it be almost 18 yrs since my oldest was born

  well another day has almost come to a end the children are getting ready for bed shower given and suck and even cloths for tomorrow are set out. but on my mind if the fact almost 18 years ago almost to the date and time my oldest son was born . It amazes me that he almost a grown man even thou we had try and errors we made it he is my little red head fireman lol and always will be my little man and as we embark on his first date with his girlfriend and his first prom and dance a lot of thing go though my mind like his first words and his first crawl and even his first walk all his first and thou it wasn't the same milestone as a normal child it still wonderful to me.
   you see my boys are all special needs not helpless or disabled just different that all what works for a normal child don't work for mind but it okay why cause they are my blessing not a burden i cherish every milestone we go thou all the first,second and so on and so on gut nonetheless the are wonderful milestones in our life. So as more to come of milestones and such i look forward to them all and i know my children will always be my babies no matter how old they get
  So as i close this if you have any children hug them love on them and make sure they not only know right and wrong and that for everything they do there is a reaction but most important is tell them you love them always and will be there for them always life is short and tomorrow not promised at all

Am Back finally

well folk it been a while since i was able to get on but i am here now and a lot has happen most important thing is i moved again but to a bigger place and i got a desk top computer so i am able to write which i will be working on my book The Past is the Past .. as i said a lot has happen my faith and trust in some people has been broken and in other it only gotten stronger . I have gotten to where i don't care for what other think of me i have let as i put it my demons out to play that i have tried hard to keep hidden but hell it was what put me back together sorta speak i am finally myself not what other want me to be but what i want to be and if that comes of as being a little mean or bitchy so be it but i am no longer going to hide the real me or be what other want me to be. plain and simple either u like me for me or u don't either way i am who i am and if ur not here to help me as far as being a better me then there the door get out the way so other who like and love me can come in .. But like i said it been crazy here i am still having health issue but am sure we are all in some way or another but i strive each day to try to do my best good or bad. the school year for my children is coming to a end soon in about a month and a half then there be a short break then summer school for them i don't want them sitting around all summer veggie out in front of the TV so between summer school and maybe planning a few trips now that i got a van which is the other big event in my life i got wheels finally after two year of being stranded lol and it big enough for all my kids which is great. the worst news i got is yesterday i had explored surgery and the doctor found some pulps and it possible it Cancer wont know for a few weeks but if it is i fight it with everything i got i beat Cancer twice already what one more time not going to let it get me down or stress beside my stomach one huge Ulcer anyways so i need not to stress myself out and need to change my diet a bit yucky on the diet change but must do what need to be done so i can be here for my children
Well anyways i better run i need to get started on my writing i want to get as much as i can done before i gotta stop get some house work done before the children get home from school hope you all have a great day and remember you are in charge of your life and if someone not helping you to grow then cut them off you be much happier then you think

Done!!!

 DONE!! 
Sitting alone thought running though my head 
Heart is breaking and only questions i can't answer is 
Why did you leave me?
What did i do so wrong for you to hate me?
Why did you promise to love me and leave?
They go around and around in my head 
As my heart is bleeding
My soul is cracking
I am falling deeper and deeper in despair
My once strong reason for holding head high
Is now gone i barely can lift my head
You won you finally broke me
The demons i had choose to hide from all
Has escaped and on the loose
Hell will be paid but unfortunately not in your blood but mine
I tried and tried to hide the real me
You thought you knew me you where deadly wrong
Sad it really is
I know i am not perfect really did try you see to be what you wanted me to be
But in the end i had lied to me and hide who i was all in the sake of love
Now that you left me broken and torn
The demons i was once ashamed of is the one putting me back together
All i can say is watch out world for i will no longer be the me you all knew
I am going to be the real me and if it offended anyone
To the Hell with you and you can see why it was the one that said they love me that made me this way!!!
I have no more so called love in me
I will be the heartless witch you all want me to be and see if i care no more
I am done dancing with the Devil i shall lead instead
I am done hiding my demons i will let them play
I am done being broken there is nothing left to be broken now
I have no heart and soul for it was ripped from me and i am heartless now
Uncaring
Unfeeling
Just done
Finished at last i am finally me!!!
©AHS-B-SAW-COMPANY-2014-©

