What will be will be but we shall face it with head held high!!

It has been a long 36 hours .My son has a lump under his right nipple and it the size of a nickel and it only on the right side. so after taking him to the doctor and her looking at him and we had blood work drawn and now we are waiting in limbo to find out what is going on. what i do know is that it maybe cause from one of his medicine he taking and with that you sit and have your mind wondering to all the bad thing and all the even worse thing and all the while trying to be brave and act as nothing is wrong for your child sake and it hard cause when they went to sleep i didn't break down i just sat down slump my shoulder and I prayed that what ever it is if it not thank you if it is that we as a family could get thou it.
 Then also today we started intensive therapy for my son to help work with him on what my ex husband did on the physical and mental abuse he did to us so we are now going twice a month on top of the in home therapy that come twice a week and the behavior doctor we see every two months. I would drive to the end of the world and back if it what it took to help my 11 year old son with his problems that he has no idea how to deal with. Which is another reason i refuse to date. My children and i have a few things we need to work though before i even think about dating anyone Wouldn't be fair to that person and i know as i hope my children know that not all men are like my ex husband but right now is just not the right time anyways
  So with that said i had a big shock happen my Father showed up along with my mother and my niece and nephew.So they could drop off the gift for my 18 year old and all but what bad thou is and maybe i am wrong but i feel they only came cause of feeling guilty not sure i had spoke to my grandmother and aunt and uncle at my cousin wedding Saturday i said i was done i was not begging NO ONE to be in my children nor my life. we are better off then being disappointed  but let me clarify I am not ungrateful that they came I really am just wish it was for the reason they want to be in my children life. Hell we been here in Missouri for two years and this is the first time they came to see me they are only a hour away. I did go see them when i first moved here and had a vehicle but when it died i couldn't go see them they never came to me. Heck my 11 year old didn't even recognized his own grandfather nor did my own niece and nephew know me which in a way it hurts a bit.
But oh well maybe in time who knows all i know is after only 2 hrs sleep in the past 36 hrs i am beyond emotional wiped out and physical drain but what i do know is I love my Children with all my heart and I will always be there for them no matter what they do or who they love for i am their parent always just as they are always be my babies ...
So as I end this if anyone that truly read this and you have children please hug them close tonight and often always tell them you love them and that you are proud of them and you always be there for them no matter what!! For tomorrow is never promised and you never know when time will be up and you not get to say what you mean or how you love them .. trust me i know very much and i never want anyone to feel that lost of a love one ever the regret is a hard thing to live with ... Night all Thanks for reading and Following this blog ......Angela

You cant help who you fall in love with love is love let it be

    Well I just got home from my cousins wedding and it was wonderful and what i am about to say just might offend some but honestly it a country where we are allow to feel what we feel and do what we feel is right and the Wedding I went too was one for my lesbian cousin and her wonderful now wife .. I was honor to be able to be invited to the wedding. Now i know there are those out there that feel the same sex marriage is wrong and against God. But honestly in my own opinion I feel that Who are we to say what God thinks and all. I feel that you cant help who you fall in love and when other bashed other for there choice in life then it the one who doing the bashing that is wrong. Ye with out sin cast the first stone and i know none of us is without sin. But i could rant and rave about how those who don't agree with me but honestly what good will it do . Nothing really just take up space on here but what i can do is not worry about what they say and all and keep believing in what i believe.
   So with that said back to the wonderful wedding it was really awesome heck cause soon as it was over there was a rainbow in the sky to which i took as a sign of acceptances..But what made the day was i got to see family member i haven't seen in a while and meet some i didn't know i had yet think i made some friends today so with all that said i even got told something i think am going to take to heart and use that advise my Uncle J. had said something in to which i followed with my "I am Sorry" he looked at me and said "Never say you are sorry for you are not a sorry person. You can apologize when you do wrong but never say your sorry for you are not a weak person and in saying sorry saying your a weak person a Summers are not weak we are strong people!" I knew i was strong for all the thing i have went thou but i sometime forget think to that I am strong i have made it thou hell and back so many time i cant even begin to count. I think i need to remember it more often for i tell other to say it to themselves but i forget to do it for me lol ain't it that how it always is you can help other but sometimes forget to tell yourself the same advice you give others
   Anyways i have to say over all it was a great day i got to see my sister for a short visit and then i got to go to a wonderful wedding and see family and even thou my bad leg is killing me i am happy. So with that said I wish all the one who are luck enough to have found love all the happiness in the world and never let other drag you down and more importantly don't let yourself drag you down either you are a strong person and you are loved by yourself and others .. Have a great night everyone ... Angela

