I am back and happier then ever I am Home finally

Well folk it has been a while since i have written and for that I am truly sorry but thing had to be done pack and such what not but a lot of stuff has happen since i last wrote in here the major new is i have moved out of Georgia and is now back home in Missouri which for that i am totally grateful for new i have found out info on my Mr X and well let say u will be surprise but that getting ahead of my self on that one . So any ways back to the move that has transpire to change my and my children Whole life ......

    I was miserable in Georgia with no family and really not a lot of friends (those who was where always busy which is understandable but the rest was just not ever there for me ) and for a while i had been talking about wanting to move home . My friend J and I talk about it (just so you know J and i have been best friends in High School so I have known her for over 18 plus years always was there for me always had my back just as I had her's ) and well in stead of waiting for my Disability to come in the Kids and I would move now cause at that time there was no telling when I get to court and all .. So as we plan everything out to the letter had it worked out that J and a friend T was going to drive up to Georgia and get the kids and I help us move the stuff in the U-Haul and we all drive back to the great state of Missouri . Well as time went we had to move the date up a month earlier then plan then it got to be the house never sold so J couldn't drive up so I took it a pond my self to do the moving and the driving with 3 small children in the U-haul with me .. OMG what a pain in the butt that was first my mom came down and help me go to get the U-haul then tried to help me and the kids pack it which what should of only took a few hours at the most end up taking a lot longer and we didn't even pack all the stuff .. I left behind all my dresser, my bed, my daughter bed and even some dishes and appliances cause i was struggling to move the heavier items. Hell i even had the dolly fall on me loaded down with heavy boxes had to get help to get it off of me. I ended up cover in bruise of all shapes and sizes i swear even my inside was bruised up from that fall. We had started loading the U-haul up about or around noon and it was not even till almost 6 before we was done loading the U-haul and my mother truck up by that time i was hurting so bad that standing was feeling like i was walking on broken glass, my back and arms felt has they had been pulled from my body by such forces that was not humanly possible. I had drank more water that day then i think i have ever in my life but yet it was not even enough i has sweated out more then i was able to put in. I swear to you i really think i lost at least 5 to 10 pounds that day moving .. Even thou we had the truck load and mom was on her was back to South Carolina I was still there in Georgia for one more night and no way was i going to spend it at that house with no Air. The kids and I was to over heated from moving stuff I figured a night in a nice but cheap hotel would be a good thing. Little did i know that my day that was turning worse for the wear.
  We had decided to stay at Super 8 Hotel due to the way the Hotel was located on the road and with me driving a big freaking truck i figured it was easier to then trying to cross traffic but i was also told it would be cheap well it was not but the lady there was so sweet and nice she gave us the room at a cheaper rate then what was normal and then when we got in to the room the air was not working. She even went and found a new room and even had the air on for us and let us know and even gave the kids some snacks for the road trip.. Well it took me a bit but i got the kids feed and settle down to sleep of course by that time it was almost 10 pm at night which was way past their normal bedtime . I had tried to eat even thou I knew i need to i was just not that hungry. I made the phone call i had to make then i try to settle down. Around 3 am i woke up feeling as i was going to die and get sick to my stomach of course i did i spent the next few hour of 3 am till 7 am leaning over the bed with my head in a trash can praying that i would stop throwing up no such luck for me..So as the time to get up i was feeling like the living dead but i knew that i had to get moving we had what i thought at that time a 12 and half hour drive which the way my luck was going turn out to be longer way longer. Of course i had to drop mom tag off for her van at the DMV which in turn told me mom had to be there to sign for it or i could mail it inn with no signing for it was a was of a hour of my time so by the time we got on the road it was nearly 9 am and of course as i just gotten the hwy to start out trip the kids inform me they had to pee. So not even 10 mins in the trip we are pulling over to get off on a exited to go to the gas station to let them pee and i went a head and filled up my huge mug full of water and crushed ice so that i have something to drink then we got back on the road. Things seam to being good we traveled toward Atlanta made it there by 11am and got thou the turns and what nos to be on the right road heading Alabama which was not that bad of a trip i pointed out to the kids as we past each milestone like when we change time zone and went from being 12:03 to being 11:03 which the kids thought was a hoot. to when we crossed the state line from state to state or even town that was major one we was looking for all seem to be okay eve when i filled up at the Alabama State line and only paid 3.59 for gas and it only cost total of 83 buck but that when thing took a turn for the worse and almost scary was after i had gotten gas for the truck i had also bought some No-Doze and a shot of energy drink which was to help me stay awake cause the road was making me sleepy while driving and we had not even been on the road but for a few hours so here ai am downing two No-Doze and drink a large thing of Dr Pepper my nerves are starting to jump a bit around and did ok till we almost got to Birmingham, Alabama and had to stop to get something to eat then it had been almost 1 pm . so we pulled over at a taco bell to have lunch the kids had their kids me and I for the first time tried a Doritos Loco taco which i have to say are AMAZING!!!! lol and we rested for a few mins till my legs was calm down and not jumping all over the place then got back on the road worked our way to Missouri at this time it was already after 2 pm almost 3pm and we was only half way there or at least i thought i was. Hours flew by and we had cross in to Mississippi and then as i was looking for a exited that had a gas station I could stop at a highway cop turn his