Saturday, May 19, 2012
2nd section of The Past is the Past for a reason Let it stay There!
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Friday, May 18, 2012
The Past is the Past for a reason Let it stay there!!
Here the deal I feel the need to write this but do know it will take several post if you will to complete this and if you can not handle or want to know why I am the way I am then do not read this. Second this is according to my memory of what has happen or has been told to me and No One name that I have contact with shall be placed in here. What I write/type is in NO WAY to harm or put anyone down it is tho to HELP me move forward in MY LIFE for my children! Please enjoy if you choice to read this then THANKS for the support! Also this is in some case or part are very dramatic/traumatizing or disturbing for young children to read!! Please do not allow children to read this unless your prepared to answer some serious hard question again this is for adult only !!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!
The past few day are ok well almost the past week has been one of a journey to say the least . The Joy and disappointment of feelings as you have yet again may have failed your child.. Here the reason why I have felt these emotions the past week or even years..
OK it starts out like this I am a single mom most of you know that. What most of you do not know is what has happen in my life to lead me to where I am today into the women you most all know.. My life has not been one for fairy tails it more has been one for a Horror Book Life . To say my life was that I would never wished on anyone is a understatement . Hell there are time I wish I had never lived the life I have lived and it is true some of the choices I have made or not made has most with out a shadow of a doubt made my life to be what has transpire to be what has happen . I know it sounds like I am talking in riddles or a different languages but the truth of the matter is I am not talking in riddles . I am speaking in a way that if you could open your eyes you would see the underlying meaning of what I am about to type. But warning to the wise if you can not handle a story where the good guy do not win and life is unfair that it seam it could not even be real then It is my advise to close this page and go on with your life and feel as what you just read is that of a fiction and no more even tho it is not fiction it is real life events that has transpire and shaped me to be who I am in life today...So as I take you a journey back to when it seam that no one could do wrong as long as they was truly sorry of their mistakes and it was the end of the free love Hippie era . Back to 1978 of October 12th at 2:11 pm I was born to my Mother and Father. Father was a Navy man for a few years and my Mother who what some would call escaped a religious and strict family up bring to rebel against it all and married the first guy she has ever dated My father .. I was the honeymoon baby and tho those in my father side of the family thought I was was the reason my Father married my Mother cause she was knocked up but at last that was not the case . I am truly a nine Months after the wedding here I come bouncing baby girl of Strawberry Blond Hair and a greenish hazel eyes and dimples when she smiled.. Thing seam great the young couple was what appeared to be happy but what was not seen in the public was that Mother was suffering from what now is known Postpartum depression or Baby Blue. Now do not judge my Mother for having the BB depression it is now widely common for women to get them. but as I was saying this was the start of what has shaped me into being who I am..
Well thing have went on as life does in these and most case of life after three year after my birth my little Brother was born on my Mother 21st birthday. Thou I can not say whether I was happy or was upset to share the lime light with my Mother and Father I can not say but I can say now I love my Bother and would not trade him for the world and even thou today he really has nothing to do with me or my children. I still love him none the less. Well back to what I was saying my Bother was born three years after me in 1981 and at that time we was living in Chicago Ill . But what made my Father move us to Charleston Sc I can only guess was a transferal of post but away we went to Charleston Sc to Dalton street North Charleston Sc . This is where I have a lot of Memory lost and what has been told to me is my mind protecting me for a past the is more damaging then not remembering. I still say it be better if I could remember those year instead of feeling as my brain was made of Swiss cheese. You know alot of hole in my memory lol anyways. What I do remember is what has stuck thou out my whole life such as my Father moving out and in move a friend of my Mother and she had either two boys or three boys and one girl not totally sure on how may I just knew I was the oldest. Then came Kermit ( I am not sure if that was his name but that what I remember and to this day I am not fond of Kermit the Frog cause of it) who had some what move in and yet had his own place he also watched the other children and I while my Mother work if I remember correctly Two Jobs to take care of my Bother and I ..
Anyways as I was say Kermit was my Mother boyfriend ( here where to this day even thou I have some what I think gotten over this still make me sick to my stomach) it was years later when I was adult and talking to my Mother of my past which she does not like to do every often. She is the kind of person who like to not think of the past Horror and feel it better off left alone. Where I am the type who want to understand why everything that happen why it has happen if you understand my meaning. My Mother told me how Kermit came to be in our life (and Father I still Love u and do not judge you just so you know) that My father wanted what is called a Open relationship and for those of you that do not know what entitles a open relationship it is where the couple married or not agree to have as many as one to more different partner in that said relationship. some have rules and some do not but from personal experiences it not a good idea it is a deal breaker and can and almost distort a relationship almost 95% of the time and yes there are those who can make it work but that for another story not mine. As I was saying sorry I will time from time wonder off the subject kinda like now. Father want a open relationship and Mother was not sure with Father being Mother real first relationship I am guessing she was game and tho I do not know all the tiny details what I do know there was a fight between my Father and Mother and my Father threw My Mother (sorta speak whether literally or figuratively I do not know only my Parent know and nor do I care it is what it is) to Kermit and hence how Kermit came to play in my life.
