a while since i have last wrote on here and no i have not forgot about u all it just been a ruff few days,weeks,months. i am going thou a lot of changes in my life that as me turn upside down and all twisted inside out but never fear for me i always come out on top of things. But know at this moment not having internet does make things really hard to get on here. I am hoping soon i have it and maybe cable too. Anyway i let you all in on some of what been going on the main thing is my health is not the best i fight daily with terrible headaches/migraines which makes my stomach hurt too. In a bit i am going to be calling to make appt for the kids and i. I have to make the kids on one day and mine the next second there the whole issue with the van i bought for 400 buck breaking down on me yet again so needless to say i am upset but u cant blame me. I am also still trying to loose weight and eat healthier and right now i am not hungry anymore but that for another time.. Sorry i am rambling on well i know this is short but i gotta go i got lots to do and calls to make hope u all have a great Monday and talk to u as soon as i can
Saturday, May 19, 2012
2nd section of The Past is the Past for a reason Let it stay There!
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Friday, May 18, 2012
The Past is the Past for a reason Let it stay there!!
Here the deal I feel the need to write this but do know it will take several post if you will to complete this and if you can not handle or want to know why I am the way I am then do not read this. Second this is according to my memory of what has happen or has been told to me and No One name that I have contact with shall be placed in here. What I write/type is in NO WAY to harm or put anyone down it is tho to HELP me move forward in MY LIFE for my children! Please enjoy if you choice to read this then THANKS for the support! Also this is in some case or part are very dramatic/traumatizing or disturbing for young children to read!! Please do not allow children to read this unless your prepared to answer some serious hard question again this is for adult only !!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!
The past few day are ok well almost the past week has been one of a journey to say the least . The Joy and disappointment of feelings as you have yet again may have failed your child.. Here the reason why I have felt these emotions the past week or even years..
OK it starts out like this I am a single mom most of you know that. What most of you do not know is what has happen in my life to lead me to where I am today into the women you most all know.. My life has not been one for fairy tails it more has been one for a Horror Book Life . To say my life was that I would never wished on anyone is a understatement . Hell there are time I wish I had never lived the life I have lived and it is true some of the choices I have made or not made has most with out a shadow of a doubt made my life to be what has transpire to be what has happen . I know it sounds like I am talking in riddles or a different languages but the truth of the matter is I am not talking in riddles . I am speaking in a way that if you could open your eyes you would see the underlying meaning of what I am about to type. But warning to the wise if you can not handle a story where the good guy do not win and life is unfair that it seam it could not even be real then It is my advise to close this page and go on with your life and feel as what you just read is that of a fiction and no more even tho it is not fiction it is real life events that has transpire and shaped me to be who I am in life today...So as I take you a journey back to when it seam that no one could do wrong as long as they was truly sorry of their mistakes and it was the end of the free love Hippie era . Back to 1978 of October 12th at 2:11 pm I was born to my Mother and Father. Father was a Navy man for a few years and my Mother who what some would call escaped a religious and strict family up bring to rebel against it all and married the first guy she has ever dated My father .. I was the honeymoon baby and tho those in my father side of the family thought I was was the reason my Father married my Mother cause she was knocked up but at last that was not the case . I am truly a nine Months after the wedding here I come bouncing baby girl of Strawberry Blond Hair and a greenish hazel eyes and dimples when she smiled.. Thing seam great the young couple was what appeared to be happy but what was not seen in the public was that Mother was suffering from what now is known Postpartum depression or Baby Blue. Now do not judge my Mother for having the BB depression it is now widely common for women to get them. but as I was saying this was the start of what has shaped me into being who I am..
Well thing have went on as life does in these and most case of life after three year after my birth my little Brother was born on my Mother 21st birthday. Thou I can not say whether I was happy or was upset to share the lime light with my Mother and Father I can not say but I can say now I love my Bother and would not trade him for the world and even thou today he really has nothing to do with me or my children. I still love him none the less. Well back to what I was saying my Bother was born three years after me in 1981 and at that time we was living in Chicago Ill . But what made my Father move us to Charleston Sc I can only guess was a transferal of post but away we went to Charleston Sc to Dalton street North Charleston Sc . This is where I have a lot of Memory lost and what has been told to me is my mind protecting me for a past the is more damaging then not remembering. I still say it be better if I could remember those year instead of feeling as my brain was made of Swiss cheese. You know alot of hole in my memory lol anyways. What I do remember is what has stuck thou out my whole life such as my Father moving out and in move a friend of my Mother and she had either two boys or three boys and one girl not totally sure on how may I just knew I was the oldest. Then came Kermit ( I am not sure if that was his name but that what I remember and to this day I am not fond of Kermit the Frog cause of it) who had some what move in and yet had his own place he also watched the other children and I while my Mother work if I remember correctly Two Jobs to take care of my Bother and I ..
Anyways as I was say Kermit was my Mother boyfriend ( here where to this day even thou I have some what I think gotten over this still make me sick to my stomach) it was years later when I was adult and talking to my Mother of my past which she does not like to do every often. She is the kind of person who like to not think of the past Horror and feel it better off left alone. Where I am the type who want to understand why everything that happen why it has happen if you understand my meaning. My Mother told me how Kermit came to be in our life (and Father I still Love u and do not judge you just so you know) that My father wanted what is called a Open relationship and for those of you that do not know what entitles a open relationship it is where the couple married or not agree to have as many as one to more different partner in that said relationship. some have rules and some do not but from personal experiences it not a good idea it is a deal breaker and can and almost distort a relationship almost 95% of the time and yes there are those who can make it work but that for another story not mine. As I was saying sorry I will time from time wonder off the subject kinda like now. Father want a open relationship and Mother was not sure with Father being Mother real first relationship I am guessing she was game and tho I do not know all the tiny details what I do know there was a fight between my Father and Mother and my Father threw My Mother (sorta speak whether literally or figuratively I do not know only my Parent know and nor do I care it is what it is) to Kermit and hence how Kermit came to play in my life.
Now this next part of my Life is some what very tragic for a child to go thou and now there are more children going tho what I am to speak then there are back in my younger days I was in Second grade which places me at the age of Seven or Eight. With my Mother working the Jobs she had to do to pay the bills or what not along with the other female roommate my Mother had. Kermit sorta became our babysitter... From HELL .. Why you may ask! Kermit Molested me sexually and I should add mentally too for the longest time as a child even up to being a teenager could not really look or trust men again it was not till I was nearly sixteen before I started to trust men/boys in general and I was my Cousin and youngest Uncle who was only seven years older then me help me trust men again.Then it was not till I was nearly in my twenty's before I could have sexual relationship with man without Flash backs and it was a wonderful and caring ex boyfriend that help me with that!But anyway back to what I was saying.. He would do stuff to me after my Mother went to work or come in my room when I was a sleep he even got brave enough to try to do stuff to me when my Mother was there. Even forcing me to suck on his manhood telling me it would taste like Chocolate pudding (well Folk it does not and for the longest time the thought of that would make me cry,get sick or even worse go in to day terrors or have terrible flash backs) I know now that I can joke about it to a degree as far as it tasting like what he said it would but was not but it is also a deference or a ploy to not feel too deep the past scar that he has caused me. There was time I would make the excuse I had to go to the bathroom just so I could climb out the window and drop/jump down four to five feet to run and hide behind our two story garage we had that had a hole in the wall. So he could not touch me or make me to do thing that was not right. Even at that age I knew it was wrong and I could not understand why it was happening to me. For how long it went on I can not say once again my memory is not the best on certain thing when it come to this event. But when I did tell someone the certain images come to my mind not the words just snap shoots of that time like. Kermit came to my room wanting to do stuff and I said NO my Mother would be home any minutes.. So I ran out of my dark room not caring how much noise I made and ran to the bathroom where I thought was my Mother and it was not till I was adult having the conversation of that tragic day. That I was told it was not my Mother in the bathroom but my Mother friend. All I can remember is coming in the bathroom sitting on the edge of the tub watching the women (who at that time I thought was my Mother but was not) putting on Blue eyeshadow(which to this day I do not like wearing Blue eyeshadow). Then having the picture of a girl private area in my mind and next thing I remember is watching the eyeshadow falling and hitting the edge of the sink. Then there was screaming lots of screaming from my Mother and my Father. From my Mother Friend to Kermit yelling calling me a liar and he would get me to the Cops shouting. My Father was a wreck I do not think words alone could even begin to describe the emotional trauma my Father or my Mother felt that day......
Then my world goes Black nothing beyond the words of threat I heard from Kermit are in my head.. I have been told I cried alot. Look at me I would cry. I know I was taken to see someone to talk about it but I hated it. I felt I could not talk I talked the last time and I hurt my Father and my Mother so why bother.. I remember being locked in a room with could have been a nice Lady who worked on the type writer. She tried to give me treats and such but all I would do was cry and try to climb the wall to get out and find my Mother to shout and screaming "I want my Mother!". I thought I was going to loose her cause I finally told someone about what happen to me with Kermit. In reality it was the court house and my Mother was facing a Judge who wanted to take Me and my Bother away from her and my Father and Department of Family Services wanted to Place KERMIT BACK IN THE HOME WITH HIM GETTING JUST SOME HELP!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!! Of course I did not find that last part out till once again in that adult conversation I had with my Mother. To say I was shocked is beyond words. ................
Well I have decided to end today post or blog on that note all I can say if I have not scared you away stay tune and hold fast to your seat when the next one comes out whether I do it tomorrow or the day after next But word of advise IF you like what you have read so far or would like to know where it ends up? I would if I was you subscribe to this link cause u never know what I may write next .. So I bid you ado for now and I will talk/write or type to you all later Love you all and thanks for supporting me on this ADVENTURER to my past and beyond <3 <3 :O)
The past few day are ok well almost the past week has been one of a journey to say the least . The Joy and disappointment of feelings as you have yet again may have failed your child.. Here the reason why I have felt these emotions the past week or even years..