Don't Know

Don't know!!
Don't know what is worse to love someone so unconditionally to point even thou your loyal to them they themselves r not even faithful in their love for you only when they need something from you .....
Or
To be in a crowd of strangers and be invisible or not seen for who ya truly are or in a crowd of so called family and friends and still feel invisible even thou they see ya but choices to ignore you as if ya was the plague.......

Or to feel both of those cause you yourself is one of a kind that kinda march to and dance to a different beat of drum and music .. the so called black sheep of the family while their is so not white themselves ...

This truly is the time the loneliest existence of a person self travels of new discovery and gaining a backbone should or could make a person break down to give in or give up

But to that i say NO WAY! not backing down, wont back up, move forward for in the end it be worth the journey for then not only you have a new you but the realization of truth and faithful loyal friends and love one yes at time it maybe lonely but in the end for true happiness it worth the pain

For the past is a past a lesson learn the present is just that a gift to learn some more and the future is where you shall be when you get there from all your lesson and mistakes..

A NEW IMPROVED YOU !!!!

©AHS-B-SAW-COMPANY-2014©

 — feeling Poetic justice of knowledge in the knowing that sometimes a word from a stranger change a LIFE of someone in despair for the greater GOOD!!

Green,Pictures or To Be Loved as I love!!!!!

Well It Sunday and I am back Lost of Issue are on my mind but there a point when I feel speaking my mind on them can do more harm to my family then any good so I keep most of them to myself and move on to the one I know at this time is the Safest Which is Going Green and my taken Pictured. On the Going Green subject I have been looking into way to help my family and I cut the Cost of Food and Power Bill and there a few thing I came up with and As soon as I can I am going to get them started one main thing to help cut our food bill will be between Coupons and a Bulk Shopping is a Garden but unfortunately where i live at this time i can not grow one so i am hoping as soon as i can i be able to move to a new place with a four bedrooms and Plenty of land and space i need to grow the garden and also have a outside pet and of course I want the Cows one for milking and one for Eating then Chickens for the eggs and the meat. That will help a lot into cutting it down, Then there the Power bill Well Looking into Solar Panels and Wind Turbines to help cut the cost down. But as we all know I am a Single mother on a Fixed income so it will take me a bit to get this all started praying it won't be too late and as far as Pictured well I came into a Camera I trade for and so far it has brought out my passion for taking pictures lol all this week it seems i have taken pictures almost everyday my children are starting to get like MOM are we done yet lol but I can not help it I wanna be able to get those moment that sometime over time fades from your memories and oh help me when i get around Nature i am shooting pictures of anything I think someone will like But other then that I been writing more on my book these past few weeks hoping to soon get it done waiting on a friend who in the Business of writing to get back with me on what I have so far and she what she say on it Hoping she love it. I never realize how many ways you can go with a book I got like 5 different ways i can run with this and now it trying to find the right one that will Grab the audience attention and keep them coming back for more Honestly I do not know How Stephen King or Even Stephenie Myers did it. I just hope I can be as good as them to where even years later people will be reading them. Here to hoping i can do it and make my family proud of me, I Know I been a Black Sheep of the Family for so long not sure if I can ever do anything right by the family . Heck half the time it seam the Family only notice am here or alive or my children are around is if they need something or want to say what i am doing wrong or I get in their face which I hate doing. It just get so tired of trying to get my Family to love me unconditionally like they do the rest. I can not help it If i feel a Child at a certain age should not have a phone I didn't I work hard for what I have and I feel children should too on the thing they want not what they need and a cell phone is a want not a need. I am sorry if i feel my children should have structor and a Bed time whether not it Summer or School time. An so on and so on I take it back I am NOT SORRY. I believe in old Fashion ways and such on raising a child and Family Values . My children ARE NOT perfect there are time they forget manors and act up but for th most part being a child They listen to what I say they are Happy with the Choice I make for us and when it a time I include them on those Choice too like when we moved back Home to Missouri I ask their thought on it and We as a Family made this choice. Now at this Moment bedtime is my choice when they get older we decided together lol but it still up to me cause I am the Adult . So if my family can not see how Good I become then I guess it on them still will hurt But one can only hope and pray that someday they see the truth in the wash of things
  So I guess I end this cause I don't wanna say something I regret later but I will say this Mothers Love your Child for who they are not what they are Father be a real man and be there for your child Let them know they are loved no matter wether you with their mother or not. Brother and Sister Show your Sibling You love them and have their back you never know when you might truly need them and Most of all Folks Family sometimes is not about Blood It about WHO stood by you when you was down and help picked you back up and Said I love You and TRULY loved you Faults and all  .. And Lastly Never and I mean Never Judge a person by their Past they don't live their no more and Neither Should YOU..
So till next time I Bid you all ADO and farewell may you love one another as you want to be loved yourself .....Angela