light one scaring the HELL out of me to the point my face was all tingling like i was hyperventilating or having a heart attack but all he wanted was to get by me so he could speed thou i was so close to tears ... For those who don't know me know I hate COPS of any kind had to many bad experiences with them i do not trust them it took me till we got to the Pilot gas station to start to calm down enough that my heart did not hurt like hell in my chest in New Albany, Mississippi . Of course it did not help that i was jacked up on No-Dozed two doses which i found out make you very jumpy lol . and waiting in line to get gas was not a strong suit of mine lol .. But of course i had no choice i had run the truck almost out of gas and was not taking a chance i ran out all the way it took me nearly 100.00 to fill it up and that price was at 3.53 a gallon i can only imitation what it really been if i had to pay a higher price and to boot the stupid card of mine would not go thou as credit but only as debt and i did not think of it at that time that it cause problems for me all i can say is thanks goodness i had cash on me but i explain later i am once again getting a head of my self .. So here it is already after 6 pm and we are still in Mississippi and still had a way to go and we still had at least another 50 miles to Memphis Tn .. So as we travel the last mile to Memphis thinking we are almost home the winds start to pick up i am talking i had trouble staying straight on the road. It was blowing me everywhere and i was white knuckling the steering wheel afraid i was going to loose control of the truck and flip the truck of course as we get in and cross the state line of Tennessee and up on Memphis I get lost in Memphis and end up in the south side which is not a good area to be at if your lost and in a U-haul and have now clue where to go so i pull out the cell phone look up the nearest gas station and stop to ask for direction to get to the hwy i need only to find out i am across where i need to go (shake my head lol ) so i climb back in the truck slam down the other energy drink shot which yucky it tasted gross lol and take off again we finally made it back on track and made it to the bridge of the Mississippi River that crossed into Arkansas thinking that we only had 2 or 3 more hours cause according to the map we only had the tip of Arkansas to get thou. Boy was i wrong even tho we had stop at the gas station to get dinner I called J and my daughter to let them know where i was . We took a bit to get back on the road but we did after the kids had eaten and went to the bathroom. Off we went down the long dark road by this time it was almost after 8pm and thinking just a few more hours and i be there and we can get of of this stupid truck but Boy was I wrong more then ever i already knew i was going to have to fill up again soon in gas which make it the third time i had to fill up :( was not happy about that but what could i do so we traveled thou the night in Arkansas . The wind was blowing the night was dark and not another car on the road which was okay but yet at the same time it was creepy and to boot there was no light but my own on the road. So as i drive the road get smaller and turns to a 2 lane road which i hate and of course i hate driving at night expelly when i do not know where i am going . We stop like 2 times to find out where we are at and to see if we are on the right road the last time we stop it was at a McDonald and I ask the Cop (remember I hate cops and already had the daylight scared out of me earlier) and he looking like I am from Mars or something and he like Ma'am it is that way to the State line about 17 mile . So I thank him and took off and head the way he told ad of course it never fails the road was curvy and hill and could only go 45 mile a hour which sucked when u have got a semi truck on ur butt and he can not pass u .. So as the mile pass we finally cross the Missouri state line and stop at the truck stop to get gas and call J to let her know we are in Missouri and at this time it is almost 12 am only to find out we still had two more more to go and i could not use my debt card there had to be credit so i gave the kids their med and load us up to get to the next near town. So as i pull up to the gas station to get gas i try to use my card and it would not let me i even tried to use the ATM to get money and it would not let me and here where i said i was glad i had cash on me cause if it was not for the cash on hand i would of been stuck at the gas station till morning before i could get a hold of the bank . So I filled the tank up and got back on the road praying it would be over soon cause i was tired and worn out and majorly stiff from sitting so long behind the wheel of this truck .. the way it had been mapped out to me was i would have to drive to Springfield then come back down Ozark where J would then meet me and i followed her back to the house. As i was about 30 mins or so from Springfield i saw the road that said NN toward the Ozarks so i took and called J to have here be on her way to meet us of course that time it was after 2 am and i was soo done with this whole road trip thing.. We meet up with J in Ozark and we drove back to the house and by the time we got unload for what me need for the moment and settle in the house it was after 4 am before i was sleep  and then I was back up at 7 am and then J and i got the kids settle for the day and her and I drove in to town and did some running one was getting a Po Box and switch all the kids insurances it was great then we got a storage unit and we unload all the stuff out of the U-haul and then Friday we went took the U-haul back and I got my Driver License which totally made my day i was a official Missourian and what made it more cool was they used my maiden last name instead of my married last name and then the weekend was a blur but it was great we had went to the creek and let the kids swim and jump off the bridge and Sunday we chilled and let the kids play . Today the kids chilled out watching DVD and I call lawyer got them to transfer the SSI case over to Missouri and even switch the number to be a Missouri one. I have to say it has been a very productive few days but We are all Happy here and can not wait till i can get a car and the my own place in Neosho and start seeing family .. well it time for me to draw this little story of mine to a end and thou it not the end of My children and Myself life it only just beginning more will come of it this am sure but to be honest i can not wait life a adventure and I am going to make the best out of it all. So i will caught ya'll on the flip side of thing and stay true to urself that who it mean more to then to be something u are not :o)