It Official My son is 18 year old but i couldn't be Happier

Well it Official my oldest Son turn 18 today at 6 :29 pm! It has been a long day of planing baking cleaning and help a family member move but it was worth it. For those of you reading for the first time my boy all 3 of them are special need. My oldest is traumatic brain syndrome and my 11 yr old is blind and my youngest but oldest of the twin is Autistic. No I don't think they are a burden or that i wish i had normal children. Now some time for their sake i wish they was a little more so call normal cause of how cruel children can be but i love them for who they are and i wouldn't trade them for the world they and all my children make my life worth living i wake up each morning grateful for another day with them all. Now don't get me wrong some days are harder then others but over all i cherish each day i have with me.
But any who i am getting off the subject so today was my son 18th birthday it was a small even nothing major just my mother my uncle and his kids and my 4 out of 5 kids here. He wanted a simple BBQ and i knew i could give that to him since i love too BBQ on my grill. So we had Hamburger and Hot dogs Chips and Cake and Ice cream and he loved it all even love his present. Wish i could of done more but it the thought that count as i teach my children
So now the cleaning is done the children are showered and cloths for school are lay out and they are now in bed I am at the computer writing lol and my mother in her room o have the door open in my room to the outside as to help keep it cooled off since it hot and muggy but i am not complaining just now know for sure i need more fans for the downstairs since i have old fashion windows that don't open up i cant put a small AC unit down here but it okay there is perks top being in what most call the Basement all the heat rises to the top floor but i do know we need the landlord to bring back the other AC units for the top floor cause it like walking in to Hades up top so with those plan in place of to do I start thinking of the summertime and getting a screen door for my door and all the BBQ i can do and the make shift Hay-barrel pool i can make lol or going to the creek for the whole day and simple cant wait i know it be after summer school for the children but still now that i am mobile i like to plan some thing for the children and i and my mother to do this Summer instead of just staying at home you know and if you guys have any ideas on what to do leave me a message on her just note i have children that cant walk far or to long and cant be overly price and I live in Missouri the South West conner right by Oklahoma and Arkansas  . thank head of time hope you all have a good evening and remember that some time it take us to slow down and not only smell the roses but really look at them to appreciate the beauty in it and life .. Angela

it be almost 18 yrs since my oldest was born

  well another day has almost come to a end the children are getting ready for bed shower given and suck and even cloths for tomorrow are set out. but on my mind if the fact almost 18 years ago almost to the date and time my oldest son was born . It amazes me that he almost a grown man even thou we had try and errors we made it he is my little red head fireman lol and always will be my little man and as we embark on his first date with his girlfriend and his first prom and dance a lot of thing go though my mind like his first words and his first crawl and even his first walk all his first and thou it wasn't the same milestone as a normal child it still wonderful to me.
   you see my boys are all special needs not helpless or disabled just different that all what works for a normal child don't work for mind but it okay why cause they are my blessing not a burden i cherish every milestone we go thou all the first,second and so on and so on gut nonetheless the are wonderful milestones in our life. So as more to come of milestones and such i look forward to them all and i know my children will always be my babies no matter how old they get
  So as i close this if you have any children hug them love on them and make sure they not only know right and wrong and that for everything they do there is a reaction but most important is tell them you love them always and will be there for them always life is short and tomorrow not promised at all