Third part of the series of The Past is the Past for a Reason! Let it stay THERE!

Well I am back yet again it seams that the viewer are getting far and between but it ok I am not doing this for anyone but myself really. Could careless if no one reads these series of advents that has shape and modeled me into who I am.So once yet again this is where again I start off saying if you are faint of heart or unwilling to listen to the truth that Life is not always FAIR! Then I suggest you stop reading this.. I even dare say if you can not handle the knowledge that Shitty thing happen to Innocent people or in this case a Child Do Not Go Any Further also Please if you are under the age of Eighteen maybe even in some cases under Twenty-one step away from this Page. Now that I have said that we can Move on.

   The last place I left off was not in by any means that bad but yet it was not anything like in the first one but bad enough already to a fragile child mind who was already  been thou Hell and back. Well I left off where we are meeting the man who gave my Mother two whole Paycheck worth of money so she could come get my Bother and I for the first time. When we got off that bus in Charleston, South Carolina. There stood a man who was so skinny and had long reddish Auburn hair and Beard. I had never seen a guy with a Beard before it was weird but yet it was soft. My Bother right off the bat started call him Dad me I was a little apprehensive about it but I saw how it made my Mother happy so I went right along with it. Thing seem to be good for a bit. We meet the family for Dad side. It seamed at that time the Granddaddy and Grandma like us and maybe even loved us and we had more cousin to play with. I was the oldest so it was almost like getting to play house. Granddaddy and Grandma had a places in the middle of Hundred acres of woods and was right across the street from Middleton Plantation. It was like stepping back in History. Any ways the family always did advents where they celebrated everyone birthday with a Oyster roast or Easter with a huge roasted hog or Fourth of July with frog races and Fireworks. It was great we even got out first real taste of Deer meat but Dad said the only way we could watch Bambi while he and Granddaddy was hunting was if we would not cry when he brought back the deer crying you killed Bambi . I told him go shoot Bambi I am hungry lol.
  We ended up moving from Dalton street after some thing in the neighborhood went down. We had a neighbor who was found to have enough explosion to blow the whole neighborhood up then there was a time that Lady and Thor our Alaska Malamutes was poison as where a few other person dogs. It got to be a bad place to live so we moved from North Charleston to West Ashely in to Striation capers. Then Hurricane Hugo came thou the East coast. The worst one in a long time we was told by the Police to leave our home so we went to my Dad parents place which in hindsight was really not a good thing we was surround with tons of trees. When the Hurricane had hit we was stuck for over a week with no power and no way to get out of the place the tree was blocking the road. By the time we was able to leave the Grandparent place and go home. We where all ready and tired and wanted our own beds. But as soon as we got home the Brother and I along with our Neighbor kids decided to do a camp out in the back yard. Of course the parents was in the house with light and we children was around a firepit and was telling stories and what not. One of the few good memories i have of my childhood that i can remember. Those time where like it seam any other childhood most children had but mind wasn't what it seamed on the surface there was the time i went walking in our Neighborhood and was attacked by 20 or so dogs and I am not talking they scared me i am talking the literally chew me up and spit me out i was was covered from head to toe in bite marks and rips of flesh the guy who owned them sorta got them off me by kicking me and them yanked me to my feet and told me to go home if i hadn't been there in the first place i never would of gotten bit but the thing was i was on a public street walking minding my own self on my way to a friends house when the dog came at me from their yard It was Doberman pinscher and a few mix breeds not sure but they attacked me i walked back to my house crying with blood pouring out of me one of my parents riding buddies saw me try to get me to get in his car i refused. In hindsight i think back