OK it starts out like this I am a single mom most of you know that. What most of you do not know is what has happen in my life to lead me to where I am today into the women you most all know.. My life has not been one for fairy tails it more has been one for a Horror Book Life . To say my life was that I would never wished on anyone is a understatement . Hell there are time I wish I had never lived the life I have lived and it is true some of the choices I have made or not made has most with out a shadow of a doubt made my life to be what has transpire to be what has happen . I know it sounds like I am talking in riddles or a different languages but the truth of the matter is I am not talking in riddles . I am speaking in a way that if you could open your eyes you would see the underlying meaning of what I am about to type. But warning to the wise if you can not handle a story where the good guy do not win and life is unfair that it seam it could not even be real then It is my advise to close this page and go on with your life and feel as what you just read is that of a fiction and no more even tho it is not fiction it is real life events that has transpire and shaped me to be who I am in life today...So as I take you a journey back to when it seam that no one could do wrong as long as they was truly sorry of their mistakes and it was the end of the free love Hippie era . Back to 1978 of October 12th at 2:11 pm I was born to my Mother and Father. Father was a Navy man for a few years and my Mother who what some would call escaped a religious and strict family up bring to rebel against it all and married the first guy she has ever dated My father .. I was the honeymoon baby and tho those in my father side of the family thought I was was the reason my Father married my Mother cause she was knocked up but at last that was not the case . I am truly a nine Months after the wedding here I come bouncing baby girl of Strawberry Blond Hair and a greenish hazel eyes and dimples when she smiled.. Thing seam great the young couple was what appeared to be happy but what was not seen in the public was that Mother was suffering from what now is known Postpartum depression or Baby Blue. Now do not judge my Mother for having the BB depression it is now widely common for women to get them. but as I was saying this was the start of what has shaped me into being who I am..
Well thing have went on as life does in these and most case of life after three year after my birth my little Brother was born on my Mother 21st birthday. Thou I can not say whether I was happy or was upset to share the lime light with my Mother and Father I can not say but I can say now I love my Bother and would not trade him for the world and even thou today he really has nothing to do with me or my children. I still love him none the less. Well back to what I was saying my Bother was born three years after me in 1981 and at that time we was living in Chicago Ill . But what made my Father move us to Charleston Sc I can only guess was a transferal of post but away we went to Charleston Sc to Dalton street North Charleston Sc . This is where I have a lot of Memory lost and what has been told to me is my mind protecting me for a past the is more damaging then not remembering. I still say it be better if I could remember those year instead of feeling as my brain was made of Swiss cheese. You know alot of hole in my memory lol anyways. What I do remember is what has stuck thou out my whole life such as my Father moving out and in move a friend of my Mother and she had either two boys or three boys and one girl not totally sure on how may I just knew I was the oldest. Then came Kermit ( I am not sure if that was his name but that what I remember and to this day I am not fond of Kermit the Frog cause of it) who had some what move in and yet had his own place he also watched the other children and I while my Mother work if I remember correctly Two Jobs to take care of my Bother and I ..
Anyways as I was say Kermit was my Mother boyfriend ( here where to this day even thou I have some what I think gotten over this still make me sick to my stomach) it was years later when I was adult and talking to my Mother of my past which she does not like to do every often. She is the kind of person who like to not think of the past Horror and feel it better off left alone. Where I am the type who want to understand why everything that happen why it has happen if you understand my meaning. My Mother told me how Kermit came to be in our life (and Father I still Love u and do not judge you just so you know) that My father wanted what is called a Open relationship and for those of you that do not know what entitles a open relationship it is where the couple married or not agree to have as many as one to more different partner in that said relationship. some have rules and some do not but from personal experiences it not a good idea it is a deal breaker and can and almost distort a relationship almost 95% of the time and yes there are those who can make it work but that for another story not mine. As I was saying sorry I will time from time wonder off the subject kinda like now. Father want a open relationship and Mother was not sure with Father being Mother real first relationship I am guessing she was game and tho I do not know all the tiny details what I do know there was a fight between my Father and Mother and my Father threw My Mother (sorta speak whether literally or figuratively I do not know only my Parent know and nor do I care it is what it is) to Kermit and hence how Kermit came to play in my life.
Now this next part of my Life is some what very tragic for a child to go thou and now there are more children going tho what I am to speak then there are back in my younger days I was in Second grade which places me at the age of Seven or Eight. With my Mother working the Jobs she had to do to pay the bills or what not along with the other female roommate my Mother had. Kermit sorta became our babysitter... From HELL .. Why you may ask! Kermit Molested me sexually and I should add mentally too for the longest time as a child even up to being a teenager could not really look or trust men again it was not till I was nearly sixteen before I started to trust men/boys in general and I was my Cousin and youngest Uncle who was only seven years older then me help me trust men again.Then it was not till I was nearly in my twenty's before I could have sexual relationship with man without Flash backs and it was a wonderful and caring ex boyfriend that help me with that!But anyway back to what I was saying.. He would do stuff to me after my Mother went to work or come in my room when I was a sleep he even got brave enough to try to do stuff to me when my Mother was there. Even forcing me to suck on his manhood telling me it would taste like Chocolate pudding (well Folk it does not and for the longest time the thought of that would make me cry,get sick or even worse go in to day terrors or have terrible flash backs) I know now that I can joke about it to a degree as far as it tasting like what he said it would but was not but it is also a deference or a ploy to not feel too deep the past scar that he has caused me. There was time I would make the excuse I had to go to the bathroom just so I could climb out the window and drop/jump down four to five feet to run and hide behind our two story garage we had that had a hole in the wall. So he could not touch me or make me to do thing that was not right. Even at that age I knew it was wrong and I could not understand why it was happening to me. For how long it went on I can not say once again my memory is not the best on certain thing when it come to this event. But when I did tell someone the certain images come to my mind not the words just snap shoots of that time like. Kermit came to my room wanting to do stuff and I said NO my Mother would be home any minutes.. So I ran out of my dark room not caring how much noise I made and ran to the bathroom where I thought was my Mother and it was not till I was adult having the conversation of that tragic day. That I was told it was not my Mother in the bathroom but my Mother friend. All I can remember is coming in the bathroom sitting on the edge of the tub watching the women (who at that time I thought was my Mother but was not) putting on Blue eyeshadow(which to this day I do not like wearing Blue eyeshadow). Then having the picture of a girl private area in my mind and next thing I remember is watching the eyeshadow falling and hitting the edge of the sink. Then there was screaming lots of screaming from my Mother and my Father. From my Mother Friend to Kermit yelling calling me a liar and he would get me to the Cops shouting. My Father was a wreck I do not think words alone could even begin to describe the emotional trauma my Father or my Mother felt that day......
Then my world goes Black nothing beyond the words of threat I heard from Kermit are in my head.. I have been told I cried alot. Look at me I would cry. I know I was taken to see someone to talk about it but I hated it. I felt I could not talk I talked the last time and I hurt my Father and my Mother so why bother.. I remember being locked in a room with could have been a nice Lady who worked on the type writer. She tried to give me treats and such but all I would do was cry and try to climb the wall to get out and find my Mother to shout and screaming "I want my Mother!". I thought I was going to loose her cause I finally told someone about what happen to me with Kermit. In reality it was the court house and my Mother was facing a Judge who wanted to take Me and my Bother away from her and my Father and Department of Family Services wanted to Place KERMIT BACK IN THE HOME WITH HIM GETTING JUST SOME HELP!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!! Of course I did not find that last part out till once again in that adult conversation I had with my Mother. To say I was shocked is beyond words. ................
Well I have decided to end today post or blog on that note all I can say if I have not scared you away stay tune and hold fast to your seat when the next one comes out whether I do it tomorrow or the day after next But word of advise IF you like what you have read so far or would like to know where it ends up? I would if I was you subscribe to this link cause u never know what I may write next .. So I bid you ado for now and I will talk/write or type to you all later Love you all and thanks for supporting me on this ADVENTURER to my past and beyond <3 <3 :O)
Forgiveness is the key to Happiness of Life
My one of my many sister had said something to me that struck accord in
my heart and it went something like this .. It started off on a poem i
wrote about what "SOME SAY" and she agreed but raised a point "I agree
with this but bad thing is when you still pay for the mistakes years
later makes you want to scream and say enough" so this is my reply to
her and to the rest who feel the same way and may
these words i am about to type to u help you to have a better
understanding of life it self and do note i am not perfect nor do i
claim to be perfect i am with with Faults just like everyone else i cuss
to much, I love to hard or passionately, I get hurt easily and most
importantly i make mistake but i do my very best to learn from them all
.. so with that said this is my rely to what she said and i truly do
hope it help someone today see thing just a little clear then before (ps
sorry this is a long status and forgive me for misspelled word Spell
check like to not work all the time for me lol )...
....that when girl u stand up and say enough is enough i made the mistake i learn form it and it is now time to move on and just like that move on and learn to forgive other. it not for them but for u it take the power they have over u away and let u have ur own control over ur own self and help the healing process .. trust me i was the world biggest angriest person in the world. i hate all who have hurt me and what i had thought destroy my life and made it to be what it was back then. but i have learn fast and hard that to hang on to that angry and the self pity and the attitude it does not help you in life it only harms you. so when i have learn to say" I FORGIVE YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE TO ME" .. it released the build up of angry, the hurt, the depression, the why is me pity party and i started to heal from the inside out!! they no longer had control over ME or my LIFE .. and just cause u forgive does not mean to forget. but it mean to forgive them and then move on with ur life. for it is ur life that u have allowed to stop moving forward by having hate, angry or mistrust or what ever the reason is. it is u that is standing still they have move on and do not give it a second thought.. why should you!! and if it seam I am preaching then let it be cause what i am telling you is words of wisdom of someone who once had a heart of cold angry and hate is now replaced with love and joy for my life .. and yes i get knocked down but i get right back up and laugh at what ever knocked me down and there are times I am only human after all i to some time fall right back in that pit of disrepair but as soon as i can i find my way right back out and do not look back .. Life has been said many time and many way that.. life is a climb or that life is a ride but the most important thing you need to remember is LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT ! you can enjoy what life bring and make the best out of everything or u can stay unhappy and miserable the rest of your life but for me and my children. we are going to take life as it is and make the best out of it and when we get knocked down. we get up and laugh at what knocked us down for the main lesson I teach my children is Money is not what make you happy it is family and the love you have as a family, and family is not just by blood but by the love you have for one another and with that we are far richer then any other rich person in the world and we will be so as long as we keep our family and love in our heart .. So remember this as i come to the end of my little speech lol life is what you make it. if you can learn to FORGIVE other and move on take it as it flow get knocked down but get up again .you will go far in life as far as you are willing to go .. I am not perfect never claim I am but i do know a little secret to the enjoyment or success of life or mystery of life and it is LOVE, FORGIVENESS,WITH A LITTLE LAUGHTER.. those three thing could end world hungry, bring a end to war or even make the world a better place it up to u to do ur part and embraces life as it is ..love to you all ♥
©2012-BSAW-AHSW-ALL-RIGHT-RESE
....that when girl u stand up and say enough is enough i made the mistake i learn form it and it is now time to move on and just like that move on and learn to forgive other. it not for them but for u it take the power they have over u away and let u have ur own control over ur own self and help the healing process .. trust me i was the world biggest angriest person in the world. i hate all who have hurt me and what i had thought destroy my life and made it to be what it was back then. but i have learn fast and hard that to hang on to that angry and the self pity and the attitude it does not help you in life it only harms you. so when i have learn to say" I FORGIVE YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE TO ME" .. it released the build up of angry, the hurt, the depression, the why is me pity party and i started to heal from the inside out!! they no longer had control over ME or my LIFE .. and just cause u forgive does not mean to forget. but it mean to forgive them and then move on with ur life. for it is ur life that u have allowed to stop moving forward by having hate, angry or mistrust or what ever the reason is. it is u that is standing still they have move on and do not give it a second thought.. why should you!! and if it seam I am preaching then let it be cause what i am telling you is words of wisdom of someone who once had a heart of cold angry and hate is now replaced with love and joy for my life .. and yes i get knocked down but i get right back up and laugh at what ever knocked me down and there are times I am only human after all i to some time fall right back in that pit of disrepair but as soon as i can i find my way right back out and do not look back .. Life has been said many time and many way that.. life is a climb or that life is a ride but the most important thing you need to remember is LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT ! you can enjoy what life bring and make the best out of everything or u can stay unhappy and miserable the rest of your life but for me and my children. we are going to take life as it is and make the best out of it and when we get knocked down. we get up and laugh at what knocked us down for the main lesson I teach my children is Money is not what make you happy it is family and the love you have as a family, and family is not just by blood but by the love you have for one another and with that we are far richer then any other rich person in the world and we will be so as long as we keep our family and love in our heart .. So remember this as i come to the end of my little speech lol life is what you make it. if you can learn to FORGIVE other and move on take it as it flow get knocked down but get up again .you will go far in life as far as you are willing to go .. I am not perfect never claim I am but i do know a little secret to the enjoyment or success of life or mystery of life and it is LOVE, FORGIVENESS,WITH A LITTLE LAUGHTER.. those three thing could end world hungry, bring a end to war or even make the world a better place it up to u to do ur part and embraces life as it is ..love to you all ♥
©2012-BSAW-AHSW-ALL-RIGHT-RESE
Some Say
some say i am off my rocker
some say i am to uncontrollable
some say i never mount to nothing
some say i never be good enough
some say i am not a good mom
some can not just let go of my PAST mistakes
some say i am worthless
some say i am nothing
some say, some say, some say, but here what I say to what they say
yes i am off my rocker rather be that way then a stuffy bore
yes i am uncontrollable but at least i know how to be me
yes i will mount to something and even more
Yes I am good enough maybe just a little to good for YOU
hell yes I am a good MOM just ask my children
for those who can not let go of what I have done in the past it your problem not mine I have moved on why don't you!