Now this next part of my Life is some what very tragic for a child to go thou and now there are more children going tho what I am to speak then there are back in my younger days I was in Second grade which places me at the age of Seven or Eight. With my Mother working the Jobs she had to do to pay the bills or what not along with the other female roommate my Mother had. Kermit sorta became our babysitter... From HELL .. Why you may ask! Kermit Molested me sexually and I should add mentally too for the longest time as a child even up to being a teenager could not really look or trust men again it was not till I was nearly sixteen before I started to trust men/boys in general and I was my Cousin and youngest Uncle who was only seven years older then me help me trust men again.Then it was not till I was nearly in my twenty's before I could have sexual relationship with man without Flash backs and it was a wonderful and caring ex boyfriend that help me with that!But anyway back to what I was saying.. He would do stuff to me after my Mother went to work or come in my room when I was a sleep he even got brave enough to try to do stuff to me when my Mother was there. Even forcing me to suck on his manhood telling me it would taste like Chocolate pudding (well Folk it does not and for the longest time the thought of that would make me cry,get sick or even worse go in to day terrors or have terrible flash backs) I know now that I can joke about it to a degree as far as it tasting like what he said it would but was not but it is also a deference or a ploy to not feel too deep the past scar that he has caused me. There was time I would make the excuse I had to go to the bathroom just so I could climb out the window and drop/jump down four to five feet to run and hide behind our two story garage we had that had a hole in the wall. So he could not touch me or make me to do thing that was not right. Even at that age I knew it was wrong and I could not understand why it was happening to me. For how long it went on I can not say once again my memory is not the best on certain thing when it come to this event. But when I did tell someone the certain images come to my mind not the words just snap shoots of that time like. Kermit came to my room wanting to do stuff and I said NO my Mother would be home any minutes.. So I ran out of my dark room not caring how much noise I made and ran to the bathroom where I thought was my Mother and it was not till I was adult having the conversation of that tragic day. That I was told it was not my Mother in the bathroom but my Mother friend. All I can remember is coming in the bathroom sitting on the edge of the tub watching the women (who at that time I thought was my Mother but was not) putting on Blue eyeshadow(which to this day I do not like wearing Blue eyeshadow). Then having the picture of a girl private area in my mind and next thing I remember is watching the eyeshadow falling and hitting the edge of the sink. Then there was screaming lots of screaming from my Mother and my Father. From my Mother Friend to Kermit yelling calling me a liar and he would get me to the Cops shouting. My Father was a wreck I do not think words alone could even begin to describe the emotional trauma my Father or my Mother felt that day......
Then my world goes Black nothing beyond the words of threat I heard from Kermit are in my head.. I have been told I cried alot. Look at me I would cry. I know I was taken to see someone to talk about it but I hated it. I felt I could not talk I talked the last time and I hurt my Father and my Mother so why bother.. I remember being locked in a room with could have been a nice Lady who worked on the type writer. She tried to give me treats and such but all I would do was cry and try to climb the wall to get out and find my Mother to shout and screaming "I want my Mother!". I thought I was going to loose her cause I finally told someone about what happen to me with Kermit. In reality it was the court house and my Mother was facing a Judge who wanted to take Me and my Bother away from her and my Father and Department of Family Services wanted to Place KERMIT BACK IN THE HOME WITH HIM GETTING JUST SOME HELP!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!! Of course I did not find that last part out till once again in that adult conversation I had with my Mother. To say I was shocked is beyond words. ................
Well I have decided to end today post or blog on that note all I can say if I have not scared you away stay tune and hold fast to your seat when the next one comes out whether I do it tomorrow or the day after next But word of advise IF you like what you have read so far or would like to know where it ends up? I would if I was you subscribe to this link cause u never know what I may write next .. So I bid you ado for now and I will talk/write or type to you all later Love you all and thanks for supporting me on this ADVENTURER to my past and beyond <3 <3 :O)
The past few day are ok well almost the past week has been one of a journey to say the least . The Joy and disappointment of feelings as you have yet again may have failed your child.. Here the reason why I have felt these emotions the past week or even years..
OK it starts out like this I am a single mom most of you know that. What most of you do not know is what has happen in my life to lead me to where I am today into the women you most all know.. My life has not been one for fairy tails it more has been one for a Horror Book Life . To say my life was that I would never wished on anyone is a understatement . Hell there are time I wish I had never lived the life I have lived and it is true some of the choices I have made or not made has most with out a shadow of a doubt made my life to be what has transpire to be what has happen . I know it sounds like I am talking in riddles or a different languages but the truth of the matter is I am not talking in riddles . I am speaking in a way that if you could open your eyes you would see the underlying meaning of what I am about to type. But warning to the wise if you can not handle a story where the good guy do not win and life is unfair that it seam it could not even be real then It is my advise to close this page and go on with your life and feel as what you just read is that of a fiction and no more even tho it is not fiction it is real life events that has transpire and shaped me to be who I am in life today...So as I take you a journey back to when it seam that no one could do wrong as long as they was truly sorry of their mistakes and it was the end of the free love Hippie era . Back to 1978 of October 12th at 2:11 pm I was born to my Mother and Father. Father was a Navy man for a few years and my Mother who what some would call escaped a religious and strict family up bring to rebel against it all and married the first guy she has ever dated My father .. I was the honeymoon baby and tho those in my father side of the family thought I was was the reason my Father married my Mother cause she was knocked up but at last that was not the case . I am truly a nine Months after the wedding here I come bouncing baby girl of Strawberry Blond Hair and a greenish hazel eyes and dimples when she smiled.. Thing seam great the young couple was what appeared to be happy but what was not seen in the public was that Mother was suffering from what now is known Postpartum depression or Baby Blue. Now do not judge my Mother for having the BB depression it is now widely common for women to get them. but as I was saying this was the start of what has shaped me into being who I am..