now and realize i was the poster child for the walking dead and looked like a bloody mess but i was not thinking about getting in with someone i didn't know. I just wanted to get home the next thing i remember was my mother and dad running towards me picking me they and i getting in the truck racing and speeding to the hospital we parked where the ambulances park and the  Major or Captain come out to tell us to park some where else and when my mother got out with me he saw the mess i was in he grab me running for the door caring not of his White uniform to take me in the black the most i remember of the ER was alot of pain alot of stitches and the darn Rabie shot i had to under go to make sure i wasn't infected they hurt so bad i screamed with it one of the 7 shots i got. Finally i got to go home cover in bandages and swollen face and body. My dad decided he was going to confront the man with the dog and when we got there he pulled the gun out started to shoot he was going to kill me the little whore and next he kill my dad my dad backed to the car to get me and my mother out of there got to the house called the Cops and of course by the time they got there the man had taken apart his gun putting it back together but to where it looked like it wouldn't fire and claimed i had provoked the dog luckily the Cops didn't see it that way and arrested the man on the account of possession of a fire arm and a few other thing and all the dogs was taken and put to sleep for fear of their nature of aggression.. as they say time heals all wounds but what they don't tell you is you will always carry a scare and i do both physically and Mentally not the physical has fade to where u cant see them much but the mental has not I am now as much as then afraid of those types of dogs and never will like them i don't care who you are you never get me near one as long as i live
  life went on and so did i by this time i was in 5th grade when my dad sign up for the war Dessert Storm they called it Bush Sr was in office and my dad felt it was his duty to serve and also provide us with a better life . So when he came home from signing up His long hair and beard gone my mother cried and told him he was ugly not really meaning it am sure but was sad cause she knew our lives was about to change and wasnt for sure if it was for the best. Later in life i realize it wasn't for the best but as life has it own rules the choices you make will lead you down a different way then what was once set out for you. So after a few months time and a bit of fooling around on my mother part we packed our life up said good bye to those we knew in SC and left for Virginia more to the point Norfolk Va alost the Capital of the Navy it seamed and Life there was so much different then i had ever realized. We went from a neighborhood where we could do what we want in our yards to our yard all look the same gras had to be no more then 3 inch high no toys allow in the yard cars are to be parked at a certain spot and so on and so on it was like we all had to be good little soldiers for the parent in the services. Something neither my mother nor my brother or i was prepared for. A Lot of fights happen between the parents and the parents and my brother and i. i think the worse of it was for my mother she wasn't prepared for the long months my dad would be gone between 6 to 9 months at a time. Life as we all had known it had changed and i was right at that time it didn't seam for the better only part that was we all had a permanent place to live as long as my dad stayed in the Navy........


Well Folks that the end of this Chapter and  tomorrow or so on will begin the next one  post or blog on that note all I can say if I have not scared you away stay tune and hold fast to your seat for when the next one comes out whether I do it tomorrow or the day after next more Adventure is sure to follow. But word of advise IF you like what you have read so far or would like to know where it ends up? I would if I was you subscribe to this link cause u never know what I may write next .. So I bid you ado for now and I will talk/write or type to you all later Love you all and thanks for supporting me on this ADVENTURER to my past and beyond <3 <3 :O)

what it for anyways the question on everyone mind

Hello everyone i am back for the weekly spot figure it be easier to do this once a week for sure and it seam Sunday is the day end of the week or the begain to some, but either way here the skinny on what the title says... 