Yes I am Worth something
and Yes I am more then nothing I am me and I love to be Me so leave me be
for those who think they know me,
think they can control me,
for those who think to put me down and judge me,
think twice before you do so
for those with out sin can only do so and since there is no one with out sin and you have not walk in my path of life do not say what i have choice to do and not do is wrong ..
Mistakes are what make and shape us to be who we are !!
so when the naysayers start to do the whole some say bit remember this of what i have told you and let them bring some one else down cause you wont be around to let them help bring you down........
©2012-BSAW-AHSW-ALL-RIGHT-RESE
some say i am to uncontrollable
some say i never mount to nothing
some say i never be good enough
some say i am not a good mom
some can not just let go of my PAST mistakes
some say i am worthless
some say i am nothing
some say, some say, some say, but here what I say to what they say
yes i am off my rocker rather be that way then a stuffy bore
yes i am uncontrollable but at least i know how to be me
yes i will mount to something and even more
Yes I am good enough maybe just a little to good for YOU
hell yes I am a good MOM just ask my children
for those who can not let go of what I have done in the past it your problem not mine I have moved on why don't you!
Yes I am Worth something
and Yes I am more then nothing I am me and I love to be Me so leave me be
for those who think they know me,
think they can control me,
for those who think to put me down and judge me,
think twice before you do so
for those with out sin can only do so and since there is no one with out sin and you have not walk in my path of life do not say what i have choice to do and not do is wrong ..
Mistakes are what make and shape us to be who we are !!
so when the naysayers start to do the whole some say bit remember this of what i have told you and let them bring some one else down cause you wont be around to let them help bring you down........
©2012-BSAW-AHSW-ALL-RIGHT-RESE
Monday, May 7, 2012
I am back and happier then ever I am Home finally
Well folk it has been a while since i have written and for that I am truly sorry but thing had to be done pack and such what not but a lot of stuff has happen since i last wrote in here the major new is i have moved out of Georgia and is now back home in Missouri which for that i am totally grateful for new i have found out info on my Mr X and well let say u will be surprise but that getting ahead of my self on that one . So any ways back to the move that has transpire to change my and my children Whole life ......
I was miserable in Georgia with no family and really not a lot of friends (those who was where always busy which is understandable but the rest was just not ever there for me ) and for a while i had been talking about wanting to move home . My friend J and I talk about it (just so you know J and i have been best friends in High School so I have known her for over 18 plus years always was there for me always had my back just as I had her's ) and well in stead of waiting for my Disability to come in the Kids and I would move now cause at that time there was no telling when I get to court and all .. So as we plan everything out to the letter had it worked out that J and a friend T was going to drive up to Georgia and get the kids and I help us move the stuff in the U-Haul and we all drive back to the great state of Missouri . Well as time went we had to move the date up a month earlier then plan then it got to be the house never sold so J couldn't drive up so I took it a pond my self to do the moving and the driving with 3 small children in the U-haul with me .. OMG what a pain in the butt that was first my mom came down and help me go to get the U-haul then tried to help me and the kids pack it which what should of only took a few hours at the most end up taking a lot longer and we didn't even pack all the stuff .. I left behind all my dresser, my bed, my daughter bed and even some dishes and appliances cause i was struggling to move the heavier items. Hell i even had the dolly fall on me loaded down with heavy boxes had to get help to get it off of me. I ended up cover in bruise of all shapes and sizes i swear even my inside was bruised up from that fall. We had started loading the U-haul up about or around noon and it was not even till almost 6 before we was done loading the U-haul and my mother truck up by that time i was hurting so bad that standing was feeling like i was walking on broken glass, my back and arms felt has they had been pulled from my body by such forces that was not humanly possible. I had drank more water that day then i think i have ever in my life but yet it was not even enough i has sweated out more then i was able to put in. I swear to you i really think i lost at least 5 to 10 pounds that day moving .. Even thou we had the truck load and mom was on her was back to South Carolina I was still there in Georgia for one more night and no way was i going to spend it at that house with no Air. The kids and I was to over heated from moving stuff I figured a night in a nice but cheap hotel would be a good thing. Little did i know that my day that was turning worse for the wear.
We had decided to stay at Super 8 Hotel due to the way the Hotel was located on the road and with me driving a big freaking truck i figured it was easier to then trying to cross traffic but i was also told it would be cheap well it was not but the lady there was so sweet and nice she gave us the room at a cheaper rate then what was normal and then when we got in to the room the air was not working. She even went and found a new room and even had the air on for us and let us know and even gave the kids some snacks for the road trip.. Well it took me a bit but i got the kids feed and settle down to sleep of course by that time it was almost 10 pm at night which was way past their normal bedtime . I had tried to eat even thou I knew i need to i was just not that hungry. I made the phone call i had to make then i try to settle down. Around 3 am i woke up feeling as i was going to die and get sick to my stomach of course i did i spent the next few hour of 3 am till 7 am leaning over the bed with my head in a trash can praying that i would stop throwing up no such luck for me..So as the time to get up i was feeling like the living dead but i knew that i had to get moving we had what i thought at that time a 12 and half hour drive which the way my luck was going turn out to be longer way longer. Of course i had to drop mom tag off for her van at the DMV which in turn told me mom had to be there to sign for it or i could mail it inn with no signing for it was a was of a hour of my time so by the time we got on the road it was nearly 9 am and of course as i just gotten the hwy to start out trip the kids inform me they had to pee. So not even 10 mins in the trip we are pulling over to get off on a exited to go to the gas station to let them pee and i went a head and filled up my huge mug full of water and crushed ice so that i have something to drink then we got back on the road. Things seam to being good we traveled toward Atlanta made it there by 11am and got thou the turns and what nos to be on the right road heading Alabama which was not that bad of a trip i pointed out to the kids as we past each milestone like when we change time zone and went from being 12:03 to being 11:03 which the kids thought was a hoot. to when we crossed the state line from state to state or even town that was major one we was looking for all seem to be okay eve when i filled up at the Alabama State line and only paid 3.59 for gas and it only cost total of 83 buck but that when thing took a turn for the worse and almost scary was after i had gotten gas for the truck i had also bought some No-Doze and a shot of energy drink which was to help me stay awake cause the road was making me sleepy while driving and we had not even been on the road but for a few hours so here ai am downing two No-Doze and drink a large thing of Dr Pepper my nerves are starting to jump a bit around and did ok till we almost got to Birmingham, Alabama and had to stop to get something to eat then it had been almost 1 pm . so we pulled over at a taco bell to have lunch the kids had their kids me and I for the first time tried a Doritos Loco taco which i have to say are AMAZING!!!! lol and we rested for a few mins till my legs was calm down and not jumping all over the place then got back on the road worked our way to Missouri at this time it was already after 2 pm almost 3pm and we was only half way there or at least i thought i was. Hours flew by and we had cross in to Mississippi and then as i was looking for a exited that had a gas station I could stop at a highway cop turn his light one scaring the HELL out of me to the point my face was all tingling like i was hyperventilating or having a heart attack but all he wanted was to get by me so he could speed thou i was so close to tears ... For those who don't know me know I hate COPS of any kind had to many bad experiences with them i do not trust them it took me till we got to the Pilot gas station to start to calm down enough that my heart did not hurt like hell in my chest in New Albany, Mississippi . Of course it did not help that i was jacked up on No-Dozed two doses which i found out make you very jumpy lol . and waiting in line to get gas was not a strong suit of mine lol .. But of course i had no choice i had run the truck almost out of gas and was not taking a chance i ran out all the way it took me nearly 100.00 to fill it up and that price was at 3.53 a gallon i can only imitation what it really been if i had to pay a higher price and to boot the stupid card of mine would not go thou as credit but only as debt and i did not think of it at that time that it cause problems for me all i can say is thanks goodness i had cash on me but i explain later i am once again getting a head of my self .. So here it is already after 6 pm and we are still in Mississippi and still had a way to go and we still had at least another 50 miles to Memphis Tn .. So as we travel the last mile to Memphis thinking we are almost home the winds start to pick up i am talking i had trouble staying straight on the road. It was blowing me everywhere and i was white knuckling the steering wheel afraid i was going to loose control of the truck and flip the truck of course as we get in and cross the state line of Tennessee and up on Memphis I get lost in Memphis and end up in the south side which is not a good area to be at if your lost and in a U-haul and have now clue where to go so i pull out the cell phone look up the nearest gas station and stop to ask for direction to get to the hwy i need only to find out i am across where i need to go (shake my head lol ) so i climb back in the truck slam down the other energy drink shot which yucky it tasted gross lol and take off again we finally made it back on track and made it to the bridge of the Mississippi River that crossed into Arkansas thinking that we only had 2 or 3 more hours cause according to the map we only had the tip of Arkansas to get thou. Boy was i wrong even tho we had stop at the gas station to get dinner I called J and my daughter to let them know where i was . We took a bit to get back on the road but we did after the kids had eaten and went to the bathroom. Off we went down the long dark road by this time it was almost after 8pm and thinking just a few more hours and i be there and we can get of of this stupid truck but Boy was I wrong more then ever i already knew i was going to have to fill up again soon in gas which make it the third time i had to fill up :( was not happy about that but what could i do so we traveled thou the night in Arkansas . The wind was blowing the night was dark and not another car on the road which was okay but yet at the same time it was creepy and to boot there was no light but my own on the road. So as i drive the road get smaller and turns to a 2 lane road which i hate and of course i hate driving at night expelly when i do not know where i am going . We stop like 2 times to find out where we are at and to see if we are on the right road the last time we stop it was at a McDonald and I ask the Cop (remember I hate cops and already had the daylight scared out of me earlier) and he looking like I am from Mars or something and he like Ma'am it is that way to the State line about 17 mile . So I thank him and took off and head the way he told ad of course it never fails the road was curvy and hill and could only go 45 mile a hour which sucked when u have got a semi truck on ur butt and he can not pass u .. So as the mile pass we finally cross the Missouri state line and stop at the truck stop to get gas and call J to let her know we are in Missouri and at this time it is almost 12 am only to find out we still had two more more to go and i could not use my debt card there had to be credit so i gave the kids their med and load us up to get to the next near town. So as i pull up to the gas station to get gas i try to use my card and it would not let me i even tried to use the ATM to get money and it would not let me and here where i said i was glad i had cash on me cause if it was not for the cash on hand i would of been stuck at the gas station till morning before i could get a hold of the bank . So I filled the tank up and got back on the road praying it would be over soon cause i was tired and worn out and majorly stiff from sitting so long behind the wheel of this truck .. the way it had been mapped out to me was i would have to drive to Springfield then come back down Ozark where J would then meet me and i followed her back to the house. As i was about 30 mins or so from Springfield i saw the road that said NN toward the Ozarks so i took and called J to have here be on her way to meet us of course that time it was after 2 am and i was soo done with this whole road trip thing.. We meet up with J in Ozark and we drove back to the house and by the time we got unload for what me need for the moment and settle in the house it was after 4 am before i was sleep and then I was back up at 7 am and then J and i got the kids settle for the day and her and I drove in to town and did some running one was getting a Po Box and switch all the kids insurances it was great then we got a storage unit and we unload all the stuff out of the U-haul and then Friday we went took the U-haul back and I got my Driver License which totally made my day i was a official Missourian and what made it more cool was they used my maiden last name instead of my married last name and then the weekend was a blur but it was great we had went to the creek and let the kids swim and jump off the bridge and Sunday we chilled and let the kids play . Today the kids chilled out watching DVD and I call lawyer got them to transfer the SSI case over to Missouri and even switch the number to be a Missouri one. I have to say it has been a very productive few days but We are all Happy here and can not wait till i can get a car and the my own place in Neosho and start seeing family .. well it time for me to draw this little story of mine to a end and thou it not the end of My children and Myself life it only just beginning more will come of it this am sure but to be honest i can not wait life a adventure and I am going to make the best out of it all. So i will caught ya'll on the flip side of thing and stay true to urself that who it mean more to then to be something u are not :o)