Well thing have went on as life does in these and most case of life after three year after my birth my little Brother was born on my Mother 21st birthday. Thou I can not say whether I was happy or was upset to share the lime light with my Mother and Father I can not say but I can say now I love my Bother and would not trade him for the world and even thou today he really has nothing to do with me or my children. I still love him none the less. Well back to what I was saying my Bother was born three years after me in 1981 and at that time we was living in Chicago Ill . But what made my Father move us to Charleston Sc I can only guess was a transferal of post but away we went to Charleston Sc to Dalton street North Charleston Sc . This is where I have a lot of Memory lost and what has been told to me is my mind protecting me for a past the is more damaging then not remembering. I still say it be better if I could remember those year instead of feeling as my brain was made of Swiss cheese. You know alot of hole in my memory lol anyways. What I do remember is what has stuck thou out my whole life such as my Father moving out and in move a friend of my Mother and she had either two boys or three boys and one girl not totally sure on how may I just knew I was the oldest. Then came Kermit ( I am not sure if that was his name but that what I remember and to this day I am not fond of Kermit the Frog cause of it) who had some what move in and yet had his own place he also watched the other children and I while my Mother work if I remember correctly Two Jobs to take care of my Bother and I ..
Anyways as I was say Kermit was my Mother boyfriend ( here where to this day even thou I have some what I think gotten over this still make me sick to my stomach) it was years later when I was adult and talking to my Mother of my past which she does not like to do every often. She is the kind of person who like to not think of the past Horror and feel it better off left alone. Where I am the type who want to understand why everything that happen why it has happen if you understand my meaning. My Mother told me how Kermit came to be in our life (and Father I still Love u and do not judge you just so you know) that My father wanted what is called a Open relationship and for those of you that do not know what entitles a open relationship it is where the couple married or not agree to have as many as one to more different partner in that said relationship. some have rules and some do not but from personal experiences it not a good idea it is a deal breaker and can and almost distort a relationship almost 95% of the time and yes there are those who can make it work but that for another story not mine. As I was saying sorry I will time from time wonder off the subject kinda like now. Father want a open relationship and Mother was not sure with Father being Mother real first relationship I am guessing she was game and tho I do not know all the tiny details what I do know there was a fight between my Father and Mother and my Father threw My Mother (sorta speak whether literally or figuratively I do not know only my Parent know and nor do I care it is what it is) to Kermit and hence how Kermit came to play in my life.
Now this next part of my Life is some what very tragic for a child to go thou and now there are more children going tho what I am to speak then there are back in my younger days I was in Second grade which places me at the age of Seven or Eight. With my Mother working the Jobs she had to do to pay the bills or what not along with the other female roommate my Mother had. Kermit sorta became our babysitter... From HELL .. Why you may ask! Kermit Molested me sexually and I should add mentally too for the longest time as a child even up to being a teenager could not really look or trust men again it was not till I was nearly sixteen before I started to trust men/boys in general and I was my Cousin and youngest Uncle who was only seven years older then me help me trust men again.Then it was not till I was nearly in my twenty's before I could have sexual relationship with man without Flash backs and it was a wonderful and caring ex boyfriend that help me with that!But anyway back to what I was saying.. He would do stuff to me after my Mother went to work or come in my room when I was a sleep he even got brave enough to try to do stuff to me when my Mother was there. Even forcing me to suck on his manhood telling me it would taste like Chocolate pudding (well Folk it does not and for the longest time the thought of that would make me cry,get sick or even worse go in to day terrors or have terrible flash backs) I know now that I can joke about it to a degree as far as it tasting like what he said it would but was not but it is also a deference or a ploy to not feel too deep the past scar that he has caused me. There was time I would make the excuse I had to go to the bathroom just so I could climb out the window and drop/jump down four to five feet to run and hide behind our two story garage we had that had a hole in the wall. So he could not touch me or make me to do thing that was not right. Even at that age I knew it was wrong and I could not understand why it was happening to me. For how long it went on I can not say once again my memory is not the best on certain thing when it come to this event. But when I did tell someone the certain images come to my mind not the words just snap shoots of that time like. Kermit came to my room wanting to do stuff and I said NO my Mother would be home any minutes.. So I ran out of my dark room not caring how much noise I made and ran to the bathroom where I thought was my Mother and it was not till I was adult having the conversation of that tragic day. That I was told it was not my Mother in the bathroom but my Mother friend. All I can remember is coming in the bathroom sitting on the edge of the tub watching the women (who at that time I thought was my Mother but was not) putting on Blue eyeshadow(which to this day I do not like wearing Blue eyeshadow). Then having the picture of a girl private area in my mind and next thing I remember is watching the eyeshadow falling and hitting the edge of the sink. Then there was screaming lots of screaming from my Mother and my Father. From my Mother Friend to Kermit yelling calling me a liar and he would get me to the Cops shouting. My Father was a wreck I do not think words alone could even begin to describe the emotional trauma my Father or my Mother felt that day......
Then my world goes Black nothing beyond the words of threat I heard from Kermit are in my head.. I have been told I cried alot. Look at me I would cry. I know I was taken to see someone to talk about it but I hated it. I felt I could not talk I talked the last time and I hurt my Father and my Mother so why bother.. I remember being locked in a room with could have been a nice Lady who worked on the type writer. She tried to give me treats and such but all I would do was cry and try to climb the wall to get out and find my Mother to shout and screaming "I want my Mother!". I thought I was going to loose her cause I finally told someone about what happen to me with Kermit. In reality it was the court house and my Mother was facing a Judge who wanted to take Me and my Bother away from her and my Father and Department of Family Services wanted to Place KERMIT BACK IN THE HOME WITH HIM GETTING JUST SOME HELP!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!! Of course I did not find that last part out till once again in that adult conversation I had with my Mother. To say I was shocked is beyond words. ................