Am Back finally

well folk it been a while since i was able to get on but i am here now and a lot has happen most important thing is i moved again but to a bigger place and i got a desk top computer so i am able to write which i will be working on my book The Past is the Past .. as i said a lot has happen my faith and trust in some people has been broken and in other it only gotten stronger . I have gotten to where i don't care for what other think of me i have let as i put it my demons out to play that i have tried hard to keep hidden but hell it was what put me back together sorta speak i am finally myself not what other want me to be but what i want to be and if that comes of as being a little mean or bitchy so be it but i am no longer going to hide the real me or be what other want me to be. plain and simple either u like me for me or u don't either way i am who i am and if ur not here to help me as far as being a better me then there the door get out the way so other who like and love me can come in .. But like i said it been crazy here i am still having health issue but am sure we are all in some way or another but i strive each day to try to do my best good or bad. the school year for my children is coming to a end soon in about a month and a half then there be a short break then summer school for them i don't want them sitting around all summer veggie out in front of the TV so between summer school and maybe planning a few trips now that i got a van which is the other big event in my life i got wheels finally after two year of being stranded lol and it big enough for all my kids which is great. the worst news i got is yesterday i had explored surgery and the doctor found some pulps and it possible it Cancer wont know for a few weeks but if it is i fight it with everything i got i beat Cancer twice already what one more time not going to let it get me down or stress beside my stomach one huge Ulcer anyways so i need not to stress myself out and need to change my diet a bit yucky on the diet change but must do what need to be done so i can be here for my children
Well anyways i better run i need to get started on my writing i want to get as much as i can done before i gotta stop get some house work done before the children get home from school hope you all have a great day and remember you are in charge of your life and if someone not helping you to grow then cut them off you be much happier then you think

Done!!!

 DONE!! 
Sitting alone thought running though my head 
Heart is breaking and only questions i can't answer is 
Why did you leave me?
What did i do so wrong for you to hate me?
Why did you promise to love me and leave?
They go around and around in my head 
As my heart is bleeding
My soul is cracking
I am falling deeper and deeper in despair
My once strong reason for holding head high
Is now gone i barely can lift my head
You won you finally broke me
The demons i had choose to hide from all
Has escaped and on the loose
Hell will be paid but unfortunately not in your blood but mine
I tried and tried to hide the real me
You thought you knew me you where deadly wrong
Sad it really is
I know i am not perfect really did try you see to be what you wanted me to be
But in the end i had lied to me and hide who i was all in the sake of love
Now that you left me broken and torn
The demons i was once ashamed of is the one putting me back together
All i can say is watch out world for i will no longer be the me you all knew
I am going to be the real me and if it offended anyone
To the Hell with you and you can see why it was the one that said they love me that made me this way!!!
I have no more so called love in me
I will be the heartless witch you all want me to be and see if i care no more
I am done dancing with the Devil i shall lead instead
I am done hiding my demons i will let them play
I am done being broken there is nothing left to be broken now
I have no heart and soul for it was ripped from me and i am heartless now
Uncaring
Unfeeling
Just done
Finished at last i am finally me!!!
©AHS-B-SAW-COMPANY-2014-©

Don't Know

Don't know!!
Don't know what is worse to love someone so unconditionally to point even thou your loyal to them they themselves r not even faithful in their love for you only when they need something from you .....
Or
To be in a crowd of strangers and be invisible or not seen for who ya truly are or in a crowd of so called family and friends and still feel invisible even thou they see ya but choices to ignore you as if ya was the plague.......

Or to feel both of those cause you yourself is one of a kind that kinda march to and dance to a different beat of drum and music .. the so called black sheep of the family while their is so not white themselves ...

This truly is the time the loneliest existence of a person self travels of new discovery and gaining a backbone should or could make a person break down to give in or give up

But to that i say NO WAY! not backing down, wont back up, move forward for in the end it be worth the journey for then not only you have a new you but the realization of truth and faithful loyal friends and love one yes at time it maybe lonely but in the end for true happiness it worth the pain

For the past is a past a lesson learn the present is just that a gift to learn some more and the future is where you shall be when you get there from all your lesson and mistakes..

A NEW IMPROVED YOU !!!!

©AHS-B-SAW-COMPANY-2014©

 — feeling Poetic justice of knowledge in the knowing that sometimes a word from a stranger change a LIFE of someone in despair for the greater GOOD!!