I was miserable in Georgia with no family and really not a lot of friends (those who was where always busy which is understandable but the rest was just not ever there for me ) and for a while i had been talking about wanting to move home . My friend J and I talk about it (just so you know J and i have been best friends in High School so I have known her for over 18 plus years always was there for me always had my back just as I had her's ) and well in stead of waiting for my Disability to come in the Kids and I would move now cause at that time there was no telling when I get to court and all .. So as we plan everything out to the letter had it worked out that J and a friend T was going to drive up to Georgia and get the kids and I help us move the stuff in the U-Haul and we all drive back to the great state of Missouri . Well as time went we had to move the date up a month earlier then plan then it got to be the house never sold so J couldn't drive up so I took it a pond my self to do the moving and the driving with 3 small children in the U-haul with me .. OMG what a pain in the butt that was first my mom came down and help me go to get the U-haul then tried to help me and the kids pack it which what should of only took a few hours at the most end up taking a lot longer and we didn't even pack all the stuff .. I left behind all my dresser, my bed, my daughter bed and even some dishes and appliances cause i was struggling to move the heavier items. Hell i even had the dolly fall on me loaded down with heavy boxes had to get help to get it off of me. I ended up cover in bruise of all shapes and sizes i swear even my inside was bruised up from that fall. We had started loading the U-haul up about or around noon and it was not even till almost 6 before we was done loading the U-haul and my mother truck up by that time i was hurting so bad that standing was feeling like i was walking on broken glass, my back and arms felt has they had been pulled from my body by such forces that was not humanly possible. I had drank more water that day then i think i have ever in my life but yet it was not even enough i has sweated out more then i was able to put in. I swear to you i really think i lost at least 5 to 10 pounds that day moving .. Even thou we had the truck load and mom was on her was back to South Carolina I was still there in Georgia for one more night and no way was i going to spend it at that house with no Air. The kids and I was to over heated from moving stuff I figured a night in a nice but cheap hotel would be a good thing. Little did i know that my day that was turning worse for the wear.
We had decided to stay at Super 8 Hotel due to the way the Hotel was located on the road and with me driving a big freaking truck i figured it was easier to then trying to cross traffic but i was also told it would be cheap well it was not but the lady there was so sweet and nice she gave us the room at a cheaper rate then what was normal and then when we got in to the room the air was not working. She even went and found a new room and even had the air on for us and let us know and even gave the kids some snacks for the road trip.. Well it took me a bit but i got the kids feed and settle down to sleep of course by that time it was almost 10 pm at night which was way past their normal bedtime . I had tried to eat even thou I knew i need to i was just not that hungry. I made the phone call i had to make then i try to settle down. Around 3 am i woke up feeling as i was going to die and get sick to my stomach of course i did i spent the next few hour of 3 am till 7 am leaning over the bed with my head in a trash can praying that i would stop throwing up no such luck for me..So as the time to get up i was feeling like the living dead but i knew that i had to get moving we had what i thought at that time a 12 and half hour drive which the way my luck was going turn out to be longer way longer. Of course i had to drop mom tag off for her van at the DMV which in turn told me mom had to be there to sign for it or i could mail it inn with no signing for it was a was of a hour of my time so by the time we got on the road it was nearly 9 am and of course as i just gotten the hwy to start out trip the kids inform me they had to pee. So not even 10 mins in the trip we are pulling over to get off on a exited to go to the gas station to let them pee and i went a head and filled up my huge mug full of water and crushed ice so that i have something to drink then we got back on the road. Things seam to being good we traveled toward Atlanta made it there by 11am and got thou the turns and what nos to be on the right road heading Alabama which was not that bad of a trip i pointed out to the kids as we past each milestone like when we change time zone and went from being 12:03 to being 11:03 which the kids thought was a hoot. to when we crossed the state line from state to state or even town that was major one we was looking for all seem to be okay eve when i filled up at the Alabama State line and only paid 3.59 for gas and it only cost total of 83 buck but that when thing took a turn for the worse and almost scary was after i had gotten gas for the truck i had also bought some No-Doze and a shot of energy drink which was to help me stay awake cause the road was making me sleepy while driving and we had not even been on the road but for a few hours so here ai am downing two No-Doze and drink a large thing of Dr Pepper my nerves are starting to jump a bit around and did ok till we almost got to Birmingham, Alabama and had to stop to get something to eat then it had been almost 1 pm . so we pulled over at a taco bell to have lunch the kids had their kids me and I for the first time tried a Doritos Loco taco which i have to say are AMAZING!!!! lol and we rested for a few mins till my legs was calm down and not jumping all over the place then got back on the road worked our way to Missouri at this time it was already after 2 pm almost 3pm and we was only half way there or at least i thought i was. Hours flew by and we had cross in to Mississippi and then as i was looking for a exited that had a gas station I could stop at a highway cop turn his light one scaring the HELL out of me to the point my face was all tingling like i was hyperventilating or having a heart attack but all he wanted was to get by me so he could speed thou i was so close to tears ... For those who don't know me know I hate COPS of any kind had to many bad experiences with them i do not trust them it took me till we got to the Pilot gas station to start to calm down enough that my heart did not hurt like hell in my chest in New Albany, Mississippi . Of course it did not help that i was jacked up on No-Dozed two doses which i found out make you very jumpy lol . and waiting in line to get gas was not a strong suit of mine lol .. But of course i had no choice i had run the truck almost out of gas and was not taking a chance i ran out all the way it took me nearly 100.00 to fill it up and that price was at 3.53 a gallon i can only imitation what it really been if i had to pay a higher price and to boot the stupid card of mine would not go thou as credit but only as debt and i did not think of it at that time that it cause problems for me all i can say is thanks goodness i had cash on me but i explain later i am once again getting a head of my self .. So here it is already after 6 pm and we are still in Mississippi and still had a way to go and we still had at least another 50 miles to Memphis Tn .. So as we travel the last mile to Memphis thinking we are almost home the winds start to pick up i am talking i had trouble staying straight on the road. It was blowing me everywhere and i was white knuckling the steering wheel afraid i was going to loose control of the truck and flip the truck of course as we get in and cross the state line of Tennessee and up on Memphis I get lost in Memphis and end up in the south side which is not a good area to be at if your lost and in a U-haul and have now clue where to go so i pull out the cell phone look up the nearest gas station and stop to ask for direction to get to the hwy i need only to find out i am across where i need to go (shake my head lol ) so i climb back in the truck slam down the other energy drink shot which yucky it tasted gross lol and take off again we finally made it back on track and made it to the bridge of the Mississippi River that crossed into Arkansas thinking that we only had 2 or 3 more hours cause according to the map we only had the tip of Arkansas to get thou. Boy was i wrong even tho we had stop at the gas station to get dinner I called J and my daughter to let them know where i was . We took a bit to get back on the road but we did after the kids had eaten and went to the bathroom. Off we went down the long dark road by this time it was almost after 8pm and thinking just a few more hours and i be there and we can get of of this stupid truck but Boy was I wrong more then ever i already knew i was going to have to fill up again soon in gas which make it the third time i had to fill up :( was not happy about that but what could i do so we traveled thou the night in Arkansas . The wind was blowing the night was dark and not another car on the road which was okay but yet at the same time it was creepy and to boot there was no light but my own on the road. So as i drive the road get smaller and turns to a 2 lane road which i hate and of course i hate driving at night expelly when i do not know where i am going . We stop like 2 times to find out where we are at and to see if we are on the right road the last time we stop it was at a McDonald and I ask the Cop (remember I hate cops and already had the daylight scared out of me earlier) and he looking like I am from Mars or something and he like Ma'am it is that way to the State line about 17 mile . So I thank him and took off and head the way he told ad of course it never fails the road was curvy and hill and could only go 45 mile a hour which sucked when u have got a semi truck on ur butt and he can not pass u .. So as the mile pass we finally cross the Missouri state line and stop at the truck stop to get gas and call J to let her know we are in Missouri and at this time it is almost 12 am only to find out we still had two more more to go and i could not use my debt card there had to be credit so i gave the kids their med and load us up to get to the next near town. So as i pull up to the gas station to get gas i try to use my card and it would not let me i even tried to use the ATM to get money and it would not let me and here where i said i was glad i had cash on me cause if it was not for the cash on hand i would of been stuck at the gas station till morning before i could get a hold of the bank . So I filled the tank up and got back on the road praying it would be over soon cause i was tired and worn out and majorly stiff from sitting so long behind the wheel of this truck .. the way it had been mapped out to me was i would have to drive to Springfield then come back down Ozark where J would then meet me and i followed her back to the house. As i was about 30 mins or so from Springfield i saw the road that said NN toward the Ozarks so i took and called J to have here be on her way to meet us of course that time it was after 2 am and i was soo done with this whole road trip thing.. We meet up with J in Ozark and we drove back to the house and by the time we got unload for what me need for the moment and settle in the house it was after 4 am before i was sleep and then I was back up at 7 am and then J and i got the kids settle for the day and her and I drove in to town and did some running one was getting a Po Box and switch all the kids insurances it was great then we got a storage unit and we unload all the stuff out of the U-haul and then Friday we went took the U-haul back and I got my Driver License which totally made my day i was a official Missourian and what made it more cool was they used my maiden last name instead of my married last name and then the weekend was a blur but it was great we had went to the creek and let the kids swim and jump off the bridge and Sunday we chilled and let the kids play . Today the kids chilled out watching DVD and I call lawyer got them to transfer the SSI case over to Missouri and even switch the number to be a Missouri one. I have to say it has been a very productive few days but We are all Happy here and can not wait till i can get a car and the my own place in Neosho and start seeing family .. well it time for me to draw this little story of mine to a end and thou it not the end of My children and Myself life it only just beginning more will come of it this am sure but to be honest i can not wait life a adventure and I am going to make the best out of it all. So i will caught ya'll on the flip side of thing and stay true to urself that who it mean more to then to be something u are not :o)
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Dad releases audio of teachers allegedly bullying autistic son
Dad releases audio of teachers allegedly bullying autistic son
this make me so effing mad am seeing red and if it was me i would make sure those stupid people who call them self a teacher need to be fired with out pay.. If this ever happen to my Autistic son I woulds make sure THEY life was a living HELL!!!!!