Well I have decided to end today post or blog on that note all I can say if I have not scared you away stay tune and hold fast to your seat when the next one comes out whether I do it tomorrow or the day after next But word of advise IF you like what you have read so far or would like to know where it ends up? I would if I was you subscribe to this link cause u never know what I may write next .. So I bid you ado for now and I will talk/write or type to you all later Love you all and thanks for supporting me on this ADVENTURER to my past and beyond <3 <3 :O)
Forgiveness is the key to Happiness of Life
My one of my many sister had said something to me that struck accord in
my heart and it went something like this .. It started off on a poem i
wrote about what "SOME SAY" and she agreed but raised a point "I agree
with this but bad thing is when you still pay for the mistakes years
later makes you want to scream and say enough" so this is my reply to
her and to the rest who feel the same way and may
these words i am about to type to u help you to have a better
understanding of life it self and do note i am not perfect nor do i
claim to be perfect i am with with Faults just like everyone else i cuss
to much, I love to hard or passionately, I get hurt easily and most
importantly i make mistake but i do my very best to learn from them all
.. so with that said this is my rely to what she said and i truly do
hope it help someone today see thing just a little clear then before (ps
sorry this is a long status and forgive me for misspelled word Spell
check like to not work all the time for me lol )...
....that when girl u stand up and say enough is enough i made the mistake i learn form it and it is now time to move on and just like that move on and learn to forgive other. it not for them but for u it take the power they have over u away and let u have ur own control over ur own self and help the healing process .. trust me i was the world biggest angriest person in the world. i hate all who have hurt me and what i had thought destroy my life and made it to be what it was back then. but i have learn fast and hard that to hang on to that angry and the self pity and the attitude it does not help you in life it only harms you. so when i have learn to say" I FORGIVE YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE TO ME" .. it released the build up of angry, the hurt, the depression, the why is me pity party and i started to heal from the inside out!! they no longer had control over ME or my LIFE .. and just cause u forgive does not mean to forget. but it mean to forgive them and then move on with ur life. for it is ur life that u have allowed to stop moving forward by having hate, angry or mistrust or what ever the reason is. it is u that is standing still they have move on and do not give it a second thought.. why should you!! and if it seam I am preaching then let it be cause what i am telling you is words of wisdom of someone who once had a heart of cold angry and hate is now replaced with love and joy for my life .. and yes i get knocked down but i get right back up and laugh at what ever knocked me down and there are times I am only human after all i to some time fall right back in that pit of disrepair but as soon as i can i find my way right back out and do not look back .. Life has been said many time and many way that.. life is a climb or that life is a ride but the most important thing you need to remember is LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT ! you can enjoy what life bring and make the best out of everything or u can stay unhappy and miserable the rest of your life but for me and my children. we are going to take life as it is and make the best out of it and when we get knocked down. we get up and laugh at what knocked us down for the main lesson I teach my children is Money is not what make you happy it is family and the love you have as a family, and family is not just by blood but by the love you have for one another and with that we are far richer then any other rich person in the world and we will be so as long as we keep our family and love in our heart .. So remember this as i come to the end of my little speech lol life is what you make it. if you can learn to FORGIVE other and move on take it as it flow get knocked down but get up again .you will go far in life as far as you are willing to go .. I am not perfect never claim I am but i do know a little secret to the enjoyment or success of life or mystery of life and it is LOVE, FORGIVENESS,WITH A LITTLE LAUGHTER.. those three thing could end world hungry, bring a end to war or even make the world a better place it up to u to do ur part and embraces life as it is ..love to you all ♥
©2012-BSAW-AHSW-ALL-RIGHT-RESE
....that when girl u stand up and say enough is enough i made the mistake i learn form it and it is now time to move on and just like that move on and learn to forgive other. it not for them but for u it take the power they have over u away and let u have ur own control over ur own self and help the healing process .. trust me i was the world biggest angriest person in the world. i hate all who have hurt me and what i had thought destroy my life and made it to be what it was back then. but i have learn fast and hard that to hang on to that angry and the self pity and the attitude it does not help you in life it only harms you. so when i have learn to say" I FORGIVE YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE TO ME" .. it released the build up of angry, the hurt, the depression, the why is me pity party and i started to heal from the inside out!! they no longer had control over ME or my LIFE .. and just cause u forgive does not mean to forget. but it mean to forgive them and then move on with ur life. for it is ur life that u have allowed to stop moving forward by having hate, angry or mistrust or what ever the reason is. it is u that is standing still they have move on and do not give it a second thought.. why should you!! and if it seam I am preaching then let it be cause what i am telling you is words of wisdom of someone who once had a heart of cold angry and hate is now replaced with love and joy for my life .. and yes i get knocked down but i get right back up and laugh at what ever knocked me down and there are times I am only human after all i to some time fall right back in that pit of disrepair but as soon as i can i find my way right back out and do not look back .. Life has been said many time and many way that.. life is a climb or that life is a ride but the most important thing you need to remember is LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT ! you can enjoy what life bring and make the best out of everything or u can stay unhappy and miserable the rest of your life but for me and my children. we are going to take life as it is and make the best out of it and when we get knocked down. we get up and laugh at what knocked us down for the main lesson I teach my children is Money is not what make you happy it is family and the love you have as a family, and family is not just by blood but by the love you have for one another and with that we are far richer then any other rich person in the world and we will be so as long as we keep our family and love in our heart .. So remember this as i come to the end of my little speech lol life is what you make it. if you can learn to FORGIVE other and move on take it as it flow get knocked down but get up again .you will go far in life as far as you are willing to go .. I am not perfect never claim I am but i do know a little secret to the enjoyment or success of life or mystery of life and it is LOVE, FORGIVENESS,WITH A LITTLE LAUGHTER.. those three thing could end world hungry, bring a end to war or even make the world a better place it up to u to do ur part and embraces life as it is ..love to you all ♥
©2012-BSAW-AHSW-ALL-RIGHT-RESE
Some Say
some say i am off my rocker
some say i am to uncontrollable
some say i never mount to nothing
some say i never be good enough
some say i am not a good mom
some can not just let go of my PAST mistakes
some say i am worthless
some say i am nothing
some say, some say, some say, but here what I say to what they say
yes i am off my rocker rather be that way then a stuffy bore
yes i am uncontrollable but at least i know how to be me
yes i will mount to something and even more
Yes I am good enough maybe just a little to good for YOU
hell yes I am a good MOM just ask my children
for those who can not let go of what I have done in the past it your problem not mine I have moved on why don't you!