Dad releases audio of teachers allegedly bullying autistic son

Dad releases audio of teachers allegedly bullying autistic son


this make me so effing mad am seeing red and if it was me i would make sure those stupid people who call them self a teacher need to be fired with out pay.. If this ever happen to my Autistic son I woulds make sure THEY life was a living HELL!!!!!

Here I stand a song I wrote

Here I stand

(just a side note beside poems I use to write song lyrics so bear with e it been that long of a time since i last wrote one enjoy)


I sit here in the dark tear streaming down my faces.
Your face come to my mind and my heart break even more
I told myself I would let another hurt me again
And instead u walk right in and stoked my heart string
Crept in like a thief in the night and walk away with my heart
How could you be the one who walk tho my wall I build around me
How is it you could look at me know who I was and still took my heart

    I lost my way , I lost my way,  I lost who I am , I lost who I am
    It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
    I lost my way , I lost my way,  I lost who I am , I lost who I am  
    It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win

It hurt so bad how I love you now when I never wanted to love
How is it possible I didn't see the lie that floats around you like a flag
It cut me deeper to see how you played me for a fool
Without you I live a little closer to the edge of death

   I lost my way , I lost my way,  I lost who I am , I lost who I am   
   It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
   I lost my way , I lost my way,  I lost who I am , I lost who I am   
   It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will  never win

In the end you had done what you set out to do you have stole my heart
So clever you have done to these endeavors to my heart
It is over it is growing strong till I will fade away
You sneak in like a thief in the night and took my heart
Surround me till I feel apart I feel you creeping in on me
I just never knew this day would come to the end

      I lost my way , I lost my way,  I lost who I am , I lost who I am   
      It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
      I lost my way , I lost my way,  I lost who I am , I lost who I am   
      It was never fair I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight I will never win

I hate what I have become. I hate who I am now intoxicated by what I though was a love from you
Now all I want to do is burn this world down I have lost my mind it cause you had to have it all
You had to take what was not your you greedy man who had to have it all
Don't you have enough without taking what you don't deserve

        I lost my way , I lost my way,  I lost who I am , I lost who I am   
        It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
        I lost my way , I lost my way,  I lost who I am , I lost who I am   
        It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win

Are you so cold you could not face me like a man had to stalk in the shadows
One by one you made your way in to my heart . you are so cold you had to take what was not yours
You had a plan all along to bend me to your will but that all right i will not let you have another try
You are so cold but you feel so alive but lay a hand on me and you will see how i end it alright

          I lost my way , I lost my way,  I lost who I am , I lost who I am   
          It was never fair. I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
          I lost my way , I lost my way,  I lost who I am , I lost who I am   
          It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win

Here I stand helpless and left for dead but you close your eyes that so many days go by and
you don't even know what you did to me
I say good bye as I rather dances with the devil tonight I can not look you in the eye as I am dancing with the devil
I had believed in you and you had show me the truth of your self you are the devil I dance with tonight
Came as a thief in to my heart and took what you wanted left me to dance with the devil
                   Here I stand helpless and left for dead i know
               I lost my way , I lost my way,  I lost who I am , I lost who I am  
            It was never fair, I never had a chance, It was not a fair fight, I will never win
You crept into my heart and stole it from me so I sit here in the dark with tears streaming down my face again


copyright©2012-ahsws-B-SAW-company-©2012

so sorry for not writing

hey everyone wanted to say I am sorry I have not written in a while but between the death of my Beloved Rocky and me moving back home I am so busy and have not had time to sit down and write .. I wanted to say I am sorry and for all that do read this and I am not talking to myself thank you for understanding and I promise after 19 days then I be on my way home and after i get settle in I promise I be back up and running again so please bear with me love ya ..