this make me so effing mad am seeing red and if it was me i would make sure those stupid people who call them self a teacher need to be fired with out pay.. If this ever happen to my Autistic son I woulds make sure THEY life was a living HELL!!!!!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Here I stand a song I wrote
(just
a side note beside poems I use to write song lyrics so bear with e it
been that long of a time since i last wrote one enjoy)
I sit here in the dark tear streaming down my faces.
Your face come to my mind and my heart break even more
I told myself I would let another hurt me again
And instead u walk right in and stoked my heart string
Crept in like a thief in the night and walk away with my heart
How could you be the one who walk tho my wall I build around me
How is it you could look at me know who I was and still took my heart
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
It hurt so bad how I love you now when I never wanted to love
How is it possible I didn't see the lie that floats around you like a flag
It cut me deeper to see how you played me for a fool
Without you I live a little closer to the edge of death
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
In the end you had done what you set out to do you have stole my heart
So clever you have done to these endeavors to my heart
It is over it is growing strong till I will fade away
You sneak in like a thief in the night and took my heart
Surround me till I feel apart I feel you creeping in on me
I just never knew this day would come to the end
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight I will never win
I hate what I have become. I hate who I am now intoxicated by what I though was a love from you
Now all I want to do is burn this world down I have lost my mind it cause you had to have it all
You had to take what was not your you greedy man who had to have it all
Don't you have enough without taking what you don't deserve
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
Are you so cold you could not face me like a man had to stalk in the shadows
One by one you made your way in to my heart . you are so cold you had to take what was not yours
You had a plan all along to bend me to your will but that all right i will not let you have another try
You are so cold but you feel so alive but lay a hand on me and you will see how i end it alright
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair. I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
Here I stand helpless and left for dead but you close your eyes that so many days go by and
you don't even know what you did to me
I say good bye as I rather dances with the devil tonight I can not look you in the eye as I am dancing with the devil
I had believed in you and you had show me the truth of your self you are the devil I dance with tonight
Came as a thief in to my heart and took what you wanted left me to dance with the devil
Here I stand helpless and left for dead i know
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
You crept into my heart and stole it from me so I sit here in the dark with tears streaming down my face again
copyright©2012-ahsws-B-SAW-company-©2012
I sit here in the dark tear streaming down my faces.
Your face come to my mind and my heart break even more
I told myself I would let another hurt me again
And instead u walk right in and stoked my heart string
Crept in like a thief in the night and walk away with my heart
How could you be the one who walk tho my wall I build around me
How is it you could look at me know who I was and still took my heart
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
It hurt so bad how I love you now when I never wanted to love
How is it possible I didn't see the lie that floats around you like a flag
It cut me deeper to see how you played me for a fool
Without you I live a little closer to the edge of death
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
In the end you had done what you set out to do you have stole my heart
So clever you have done to these endeavors to my heart
It is over it is growing strong till I will fade away
You sneak in like a thief in the night and took my heart
Surround me till I feel apart I feel you creeping in on me
I just never knew this day would come to the end
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight I will never win
I hate what I have become. I hate who I am now intoxicated by what I though was a love from you
Now all I want to do is burn this world down I have lost my mind it cause you had to have it all
You had to take what was not your you greedy man who had to have it all
Don't you have enough without taking what you don't deserve
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
Are you so cold you could not face me like a man had to stalk in the shadows
One by one you made your way in to my heart . you are so cold you had to take what was not yours
You had a plan all along to bend me to your will but that all right i will not let you have another try
You are so cold but you feel so alive but lay a hand on me and you will see how i end it alright
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair. I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
Here I stand helpless and left for dead but you close your eyes that so many days go by and
you don't even know what you did to me
I say good bye as I rather dances with the devil tonight I can not look you in the eye as I am dancing with the devil
I had believed in you and you had show me the truth of your self you are the devil I dance with tonight
Came as a thief in to my heart and took what you wanted left me to dance with the devil
Here I stand helpless and left for dead i know
I lost my way , I lost my way, I lost who I am , I lost who I am
It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
You crept into my heart and stole it from me so I sit here in the dark with tears streaming down my face again
copyright©2012-ahsws-B-SAW-company-©2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
so sorry for not writing
hey everyone wanted to say I am sorry I have not written in a while but between the death of my Beloved Rocky and me moving back home I am so busy and have not had time to sit down and write .. I wanted to say I am sorry and for all that do read this and I am not talking to myself thank you for understanding and I promise after 19 days then I be on my way home and after i get settle in I promise I be back up and running again so please bear with me love ya ..
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Ain't that a shame!
My heart is numb...
No longer beating a beat
I am but a shadow of who I once was ..
I am numb to the world hate want to fill me up yet what little of who I was won't let it ...
I no longer care I no longer feel numb is what I am ..
Take heed of what I say if I still talk to you count yourself lucky
For the rest of the world can kiss my ASS...
I will allow small amount of those I know truly care into my heart but those who hate or care not for me or my own can go straight to Hell ...
I no longer care of what other think of me or my own ..
Love me as I am or leave me alone ....
I have no time for ignorance nor tolerate those who hate...
Drama is in Ur name begone
Ur wasting Ur time
Hear my words for I won't speak them again ...
I am done with love and done with care , done with the HUMAN RACE...
For I care no more don't paterize me by saying this to shall pass ..
It a little to late it was a long time a coming ..
I did my best but I was beaten down by the race ..
I can no longer believe that this is what is called fate ...
I had it up to here beyond my face..
My eyes have lost it sparkle...
My soul has lost it faith..
I AM NOT HERE'S OR THERE BUT A SHELL OF THAT OF THE HUMAN RACE......
I CARE NO MORE OF WHAT HAPPEN TO ME SO JUST LET ME BE ..
You can't help me now I done fallen down...
No way to get up....
You all have let my cry's of help fall on your deaf ears....
To little to late for me....
I CARE NO MORE...
Ain't that a shame..
©copyright-2012©-ahsws-B-SAW-company2012©
No longer beating a beat
I am but a shadow of who I once was ..
I am numb to the world hate want to fill me up yet what little of who I was won't let it ...
I no longer care I no longer feel numb is what I am ..
Take heed of what I say if I still talk to you count yourself lucky
For the rest of the world can kiss my ASS...
I will allow small amount of those I know truly care into my heart but those who hate or care not for me or my own can go straight to Hell ...
I no longer care of what other think of me or my own ..
Love me as I am or leave me alone ....
I have no time for ignorance nor tolerate those who hate...
Drama is in Ur name begone
Ur wasting Ur time
Hear my words for I won't speak them again ...
I am done with love and done with care , done with the HUMAN RACE...
For I care no more don't paterize me by saying this to shall pass ..
It a little to late it was a long time a coming ..
I did my best but I was beaten down by the race ..
I can no longer believe that this is what is called fate ...
I had it up to here beyond my face..
My eyes have lost it sparkle...
My soul has lost it faith..
I AM NOT HERE'S OR THERE BUT A SHELL OF THAT OF THE HUMAN RACE......
I CARE NO MORE OF WHAT HAPPEN TO ME SO JUST LET ME BE ..
You can't help me now I done fallen down...
No way to get up....
You all have let my cry's of help fall on your deaf ears....
To little to late for me....
I CARE NO MORE...
Ain't that a shame..
©copyright-2012©-ahsws-B-SAW-company2012©
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Broken am I
My heart is broken
Shatter into a million pieces
A hole that once was a heart
Numb is the feeling I am
I am hollow a empty shell of my self
Ripped from my chest now lays stomped at my feet
Humanity has broken me
If it was not for My Children
I would lay in bed to waste way
They say get up get over it
You need to move on
But how when you lost something you love so dearly
That was a part of your everyday life
I have cried till I can not cry no more
I am hollow, a shallow, shadow of who I once was
Humanity, Socialite, Socialist, Mankind
What ever you may call it has let me down
Has beaten me to the ground
Taken my Will
Taken my fight
Taken my Joy
Taken my Love
Taken who I am and twisted me inside out
Inside out Outside in
I am bended, twisted,stripped, ripped, and most importantly jaded
My heart is broken ripped out of my chest stomped in the ground and hole is now left
This is all you will see ........