Yes I am Worth something
and Yes I am more then nothing I am me and I love to be Me so leave me be
for those who think they know me,
think they can control me,
for those who think to put me down and judge me,
think twice before you do so
for those with out sin can only do so and since there is no one with out sin and you have not walk in my path of life do not say what i have choice to do and not do is wrong ..
Mistakes are what make and shape us to be who we are !!
so when the naysayers start to do the whole some say bit remember this of what i have told you and let them bring some one else down cause you wont be around to let them help bring you down........
©2012-BSAW-AHSW-ALL-RIGHT-RESE
some say i am to uncontrollable
some say i never mount to nothing
some say i never be good enough
some say i am not a good mom
some can not just let go of my PAST mistakes
some say i am worthless
some say i am nothing
some say, some say, some say, but here what I say to what they say
yes i am off my rocker rather be that way then a stuffy bore
yes i am uncontrollable but at least i know how to be me
yes i will mount to something and even more
Yes I am good enough maybe just a little to good for YOU
hell yes I am a good MOM just ask my children
for those who can not let go of what I have done in the past it your problem not mine I have moved on why don't you!
Yes I am Worth something
and Yes I am more then nothing I am me and I love to be Me so leave me be
for those who think they know me,
think they can control me,
for those who think to put me down and judge me,
think twice before you do so
for those with out sin can only do so and since there is no one with out sin and you have not walk in my path of life do not say what i have choice to do and not do is wrong ..
Mistakes are what make and shape us to be who we are !!
so when the naysayers start to do the whole some say bit remember this of what i have told you and let them bring some one else down cause you wont be around to let them help bring you down........
©2012-BSAW-AHSW-ALL-RIGHT-RESE
Monday, May 7, 2012
I am back and happier then ever I am Home finally
Well folk it has been a while since i have written and for that I am truly sorry but thing had to be done pack and such what not but a lot of stuff has happen since i last wrote in here the major new is i have moved out of Georgia and is now back home in Missouri which for that i am totally grateful for new i have found out info on my Mr X and well let say u will be surprise but that getting ahead of my self on that one . So any ways back to the move that has transpire to change my and my children Whole life ......
I was miserable in Georgia with no family and really not a lot of friends (those who was where always busy which is understandable but the rest was just not ever there for me ) and for a while i had been talking about wanting to move home . My friend J and I talk about it (just so you know J and i have been best friends in High School so I have known her for over 18 plus years always was there for me always had my back just as I had her's ) and well in stead of waiting for my Disability to come in the Kids and I would move now cause at that time there was no telling when I get to court and all .. So as we plan everything out to the letter had it worked out that J and a friend T was going to drive up to Georgia and get the kids and I help us move the stuff in the U-Haul and we all drive back to the great state of Missouri . Well as time went we had to move the date up a month earlier then plan then it got to be the house never sold so J couldn't drive up so I took it a pond my self to do the moving and the driving with 3 small children in the U-haul with me .. OMG what a pain in the butt that was first my mom came down and help me go to get the U-haul then tried to help me and the kids pack it which what should of only took a few hours at the most end up taking a lot longer and we didn't even pack all the stuff .. I left behind all my dresser, my bed, my daughter bed and even some dishes and appliances cause i was struggling to move the heavier items. Hell i even had the dolly fall on me loaded down with heavy boxes had to get help to get it off of me. I ended up cover in bruise of all shapes and sizes i swear even my inside was bruised up from that fall. We had started loading the U-haul up about or around noon and it was not even till almost 6 before we was done loading the U-haul and my mother truck up by that time i was hurting so bad that standing was feeling like i was walking on broken glass, my back and arms felt has they had been pulled from my body by such forces that was not humanly possible. I had drank more water that day then i think i have ever in my life but yet it was not even enough i has sweated out more then i was able to put in. I swear to you i really think i lost at least 5 to 10 pounds that day moving .. Even thou we had the truck load and mom was on her was back to South Carolina I was still there in Georgia for one more night and no way was i going to spend it at that house with no Air. The kids and I was to over heated from moving stuff I figured a night in a nice but cheap hotel would be a good thing. Little did i know that my day that was turning worse for the wear.