What it for anyways the question on everyone mind????

and if it not on your you are a damn liar cause at one point in time we all thought of it. Me more often than not i have thought of it alot and i wonder why do we try why do we do the thing we do. What is the point in it all what do we get in the end a reward in said heaven or do we work our ass off for little only to die and leave more debt for our love one. Seriously what and why do we do this to ourselves or to others. Hmm maybe i better explain to you for those who read this or one that may come across this blog. 

I am 34 i have been what i thought was love but in the end was not it. I have children 5 of them 3 boys and 2 girls. I struggle everyday to make things better for my children but yet not allow them to be spoiled to the point they can not do thing themselves. I do not date for the fear of my children getting hurt the past ones i dated ended up not only hurting me but my children too and i refuse to allow that to happen by my hand by allowing another man in my life I rather i be alone then suffer or my children suffer either. Yes i know there are men out there that are not like my Ex's but let's be honest I am a single 34 year old mother I can not have any more children to give that said man and now a day what man would be willing to raise another man child when they themselves can not have one with that mother . That where i am at most guys will play house for a bit but when the tough get going they do so too.. So I figure why put myself or my children out there to be hurt in the end when they leave why feel as we can be a family when that what we wont be. I use to wish that the stories i read or the movies i watched would be my life some kind of fairy tail happy ever after but in the end my life is not a classic fairy tail nor a oscar movie where true love happen and everything wonderful happen. sadly my life is a mundane repeat of same old same old I get up in the morning i take care of my children i either clean or cook or do laundry or watch tv sometime i break it up with writing or reading hell right now i am playing BINGO games on my tablet like a old person. Why cause i have no social life what friends i have can run around or go out and party or better yet if they have children they let them do thing different then I would. 

 Hell as i write this Dirty Dancing playing on the screen and i am in a small part of way wishing i could be like that. Don't get me wrong I still dream in my dream and deep down in my Imagination that romance is still alive and one day my Knight in shining armor will come riding in and swept me off my feet but as life has shown me there is no Prince charming no sweeping me off my feet and there is no true love for me so i come to what the title says "What it for anyways?" Why Bother anymore I feel as I am destined to live alone like that one true soul mate is not out there for me Why is there so many romance novels or movies that fill our head with false truth about Love sometime i feel that there should be a story where there no happy ending and it based on real life romance of how who u thought was the one is not the one but just the frog you thought he was not the prince.. Maybe i am being cynical about life and love but I can only go by what i have been thou and what I see look at my mother and stepdad they was married for over 24 years and he went to war for the country and for our freedom as the government said when he came home he was not the same and he walked out of a 20 plus marriage for no real reason at least none that he can give us. I seen married friends who are soo unhappy that they fight all the time but yet wont get divorced or ones that are so lonely in their marriage they forget who they are and How can you ask me to believe that true love is real only true love i see is that i have for my children or a parent and their child maybe i am wrong but what else can i do but go with i know . then there life it self I see people who are good people struggle so hard and always end up right in the dirt yet there are the ones that lie and steal and they have everything what wrong with this picture can you tell me 

Did I ask to be beaten to a bloody pulp or my heart broken almost beyond repair? No i didnt of course some can say it was the choices i made but even then I didnt ask for it nor did the person who lost their job and now their house is taken too What happen to taken care of one another being a support system that people could really depend on.. America use to be one of the richest and most wonderful place to live now we are almost a sovereign state like other countries   Our children are not smart let alone self effentint they are overweight hell we are all overweight we have more homeless veterans and family then there ever been jobs are harder and harder to find now a day  and it boils down again WHAT IT FOR ANYWAYS 

you can call this a rant and rave call it what you will but at this point in time i wonder WHY WHY What The Point ANYMORE can someone answer me this ?????