I am Broken irrecoverably Broken beyond repair...........
copyright©2012-ahsws-B-SAW-company-©2012
Shatter into a million pieces
A hole that once was a heart
Numb is the feeling I am
I am hollow a empty shell of my self
Ripped from my chest now lays stomped at my feet
Humanity has broken me
If it was not for My Children
I would lay in bed to waste way
They say get up get over it
You need to move on
But how when you lost something you love so dearly
That was a part of your everyday life
I have cried till I can not cry no more
I am hollow, a shallow, shadow of who I once was
Humanity, Socialite, Socialist, Mankind
What ever you may call it has let me down
Has beaten me to the ground
Taken my Will
Taken my fight
Taken my Joy
Taken my Love
Taken who I am and twisted me inside out
Inside out Outside in
I am bended, twisted,stripped, ripped, and most importantly jaded
My heart is broken ripped out of my chest stomped in the ground and hole is now left
This is all you will see ........
I am Broken irrecoverably Broken beyond repair...........
copyright©2012-ahsws-B-SAW-company-©2012
lost of my beloved pet and family member Rocky
I know it been a while and I told you folk why well this weekend has been the worst for me I am living in a nightmare of hellish proportion that I can not seam to get out of and it is killing me. Started on Friday after I got home from paying the bills for the month when I went to get my baby Rocky out of his kennel in my room and give him some dog food I just gave him the last of what I had that morning and I was excited I gotten two 50 pounds of dog food .. When I notice Rocky was not himself at first I chalked it up he was hot maybe and just kept a eye on him but when he started to throw up, I got concern started to call around to those who knew more about dogs then I did and did what was said to help him (Jello water to help keep him hydrated) thou the night after calling a friend who was like a vet we figure from the way he was acting he was blocked up in the back end part well Friday nit turn in to Saturday morning and he seam to be doing better keeping water down and not throwing up still was not eating but if you spent the night throwing up you would not wanna eat either. So I let him go outside thinking he was safe in my own back yard . Boy was I wrong I was in the house in my room doing a few thing to get ready for my mom to come in town when my other dog Country girl started going crazy barking in the hallway i got up to see what going on i glanced out the window not a guy walking away from what at the time look to be my yard and notice he had a dog with same coloring as Rocky but did not think anything of it but felt I need to check on Rocky went outside and notice Rocky was GONE .. I call to my son to get his shoes on and we both searched the yard under any and everything a dog can get under went thou the house just encase he came inside NOTHING .. I even had my son walk down the street to see if he saw him still NOTHING I got upset called the polices . With in 15 mins from calling them the officer showed up and took my report I made a paper copy of a picture of Rocky.. She gave me a card with my case number on it and told me she would go look down the streets around to see what she could find him . I went in side to lay down and cry I could not believe someone had took my baby of course i put what was going on with it all on face book and when my friend had put on my status that they took my baby Rocky for a bait dog i got up and went to my bathroom to cry while I was in there I heard a sound of a car screeching to a halt the sound of a car door slam and then tire peeling off and my other dog barking like crazy .. I thought great some one ran into my car on the street just what I need it when I open up the door there was Rocky looking like someone had thrown him in the yard I grab him and brought him inside and notice he was worse then he had ever been He was so lethargic and barely moving .. I called the cops left a message that who ever took him brought him back .. I called the a vet from the internet and they all had said that that Rocky might of been poison ..Rocky was gone for over 4 hours no telling what was done to him while he was gone . I spent the day and night of Saturday doing everything I could to make him better talk to vet online and thou the phone when Sunday morning came around truly thought Rocky was doing so much better, He had wagged his tail at me got up on his own was keeping all the water and Jello water down his gums seamed pink and it look as if he was on the road to recovery at least that what the Vets and I thought .. as the day wore on He took a turn for the worse again and stop getting better and thou he was keeping water down he was loosing weight so bad he look really bad the vet said if he was still not better in the morning bring him in so as the night wore on around 10 ish or so I took Rocky outside to try to go potty cause His Pee was a good color still after him having dark red color on Saturday the vets thought that as long as we kept him hydrated he be okay till I got him to them on Monday but when i took him out potty he went to the bathroom and it was blood red and liquid I freaked out cause it smelled so bad called the vet and they didn't seam to worried cause I was giving him Jello water that was red so that what it could of been .. So I spent the rest of the night every 30 minutes making sure Rocky got water to keep him hydrated and getting little sleep . When We all got up on Monday morning called the Vet to let them know we was on our way with Rocky.. Letting them know what was going on Rocky who was so weak that he could barely walk and smelled like death and rotten meat i cried all the way there and right before we got there Rocky died in my arms .. The vets said there was nothing they could do but he was poison no doubt about it but then they wanted like almost a 100 bucks to take him off my hands and I said no I was going to go home with him and buried him to the east so that he would be at peace .. few hours latter the Cops called me and asked how Rocky was doing told them that he had died and They said he was sorry that happen and they wanted to find the person or persons that did this but unless they can find any leads or witness their hands was tied on going any further which broke my heart more .. It feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on . There is a hole in my chest and I am not sure it will ever heal and to boot the one person I thought that would be my rock my best friend and also lover of Rotti's .. Would not be there for me He could not deal with the depression and pain right now and that was like a Knife stabbed in already bleeding wound in my chest .. I feel as I am alone more so then ever and Do Not get me wrong I am thankful for all those who was praying and sending well wishes and healing thoughts for Rocky but even as I sit here alone the kids are still asleep surprisingly i am crying and the tear are carving a path down my face in a silent path I am to the point now if I could I just pack up the kids and get the hell out of here .. But at last I can not so I will wait only have 32 more day till my friend come and get me and the kids .. well I guess I better get off here and check on my kids and make sure all is well but I just wanted you to know what going on I have not slept a whole night thou in the past 4 days only had 4 hours sleep so far . I couldnt even sleep last night just lay there and stared at the wall .. I just have one word of advise to you all never leave ur dog outside alone please I DO NOT want anyone to ever feel what I am feeling ... I try to talk to you all later thanks for reading this and if no one does I am to the point I have almost given up on everything but my children I am still here for them and will always be but one thing I know is now I lost y beloved Pet and family member Rocky and for the most part I have lost all if not most of my trust in society of Mankind ..shaking my head
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
the 3rd chapter of my book
Chapter
3:
I
could feel the Moon had risen, next to me Ingram started to stir
awake. I knew that in a bit the thirst would over take me if I didn't
feed soon and with that thought Ingram woke competently awake. Turn
his clear eye of blue toward me and a soft curve of a smile on his
sexy lips.
“Evening
my Akasha I can feel you are hungry no? He asked softly that if it
was not for my now newly found hearing I would of not heard it. “Yes
My love I am can I go with you to hunt this time? I do not want you
to wait on me as if your a servant to me!” I replied. He chuckled
amusingly
“Me
your servant? Oh my dear sweet child I would go to the end of the
earth for you! Just so you may have all that you need or every
wanted!”
It
was my turn to laugh “Oh my love you are to sweet to me for what
reason I can not comprehend. “ I softly cooed to him. With that
being said I rose from out bed to walk to our bathroom to wash for
out night of hunting knowing that if I look that of a Angel of the
Night then I could just maybe trap my meal. I shudder at the thought
I now refer Men to as my meal. Unlike Ingram I could not make myself
kill my prey I could only take what I need to sedated my thirst. Even
thou Ingram encourage me to finish him off so I would not so thirsty
all the time I just could not bring myself yet to do it. As I was
looking in the mirror adjusting my hair that use to be so lifeless
that now shone as it was alive and move on it own. My hair use to be
that of a copper now was a bright red of a rose that just bloomed. I
stood a few more minutes in front of the mirror when I heard Ingram
coming to the bathroom door already dress. He had a look I never saw
in his eye before. It was that of pride,peace and lust. I turn to
look at him and ask “ Ingram why do you look at me like that so?”
I whispered to him. Laughing heartily he looked at me “Do you
really not see what I see?” He asked me. “No what do you see all
I see is a women who has suffered for all her life and was lonely but
now I have you.” I said looking at him thou the mirror in front of
me. Ingram walk up behind me and put his arms around me taking his
left hand making my face look at myself in the mirror and replied “
Look at yourself not with your eyes but thou mine!” As he placed
his right hand to where my heart use to beat. “Look at what I see!
I see this extroversion of a women who even thou been thou Hell and
back has still remain someone who care not only of what other are
going thou but what she can do to help ease their suffering. I see a
true pure soul that can and will break not only my curse but the
curse that is also on the fallen of mankind!” He continued as he
stroked the side of my face with the back of his hand. “Your beauty
can not compare to not even to Eywa herself or that of
Aphrodite's
looks. To me nothing can compare to you all other pale compare to
what is inside of you. For not only do you have that of true beauty
on the outside but what you have in your heart and soul is so much
more then the purest diamond or gold!” As he trailed of the vision
of what he saw of me nearly knocked me over and had not Ingram been
behind me pressed up against me I am surely would have fallen! I saw
a women with hair so red it look as if it was alive, touch of
highlight seam to hit in the right spot that her hair look like red
gold sunset one moment next that of red hot lava. Her skin was that
of purest white driven snow not a flaw was in that skin of porcelain.
The most shocking was her eyes it was that of a bright emerald green
as if a light was shinning thou them. What was more strange those
same Emerald green eyes could show compassion and love but there was
a hint of the passion of angry if was betrayed or crossed with a way
of making a person stop in their track. Then to see the air of
confidence that strolled around her as if it was a cloak or second
skin, Standing tall with shoulder back that brought forth her heavy
laid bosoms to her slim fitting waist to her shapely hips of a women
who could hold her ground but was still soft as a women should be. I
was so shocked I nearly cried for when I look back from what Ingram
saw of me I saw him in the reflection of the mirror you could clearly
see the love he had for me shine out of his eye there was no mistake
about it he truly loved me. I started to cry softly as Ingram turn me
around to face him saying “Now you see why I look at you so? I have
never though I could love another so much as I do you! You complete
me and make me whole. I can feel as I can live all my day in the dark
as long as you are by my side.” I look up from where I had laid my
head to stare in his eye that when I first meet him thought was eye
of ice but now I see are filled with love. “I will never leave you
my love I shall follow you to where ever you may go as long as you
wish me to be by your side!” I whispered softly but knew Ingram
heard me for his eyes light up and a smile came across his handsome
face. With that he lean down to kiss me and place me in a tight grip
of a hug that would of crushed a normal person. I started to laugh as
at that moment the thirst had hit me and made my stomach rumble which
in return cause Ingram to laugh hard which made me laugh harder.