We had decided to stay at Super 8 Hotel due to the way the Hotel was located on the road and with me driving a big freaking truck i figured it was easier to then trying to cross traffic but i was also told it would be cheap well it was not but the lady there was so sweet and nice she gave us the room at a cheaper rate then what was normal and then when we got in to the room the air was not working. She even went and found a new room and even had the air on for us and let us know and even gave the kids some snacks for the road trip.. Well it took me a bit but i got the kids feed and settle down to sleep of course by that time it was almost 10 pm at night which was way past their normal bedtime . I had tried to eat even thou I knew i need to i was just not that hungry. I made the phone call i had to make then i try to settle down. Around 3 am i woke up feeling as i was going to die and get sick to my stomach of course i did i spent the next few hour of 3 am till 7 am leaning over the bed with my head in a trash can praying that i would stop throwing up no such luck for me..So as the time to get up i was feeling like the living dead but i knew that i had to get moving we had what i thought at that time a 12 and half hour drive which the way my luck was going turn out to be longer way longer. Of course i had to drop mom tag off for her van at the DMV which in turn told me mom had to be there to sign for it or i could mail it inn with no signing for it was a was of a hour of my time so by the time we got on the road it was nearly 9 am and of course as i just gotten the hwy to start out trip the kids inform me they had to pee. So not even 10 mins in the trip we are pulling over to get off on a exited to go to the gas station to let them pee and i went a head and filled up my huge mug full of water and crushed ice so that i have something to drink then we got back on the road. Things seam to being good we traveled toward Atlanta made it there by 11am and got thou the turns and what nos to be on the right road heading Alabama which was not that bad of a trip i pointed out to the kids as we past each milestone like when we change time zone and went from being 12:03 to being 11:03 which the kids thought was a hoot. to when we crossed the state line from state to state or even town that was major one we was looking for all seem to be okay eve when i filled up at the Alabama State line and only paid 3.59 for gas and it only cost total of 83 buck but that when thing took a turn for the worse and almost scary was after i had gotten gas for the truck i had also bought some No-Doze and a shot of energy drink which was to help me stay awake cause the road was making me sleepy while driving and we had not even been on the road but for a few hours so here ai am downing two No-Doze and drink a large thing of Dr Pepper my nerves are starting to jump a bit around and did ok till we almost got to Birmingham, Alabama and had to stop to get something to eat then it had been almost 1 pm . so we pulled over at a taco bell to have lunch the kids had their kids me and I for the first time tried a Doritos Loco taco which i have to say are AMAZING!!!! lol and we rested for a few mins till my legs was calm down and not jumping all over the place then got back on the road worked our way to Missouri at this time it was already after 2 pm almost 3pm and we was only half way there or at least i thought i was. Hours flew by and we had cross in to Mississippi and then as i was looking for a exited that had a gas station I could stop at a highway cop turn his light one scaring the HELL out of me to the point my face was all tingling like i was hyperventilating or having a heart attack but all he wanted was to get by me so he could speed thou i was so close to tears ... For those who don't know me know I hate COPS of any kind had to many bad experiences with them i do not trust them it took me till we got to the Pilot gas station to start to calm down enough that my heart did not hurt like hell in my chest in New Albany, Mississippi . Of course it did not help that i was jacked up on No-Dozed two doses which i found out make you very jumpy lol . and waiting in line to get gas was not a strong suit of mine lol .. But of course i had no choice i had run the truck almost out of gas and was not taking a chance i ran out all the way it took me nearly 100.00 to fill it up and that price was at 3.53 a gallon i can only imitation what it really been if i had to pay a higher price and to boot the stupid card of mine would not go thou as credit but only as debt and i did not think of it at that time that it cause problems for me all i can say is thanks goodness i had cash on me but i explain later i am once again getting a head of my self .. So here it is already after 6 pm and we are still in Mississippi and still had a way to go and we still had at least another 50 miles to Memphis Tn .. So as we travel the last mile to Memphis thinking we are almost home the winds start to pick up i am talking i had trouble staying straight on the road. It was blowing me everywhere and i was white knuckling the steering wheel afraid i was going to loose control of the truck and flip the truck of course as we get in and cross the state line of Tennessee and up on Memphis I get lost in Memphis and end up in the south side which is not a good area to be at if your lost and in a U-haul and have now clue where to go so i pull out the cell phone look up the nearest gas station and stop to ask for direction to get to the hwy i need only to find out i am across where i need to go (shake my head lol ) so i climb back in the truck slam down the other energy drink shot which yucky it tasted gross lol and take off again we finally made it back on track and made it to the bridge of the Mississippi River that crossed into Arkansas thinking that we only had 2 or 3 more hours cause according to the map we only had the tip of Arkansas to get thou. Boy was i wrong even tho we had stop at the gas station to get dinner I called J and my daughter to let them know where i was . We took a bit to get back on the road but we did after the kids had eaten and went to the bathroom. Off we went down the long dark road by this time it was almost after 8pm and thinking just a few more hours and i be there and we can get of of this stupid truck but Boy was I wrong more then ever i already knew i was going to have to fill up again soon in gas which make it the third time i had to fill up :( was not happy about that but what could i do so we traveled thou the night in Arkansas . The wind was blowing the night was dark and not another car on the road which was okay but yet at the same time it was creepy and to boot there was no light but my own on the road. So as i drive the road get smaller and turns to a 2 lane road which i hate and of course i hate driving at night expelly when i do not know where i am going . We stop like 2 times to find out where we are at and to see if we are on the right road the last time we stop it was at a McDonald and I ask the Cop (remember I hate cops and already had the daylight scared out of me earlier) and he looking like I am from Mars or something and he like Ma'am it is that way to the State line about 17 mile . So I thank him and took off and head the way he told ad of course it never fails the road was curvy and hill and could only go 45 mile a hour which sucked when u have got a semi truck on ur butt and he can not pass u .. So as the mile pass we finally cross the Missouri state line and stop at the truck stop to get gas and call J to let her know we are in Missouri and at this time it is almost 12 am only to find out we still had two more more to go and i could not use my debt card there had to be credit so i gave the kids their med and load us up to get to the next near town. So as i pull up to the gas station to get gas i try to use my card and it would not let me i even tried to use the ATM to get money and it would not let me and here where i said i was glad i had cash on me cause if it was not for the cash on hand i would of been stuck at the gas station till morning before i could get a hold of the bank . So I filled the tank up and got back on the road praying it would be over soon cause i was tired and worn out and majorly stiff from sitting so long behind the wheel of this truck .. the way it had been mapped out to me was i would have to drive to Springfield then come back down Ozark where J would then meet me and i followed her back to the house. As i was about 30 mins or so from Springfield i saw the road that said NN toward the Ozarks so i took and called J to have here be on her way to meet us of course that time it was after 2 am and i was soo done with this whole road trip thing.. We meet up with J in Ozark and we drove back to the house and by the time we got unload for what me need for the moment and settle in the house it was after 4 am before i was sleep and then I was back up at 7 am and then J and i got the kids settle for the day and her and I drove in to town and did some running one was getting a Po Box and switch all the kids insurances it was great then we got a storage unit and we unload all the stuff out of the U-haul and then Friday we went took the U-haul back and I got my Driver License which totally made my day i was a official Missourian and what made it more cool was they used my maiden last name instead of my married last name and then the weekend was a blur but it was great we had went to the creek and let the kids swim and jump off the bridge and Sunday we chilled and let the kids play . Today the kids chilled out watching DVD and I call lawyer got them to transfer the SSI case over to Missouri and even switch the number to be a Missouri one. I have to say it has been a very productive few days but We are all Happy here and can not wait till i can get a car and the my own place in Neosho and start seeing family .. well it time for me to draw this little story of mine to a end and thou it not the end of My children and Myself life it only just beginning more will come of it this am sure but to be honest i can not wait life a adventure and I am going to make the best out of it all. So i will caught ya'll on the flip side of thing and stay true to urself that who it mean more to then to be something u are not :o)
I was miserable in Georgia with no family and really not a lot of friends (those who was where always busy which is understandable but the rest was just not ever there for me ) and for a while i had been talking about wanting to move home . My friend J and I talk about it (just so you know J and i have been best friends in High School so I have known her for over 18 plus years always was there for me always had my back just as I had her's ) and well in stead of waiting for my Disability to come in the Kids and I would move now cause at that time there was no telling when I get to court and all .. So as we plan everything out to the letter had it worked out that J and a friend T was going to drive up to Georgia and get the kids and I help us move the stuff in the U-Haul and we all drive back to the great state of Missouri . Well as time went we had to move the date up a month earlier then plan then it got to be the house never sold so J couldn't drive up so I took it a pond my self to do the moving and the driving with 3 small children in the U-haul with me .. OMG what a pain in the butt that was first my mom came down and help me go to get the U-haul then tried to help me and the kids pack it which what should of only took a few hours at the most end up taking a lot longer and we didn't even pack all the stuff .. I left behind all my dresser, my bed, my daughter bed and even some dishes and appliances cause i was struggling to move the heavier items. Hell i even had the dolly fall on me loaded down with heavy boxes had to get help to get it off of me. I ended up cover in bruise of all shapes and sizes i swear even my inside was bruised up from that fall. We had started loading the U-haul up about or around noon and it was not even till almost 6 before we was done loading the U-haul and my mother truck up by that time i was hurting so bad that standing was feeling like i was walking on broken glass, my back and arms felt has they had been pulled from my body by such forces that was not humanly possible. I had drank more water that day then i think i have ever in my life but yet it was not even enough i has sweated out more then i was able to put in. I swear to you i really think i lost at least 5 to 10 pounds that day moving .. Even thou we had the truck load and mom was on her was back to South Carolina I was still there in Georgia for one more night and no way was i going to spend it at that house with no Air. The kids and I was to over heated from moving stuff I figured a night in a nice but cheap hotel would be a good thing. Little did i know that my day that was turning worse for the wear.
We had decided to stay at Super 8 Hotel due to the way the Hotel was located on the road and with me driving a big freaking truck i figured it was easier to then trying to cross traffic but i was also told it would be cheap well it was not but the lady there was so sweet and nice she gave us the room at a cheaper rate then what was normal and then when we got in to the room the air was not working. She even went and found a new room and even had the air on for us and let us know and even gave the kids some snacks for the road trip.. Well it took me a bit but i got the kids feed and settle down to sleep of course by that time it was almost 10 pm at night which was way past their normal bedtime . I had tried to eat even thou I knew i need to i was just not that hungry. I made the phone call i had to make then i try to settle down. Around 3 am i woke up feeling as i was going to die and get sick to my stomach of course i did i spent the next few hour of 3 am till 7 am leaning over the bed with my head in a trash can praying that i would stop throwing up no such luck for me..So as the time to get up i was feeling like the living dead but i knew that i had to get moving we had what i thought at that time a 12 and half hour drive which the way my luck was going turn out to be longer way longer. Of course i had to drop mom tag off for her van at the DMV which in turn told me mom had to be there to sign for it or i could mail it inn with no signing for it was a was of a hour of my time so by the time we got on the road it was nearly 9 am and of course as i just gotten the hwy to start out trip the kids inform me they had to pee. So not even 10 mins in the trip we are pulling over to get off on a exited to go to the gas station to let them pee and i went a head and filled up my huge mug full of water and crushed ice so that i have something to drink then we got back on the road. Things seam to being good we traveled toward Atlanta made it there by 11am and got thou the turns and what nos to be on the right road heading Alabama which was not that bad of a trip i pointed out to the kids as we past each milestone like when we change time zone and went from being 12:03 to being 11:03 which the kids thought was a hoot. to when we crossed the state line from state to state or even town that was major one we was looking for all seem to be okay eve when i filled up at the Alabama State line and only paid 3.59 for gas and it only cost total of 83 buck but that when thing took a turn for the worse and almost scary was after i had gotten gas for the truck i had also bought some No-Doze and