“Come my love let go feed so that your thirst may not be come out
of control. I know who you do not wish to kill the prey but hear me
now never let the thirst become uncontrollable for if it does yo will
have no control over yourself and many will die at you hand!”
Ingram had warn me. I shudder at the though of me being out of
control and hurting a innocents. “Lets go then I am dress for the
night and I shall like to get my fill without killing anyone if that
is possible may take me a few men but I am game for it!” I had
stated to him. Ingram just chuckled and grab my hand and said “Let
go my love the night is waiting us and we have lots to do before the
sunrise run us inside!” As we walk out in to the twilight of the
dark night the moon shown bright as look as if it was a promising
night for us to hunt we could hear the sounds of music and laughter
in the air. I raised my head to the sky with a deep inhale of the
night I could smell the pumping blood that was to feed me tonight as
I was sure so could Ingram. I turn to look at Ingram as he look at
me, we grinned to each other and ran off in to the night for our
meal...
copyright 2021-ahsws-B-SAW-company-2012
Sorry it been a few day
Sorry folk it been a few day since I last written but between the going thou stuff and now two days off of soda which I have been on for the past 18+ years it been ruff on me.. As it is I have the shakes and terrible headaches and extremely grouchy.. Ugh I hate this but I must break this addiction I have for my beloved Dr Pepper plus I know when I do I will loose some weight at least 20 pounds or so cause I drink in the up wards of 24 pack or more a day if I allow myself which I am surprised that my kidney have not shut down lol or that my blood sugar has not gone crazy lol heck I bet you if you taped my blood it come out Dr Pepper not blood that how much I drink any ways I can not stay on here I really must go thou the rest of my closet I am almost done plus it driving me crazy this clutter ugh plus I got only 38 more days they are going by fast and the fact I got 9 days before my Yard sale start so I hope you all have a great day and please pardon my absent if I am not writing ever day love you all and thanks for all your support also am posting the third chapter of my book hope you all enjoy :o)
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Will I fit in with my own family or still be a odd ball out
sigh I am sitting here my mind can not seam to be stopping wondering a
lot of things like.. when I get home will my kids fit in.. will the
family love my kids as much as I do .. Will the family treat them as the
family and not a outsider like they have been treated before .. It been
almost 12 years since I have been home and around my family .. I never
felt as I fit in my family any where. I have
always march to my own beat of music and still do to this day and think
my children should do the same.. Heck I never fit in High School either
while all the kids was wearing Wrangler's or some cowboy/girl shirt and
Roper boots. I was wearing holey Jeans with a flannel wrapped around my
waist and wearing a wife beater with my fringe suede leather jacket (oh
how I miss that jacket it was really old) or Granny dress with the
buttons that went the length of the dress and i had only like 4 of them
button wearing biker shorts under it .. It like i was from a different
planet all together heck when Music class did a remake of the musical
Grease while all the other kids was hunting down cloths at a costume
store all I had to do was go in my closet! My step dad had a pair of old
Navy bell bottom pants that i painted on it then my old Tye dyed shirt
and head band and a feather clip with blue John Lenard glass lol and
don't forget my suede fringe leather jacket lol ! I look like I stepped
out of a time machine lol .. Some time growing I swear I was dropped
into my family and that one of the many reason I left home and moved so
far away and now that I am going back I am worried not just for me but
for my kids on how well we fit back in with my family . I am kinda on
different plain level with the way I think and do things Hell I am 33
year old single mom I am cover in tattoos and I got piercing and my hair
at this moment is Blueish green but I love my kids with all my heart I
do anything for them .. I also believe that is always good to play in
the rain with ur kids it does wonders for ur heart and soul as well as
strengthen ur relationship with ur kids . I believe that my kids should
be able to talk to me about anything even if i am uncomfortable with
what they are talking about i do my best to help them or have someone
who know more help them. I believe that sometime having a good sit down
and cry / scream is good for your heart and mind when thing seam to be
too much . Just as I also believe that it is far better to say what you
feel so other know what your thinking and feeling then not to say
anything and other misunderstood who and what you are about . I am me
and that all I am going to be whether I ever be come a famous writer or
artist or just being a Mom I am who I am and my children love me for
that. as I want them to be them self no matter what that may bring ..
And if for some reason me being the odd ball out in my family does not
allow my kids the chances to have a larger family then the just me and a
few friends who is like family.. I will not cry, I will not get upset! I
will keep on being me and love my kids enough for three family. we did
good so far this past few years we will be okay for many more .... thou I
will admit I want my kids to fit in with my family they are too
precious not to be loved they warm my heart each and every day i am sure
they do the same to the family :o)
Friday, March 23, 2012
Let it rain! Let it rain 43 more days left
Well I woke up this morning after spending most of the night talking to Mr X and yes we are still talking folk we are friends after all. And let put it this way a lot of thing come out in the open for instance the reason Mr X and ex wife still in the same house is to help each other out on bills. Which I can totally understand the economy sucks. So with that knowledge and a few other thing we talk about the past and the thing that has happen to me and thing that happen to him and how I am still in his heart always and care deeply for me. Which make the fact I love him still a lot better and we have decided to take thing slow and be good friends and see where thing go if they go any where other then friends. I am torn between wanting us to be more then just friends and then just happy that Mr X is back in my life. I am a very confused person right now but then again when am I not confused about something lol. Well Mr X and I talk till like 5:30 in the morning and it was nice i can not stress how nice it was lol.
Well as for as today i woke up after my hour sleep to get the kids up and ready and out the door for school. After thee kids left I sat on my bed rethinking about the thing Mr X and I talk about last night. I got the dogs out and drank my coffee and fiddle on face book for a bit then I got up and start what I need to do but I am telling you this I am so tempted to burn it all. I really am ugh I am telling you you never know how much stuff you have till you gotta move or get rid of things. If i don't burn it I am seriously thinking of just putting out on the curb with a sign saying free lol . Other then that thing are okay kids had a good day and no homework. So they are watching T.v and just about getting done eating their Pizza and Milk . Me on the other hand am enjoying a nice salad with very little ranch on it then I have a couple pieces of Pizza .. man gotta love frozen pizza lol make life easier :o)
As far as the weekend I am going to try to work more on my room and still have family time like we have every weekend. I got a couple of movie for the kids to watch one being a classic Lady and the Tramp lol . Well Pizza timer went off so I better get off here Hope all have a great Friday and even better Weekend till next time Ciao
Well as for as today i woke up after my hour sleep to get the kids up and ready and out the door for school. After thee kids left I sat on my bed rethinking about the thing Mr X and I talk about last night. I got the dogs out and drank my coffee and fiddle on face book for a bit then I got up and start what I need to do but I am telling you this I am so tempted to burn it all. I really am ugh I am telling you you never know how much stuff you have till you gotta move or get rid of things. If i don't burn it I am seriously thinking of just putting out on the curb with a sign saying free lol . Other then that thing are okay kids had a good day and no homework. So they are watching T.v and just about getting done eating their Pizza and Milk . Me on the other hand am enjoying a nice salad with very little ranch on it then I have a couple pieces of Pizza .. man gotta love frozen pizza lol make life easier :o)
As far as the weekend I am going to try to work more on my room and still have family time like we have every weekend. I got a couple of movie for the kids to watch one being a classic Lady and the Tramp lol . Well Pizza timer went off so I better get off here Hope all have a great Friday and even better Weekend till next time Ciao
Thursday, March 22, 2012
44 more day and then of packing dont seam to end lol
Well I hurt my back and right knee helping a friend out she had a flat tire and need me walk to her with some smoke and a drink while she waiting on someone to help her with the flat tire. Well walking to her i stepped down wrong and my knee cap flipped over on me and in that processes which threw my back out of place with that sever nerve damage.. So as I sit here writing this my back is hurting. Will be glad when the kids are in bed I am going to soak in tub and then go to bed early tonight but at least I got to get out of the house today lol and got to go to Wendy for lunch all I had only a Jr Bacon Burger and I was full and hurting so guess that means my stomach has gone down in size lol . I also decided to when run out of soda I am going to cut soda out of my diet and I will keep my coffee and drink more water and hoping that will help my loose some more weight . So fair warning I am going to be Crabby lol .Well I know this is short but I gotta go make kids their dinner and lay down a bit cause again I gotta work some more on my closet. Uugghh I swear it will never end lol well I got least 9 day to go thou the house so I can have stuff ready for a yard sale like the first weekend of April and have one every weekend till first of May that should give me enough time to sale everything if not then I donated the rest of it.. Figured that would help me I gave my self a smaller date to have all this gone thou then all I gotta do is get enough boxes and pack all the stuff and be waiting on May 4 I am so happy can't wait for the move to be over with lol and to be able to see all my old friends and my family 12 year is way to long to not see the family.. Well I better run it almost 7pm and Kids need their dinner talk to you all later bye Ciao
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
tired but happy
well kids got their report cards today and am proud to say that it as all very good A's and B's on all three of them .. all is going well as far as the move goes 44 day since today almost over with the only minor set back is my health something up with my back i have a syntactic nerve messing up and for the most part it has always been in my lower back but the past few days it has traveled up my back and bother my neck and left arm i can barely life my left arm and barely move my neck and the pain is killing me which make my head pound and i cant seam to stay awake oh well must keep moving on no choice i got alot to do and short time in it well it getting late and i need to finish making dinner hope u all have a great night .Ciao
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
why is it for the most you can not trust people
Hello all today going to be a rant and rave day so I apologize now if you get offended it just I need to do this cause what just happen to be is bugging the Hell out of me and I need to get this out before I try to go clean my closet out for the move......
How is it that now a day when you truly do something out of the goodness of your heart cause someone was hurting they end up stabbing you in the back!!! I might of told you that a friend of mine I have known for at least 5 years. He can be what called a typical man at time but still I thought he was a good guy just had a bit of a ruff life. Well he came to my house late in the evening on the 8th needing a place to crash he didn't have a place to crash so I said sure why not if I was in the same boat I want someone to show me kindness. Well I had him sleeping in the play room and all thing seam to be okay and we hung out I let him use my prepaid cell phone so he could call his girl that he sent home in another state. Feed him cause I can't eat in front of people who doesn't have anything to eat. Then Monday came around and he was able to get his job back so he worked during the week it seam that thing was okay he was getting himself straight to be able to move back home to his girl. He was even helping me raise up the money to get my divorce finalized and on Friday he gave me 40 buck out of the 200 and told me he has to work the weekend and was staying at his boss house so they could go straight to the job site.. I am like okay i can understand that. He said be be back Sunday when work was done and also with the rest of the money form the stuff he sold for me.. Well Sunday night came and went Monday rolled around still he hasn't been back his suitcase is till here. So Monday night I called his girlfriend and ask if she had heard from him and of course she say she hasn't and was going to find out what she could by calling his cousin and old boss. Well it Tuesday now and thou it morning I still haven't heard from him or his girl now and I am beginning to get pissed off not for the fact he hasn't stayed here but for the fact he said he have the rest of my money by the weekend end. I hate being lied too or taken advantage of .. If he could not sell the rest of the stuff I gave him then he should bring it back to me no big deal. I came up to a conclusion that one of a few thing has happen .. 1) he got thrown in jail for unknown reason ..2 ) He took my stuff and ran or what not and dont care about his suitcase of what I am guessing is cloths .. 3) He still working and cause he has no time on his phone he is not able to call me ...