a shot of energy drink which was to help me stay awake cause the road was making me sleepy while driving and we had not even been on the road but for a few hours so here ai am downing two No-Doze and drink a large thing of Dr Pepper my nerves are starting to jump a bit around and did ok till we almost got to Birmingham, Alabama and had to stop to get something to eat then it had been almost 1 pm . so we pulled over at a taco bell to have lunch the kids had their kids me and I for the first time tried a Doritos Loco taco which i have to say are AMAZING!!!! lol and we rested for a few mins till my legs was calm down and not jumping all over the place then got back on the road worked our way to Missouri at this time it was already after 2 pm almost 3pm and we was only half way there or at least i thought i was. Hours flew by and we had cross in to Mississippi and then as i was looking for a exited that had a gas station I could stop at a highway cop turn his light one scaring the HELL out of me to the point my face was all tingling like i was hyperventilating or having a heart attack but all he wanted was to get by me so he could speed thou i was so close to tears ... For those who don't know me know I hate COPS of any kind had to many bad experiences with them i do not trust them it took me till we got to the Pilot gas station to start to calm down enough that my heart did not hurt like hell in my chest in New Albany, Mississippi . Of course it did not help that i was jacked up on No-Dozed two doses which i found out make you very jumpy lol . and waiting in line to get gas was not a strong suit of mine lol .. But of course i had no choice i had run the truck almost out of gas and was not taking a chance i ran out all the way it took me nearly 100.00 to fill it up and that price was at 3.53 a gallon i can only imitation what it really been if i had to pay a higher price and to boot the stupid card of mine would not go thou as credit but only as debt and i did not think of it at that time that it cause problems for me all i can say is thanks goodness i had cash on me but i explain later i am once again getting a head of my self .. So here it is already after 6 pm and we are still in Mississippi and still had a way to go and we still had at least another 50 miles to Memphis Tn .. So as we travel the last mile to Memphis thinking we are almost home the winds start to pick up i am talking i had trouble staying straight on the road. It was blowing me everywhere and i was white knuckling the steering wheel afraid i was going to loose control of the truck and flip the truck of course as we get in and cross the state line of Tennessee and up on Memphis I get lost in Memphis and end up in the south side which is not a good area to be at if your lost and in a U-haul and have now clue where to go so i pull out the cell phone look up the nearest gas station and stop to ask for direction to get to the hwy i need only to find out i am across where i need to go (shake my head lol ) so i climb back in the truck slam down the other energy drink shot which yucky it tasted gross lol and take off again we finally made it back on track and made it to the bridge of the Mississippi River that crossed into Arkansas thinking that we only had 2 or 3 more hours cause according to the map we only had the tip of Arkansas to get thou. Boy was i wrong even tho we had stop at the gas station to get dinner I called J and my daughter to let them know where i was . We took a bit to get back on the road but we did after the kids had eaten and went to the bathroom. Off we went down the long dark road by this time it was almost after 8pm and thinking just a few more hours and i be there and we can get of of this stupid truck but Boy was I wrong more then ever i already knew i was going to have to fill up again soon in gas which make it the third time i had to fill up :( was not happy about that but what could i do so we traveled thou the night in Arkansas . The wind was blowing the night was dark and not another car on the road which was okay but yet at the same time it was creepy and to boot there was no light but my own on the road. So as i drive the road get smaller and turns to a 2 lane road which i hate and of course i hate driving at night expelly when i do not know where i am going . We stop like 2 times to find out where we are at and to see if we are on the right road the last time we stop it was at a McDonald and I ask the Cop (remember I hate cops and already had the daylight scared out of me earlier) and he looking like I am from Mars or something and he like Ma'am it is that way to the State line about 17 mile . So I thank him and took off and head the way he told ad of course it never fails the road was curvy and hill and could only go 45 mile a hour which sucked when u have got a semi truck on ur butt and he can not pass u .. So as the mile pass we finally cross the Missouri state line and stop at the truck stop to get gas and call J to let her know we are in Missouri and at this time it is almost 12 am only to find out we still had two more more to go and i could not use my debt card there had to be credit so i gave the kids their med and load us up to get to the next near town. So as i pull up to the gas station to get gas i try to use my card and it would not let me i even tried to use the ATM to get money and it would not let me and here where i said i was glad i had cash on me cause if it was not for the cash on hand i would of been stuck at the gas station till morning before i could get a hold of the bank . So I filled the tank up and got back on the road praying it would be over soon cause i was tired and worn out and majorly stiff from sitting so long behind the wheel of this truck .. the way it had been mapped out to me was i would have to drive to Springfield then come back down Ozark where J would then meet me and i followed her back to the house. As i was about 30 mins or so from Springfield i saw the road that said NN toward the Ozarks so i took and called J to have here be on her way to meet us of course that time it was after 2 am and i was soo done with this whole road trip thing.. We meet up with J in Ozark and we drove back to the house and by the time we got unload for what me need for the moment and settle in the house it was after 4 am before i was sleep and then I was back up at 7 am and then J and i got the kids settle for the day and her and I drove in to town and did some running one was getting a Po Box and switch all the kids insurances it was great then we got a storage unit and we unload all the stuff out of the U-haul and then Friday we went took the U-haul back and I got my Driver License which totally made my day i was a official Missourian and what made it more cool was they used my maiden last name instead of my married last name and then the weekend was a blur but it was great we had went to the creek and let the kids swim and jump off the bridge and Sunday we chilled and let the kids play . Today the kids chilled out watching DVD and I call lawyer got them to transfer the SSI case over to Missouri and even switch the number to be a Missouri one. I have to say it has been a very productive few days but We are all Happy here and can not wait till i can get a car and the my own place in Neosho and start seeing family .. well it time for me to draw this little story of mine to a end and thou it not the end of My children and Myself life it only just beginning more will come of it this am sure but to be honest i can not wait life a adventure and I am going to make the best out of it all. So i will caught ya'll on the flip side of thing and stay true to urself that who it mean more to then to be something u are not :o)
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