I am not sure what to believe I don't wanna be believe the worst things but what am I to do I have been screwed over more time then I can count but yet I don't wanna be like everyone else and not help people cause I know not all people take advantage pf other who are helping them. But what should I do I am upset to the point my stomach hurts and I feel sick and it hard for me to concentrated on going thou my house to get more stuff I need to sell.. So now I don't just have to raise moving/car money I gotta raise 160 more buck to get my divorcee.. Thant need to be filed in less then two weeks so that it hopefully be granted and done. which means I can get my and my kids last name changed and get new social security cards in the right name .. sigh I wish at time I could be cold heart like everyone else then maybe I would not be taken advantage. well I think I am going to lay down to get my stomach calm then I have to get up and start going thou my closet I got a lot of money to make to get what I need .... Hope everyone has a better day then me ..CIAO
How is it that now a day when you truly do something out of the goodness of your heart cause someone was hurting they end up stabbing you in the back!!! I might of told you that a friend of mine I have known for at least 5 years. He can be what called a typical man at time but still I thought he was a good guy just had a bit of a ruff life. Well he came to my house late in the evening on the 8th needing a place to crash he didn't have a place to crash so I said sure why not if I was in the same boat I want someone to show me kindness. Well I had him sleeping in the play room and all thing seam to be okay and we hung out I let him use my prepaid cell phone so he could call his girl that he sent home in another state. Feed him cause I can't eat in front of people who doesn't have anything to eat. Then Monday came around and he was able to get his job back so he worked during the week it seam that thing was okay he was getting himself straight to be able to move back home to his girl. He was even helping me raise up the money to get my divorce finalized and on Friday he gave me 40 buck out of the 200 and told me he has to work the weekend and was staying at his boss house so they could go straight to the job site.. I am like okay i can understand that. He said be be back Sunday when work was done and also with the rest of the money form the stuff he sold for me.. Well Sunday night came and went Monday rolled around still he hasn't been back his suitcase is till here. So Monday night I called his girlfriend and ask if she had heard from him and of course she say she hasn't and was going to find out what she could by calling his cousin and old boss. Well it Tuesday now and thou it morning I still haven't heard from him or his girl now and I am beginning to get pissed off not for the fact he hasn't stayed here but for the fact he said he have the rest of my money by the weekend end. I hate being lied too or taken advantage of .. If he could not sell the rest of the stuff I gave him then he should bring it back to me no big deal. I came up to a conclusion that one of a few thing has happen .. 1) he got thrown in jail for unknown reason ..2 ) He took my stuff and ran or what not and dont care about his suitcase of what I am guessing is cloths .. 3) He still working and cause he has no time on his phone he is not able to call me ...
I am not sure what to believe I don't wanna be believe the worst things but what am I to do I have been screwed over more time then I can count but yet I don't wanna be like everyone else and not help people cause I know not all people take advantage pf other who are helping them. But what should I do I am upset to the point my stomach hurts and I feel sick and it hard for me to concentrated on going thou my house to get more stuff I need to sell.. So now I don't just have to raise moving/car money I gotta raise 160 more buck to get my divorcee.. Thant need to be filed in less then two weeks so that it hopefully be granted and done. which means I can get my and my kids last name changed and get new social security cards in the right name .. sigh I wish at time I could be cold heart like everyone else then maybe I would not be taken advantage. well I think I am going to lay down to get my stomach calm then I have to get up and start going thou my closet I got a lot of money to make to get what I need .... Hope everyone has a better day then me ..CIAO
Monday, March 19, 2012
it Monday again O.o
Well Monday has rolled around again I got only 6 more Monday left till the big move. I have spent the day making phone call to the doc and still waiting on one to call me back this evening when she done with her appointments. I got the sound on the T.v down low to the show of M.A.S.H a classic in my opinion. The kids are playing in the play room. Homework is done and dinner is finish. the dog are laying in the hallway and I am on here enjoying a soft breeze coming in the windows. I have submitted a new poem for a book. If I get it then that will make two poems published in a book and one on a web site thinking I am doing pretty good. And tomorrow I will try and go thou my closet uugghh am dreading it. It has at least 5 years of stuff stuffed in there Oo lol well I get it done and then it be off to do the rest of my room then the rest of the house so wish me luck guy cause I am soo going to need it my energy level has not been what it should be but i do got a strong will i get it done ... So with that i bid you ado and go spend some time with kids before bed :o)
Sunday, March 18, 2012
final count down begain
Well it been what some would call a good weekend even after a few minor set back the Kids and I seem to bounced back, But other then that the weather was great not to hot and not to cold with a soft breeze coming thou the house I have the windows open and the doors open and at night I still leave most the windows open. of course with two large dog roaming the house I pity the fool who try to even think of breaking in lol . Cause if my girl dog don't get them my boy dog who weigh over 130 and as of today have broken 10 heavy dog chain and 7 wire plastic coated dog leads and today was one of them i fixed it but unfortunate again be broke the clip part off the chain he straighten the chain link straight. So now i gotta find another wire hanger and wrap the clip to the chain last time took me almost a hour to fix the first break .. I swear I am going to have to go to the hardware store and buy a light weight car tow chain and heavy duty clips and pray my silly giant does not break it ... shaking my head ...well tomorrow is Monday and I am going to be busy busy between call I have to make and start going thou my closet and get more items ready for the yard sale next month .. lol maybe I can talk a friend into helping me lol it would get done faster. Well the count done is 48 days left yay can not wait it like a new adventure
well it getting late and i need to get the kiddo in bed for school tomorrow hope yo all have a great Monday :o)
well it getting late and i need to get the kiddo in bed for school tomorrow hope yo all have a great Monday :o)
Saturday, March 17, 2012
trying to hold it together for the kids sake
can i scream yet i knew that there be some hiccups in these plans to move but not like this the friend of my sister has just backed out of helping us and my sister husband cant take time off work other wise he would and we had changed the date from 6-1 to 5-1 and now even that up in the air and i may have to move by myself and I am scared cause that me traveling with 3 kids in a u haul truck and a 130 pound rotti am soo worried not sure what to do bless my sister she trying everything she can to figure something out but now my stomach hurting just at the thought of this trip and the idea of me doing this by myself
I do it if i have to but it be so much easier if i had help if u know what i mean .. heck cant u tell i am upset i havnt taken the time to write properly :o( well what ever happens happens one way or another i am leaving on the 5-1 with or without help and either nerves intacted or scrambled i just have to do as they say put on my Big Girl panties and get on with it lol .. hope the rest of u all have a good st patrick day and good weekend
I do it if i have to but it be so much easier if i had help if u know what i mean .. heck cant u tell i am upset i havnt taken the time to write properly :o( well what ever happens happens one way or another i am leaving on the 5-1 with or without help and either nerves intacted or scrambled i just have to do as they say put on my Big Girl panties and get on with it lol .. hope the rest of u all have a good st patrick day and good weekend
Friday, March 16, 2012
Dealing with the hands we are given!
Well
it another Friday and today the kids do not have school it almost 1 pm
and my babies are playing in the play room I am bored to a point in a bit ai ma going to start family time.It funny how life is I have been helping a
young man I know by letting him crash in one of my rooms he does not
have a place to live and I was his last resort. Good thing is he was
able to go back to him construction job. I can not charge him anything
to stay here I think it would be wrong.. I figure the good deed was
payment enough ask him when he does get on his own feet to help someone
else who needs it you like pay it forward. I figure if everyone just did
that help even just one person and that person in return help someone
else we would be a better world. I know most of you all know what pay it
forward heck the had a movie about where Helen Hunt was in it but the
basic Idea is If you help just 3 people and those 3 people helped 3
people each and so forth it would be like a huge triangle and alot of
people would be so much better off and alot would not end up homeless or
on welfare.. Now before any of you get upset by what I just said know I
think it okay if someone truly need welfare cause there has been a time
or two I myself was on it. It just those who don’t need it or have
abused it that i have a problem with.. Up till about 4 years ago I was
able to work and I worked hard sometime two or three jobs to take care
of my children. I will admit enjoy being able to be here more for my
kids thou i would love to be able to work if my health would allow me.
As it is after I get done on here I am going to have to lay down cause
with my sever nerve damage in my back will start spamming which is very
painful. But this is my life I struggle every day to make it as best as I
can and love my children with all my life.
Well i got some life changing news the children and I are moving
from Georgia back to Missouri. Where I grew up as a teenager. A friend
of mine from High school is going to help me move and we be sorta living
in a RV for the summer as I strive to save enough money up to get our
own place before school. You may ask why that I am moving to a place
where I have no home yet well it like this I am living ina house that
really should be torn down. The house it self is not the best and don’t
get me wrong I am grateful to have a roof over our head but this how has
made my children sick I have always been after the land lord to fix the
problem with the house and he has not the back part of the house has no
light in it all the wire to the lights are either split/cut or just
don’t work. The floor are caving in in spot and any day one wrong step
will send me or my kids thou the floor. The house is so drafty the
during the Winter I have to dress the kids very warm just to make sure
they are warm (they go to bed with hoodie on at night and have 5
blankets layered on their bed). The roof leaks in the back part of the
house. Then the hallway bathroom toilet leak sewage every time you flush
it and if you take a shower in the hallway bathroom the shower leak
water so the hallway floor is soak the it also leaks in to the back
bedroom to the point it now growing black mood and no matter what I do I
can’t seam to get rid of hit so we tend to stay out of that room so
None of us get sick. So now you know why I am wanting to move out of
here and I rather not stay in Georgia I rather be living in Missouri
plus my oldest daughter live in Missouri and I want to be more in her
life then just a phone call cause her dad won’t let me see her or visit
me . So I hope you can see why I like to move.. Well I have talk your
ears off and the kids are up so I need to go and make them breakfast I
hope everyone has a Good Friday and may all your dreams come true and
thanks to all who have or will vote for me Bless you all :o) ..
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