Ain't that a shame!

My heart is numb...
No longer beating a beat
I am but a shadow of who I once was ..
I am numb to the world hate want to fill me up yet what little of who I was won't let it ...
I no longer care I no longer feel numb is what I am ..
Take heed of what I say if I still talk to you count yourself lucky
For the rest of the world can kiss my ASS...
I will allow small amount of those I know truly care into my heart but those who hate or care not for me or my own can go straight to Hell ...
I no longer care of what other think of me or my own ..
Love me as I am or leave me alone ....
I have no time for ignorance nor tolerate those who hate...
Drama is in Ur name begone
Ur wasting Ur time
Hear my words for I won't speak them again ...
I am done with love and done with care , done with the HUMAN RACE...
For I care no more don't paterize me by saying this to shall pass ..
It a little to late it was a long time a coming ..
I did my best but I was beaten down by the race ..
I can no longer believe that this is what is called fate ...
I had it up to here beyond my face..
My eyes have lost it sparkle...
My soul has lost it faith..
I AM NOT HERE'S OR THERE BUT A SHELL OF THAT OF THE HUMAN RACE......
I CARE NO MORE OF WHAT HAPPEN TO ME SO JUST LET ME BE ..
You can't help me now I done fallen down...
No way to get up....
You all have let my cry's of help fall on your deaf ears....
To little to late for me....
I CARE NO MORE...
Ain't that a shame..
©copyright-2012©-ahsws-B-SAW-company2012©

Broken am I

My heart is broken
Shatter into a million pieces
A hole that once was a heart
Numb is the feeling I am
I am hollow a empty shell of my self
Ripped from my chest now lays stomped at my feet
Humanity has broken me
If it was not for My Children
I would lay in bed to waste way
They say get up get over it
You need to move on
But how when you lost something you love so dearly
That was a part of your everyday life
I have cried till I can not cry no more
I am hollow, a shallow, shadow of who I once was
Humanity, Socialite, Socialist, Mankind
What ever you may call it has let me down
Has beaten me to the ground
Taken my Will
Taken my fight
Taken my Joy
Taken my Love
Taken who I am and twisted me inside out
Inside out Outside in
I am bended, twisted,stripped, ripped, and most importantly jaded  
My heart is broken ripped out of my chest stomped in the ground and hole is now left
This is all you will see ........
I am Broken irrecoverably Broken beyond repair...........

copyright©2012-ahsws-B-SAW-company-©2012

lost of my beloved pet and family member Rocky

I know it been a while and I told you folk why well this weekend has been the worst for me I am living in a nightmare of hellish proportion that I can not seam to get out of and it is killing me. Started on Friday after I got home from paying the bills for the month when I went to get my baby Rocky out of his kennel in my room and give him some dog food I just gave him the last of what I had that morning and I was excited I gotten two 50 pounds of dog food .. When I notice Rocky was not himself at first I chalked it up he was hot maybe and just kept a eye on him  but when he started to throw up, I got concern started to call around to those who knew more about dogs then I did and did what was said to help him (Jello water to help keep him hydrated) thou the night after calling a friend who was like a vet we figure from the way he was acting he was blocked up in the back end part well Friday nit turn in to Saturday morning and he seam to be doing better keeping water down and not throwing up still was not eating but if you spent the night throwing up you would not wanna eat either. So I let him go outside thinking he was safe in my own back yard . Boy was I wrong I was in the house in my room doing a few thing to get ready for my mom to come in town when my other dog Country girl started going crazy barking in the hallway i got up to see what going on i glanced out the window not a guy walking away from what at the time look to be my yard and notice he had a dog with same coloring as Rocky but did not think anything of it but felt I need to check on Rocky went outside and notice Rocky was GONE .. I call to my son to get his shoes on and we both searched the yard under any and everything a dog can get under went thou the house just encase he came inside NOTHING .. I even had my son walk down the street to see if he saw him still NOTHING I got upset called the polices . With in 15 mins from calling them the officer showed up and took my report I made a paper copy of a picture of Rocky.. She gave me a card with my case number on it and told me she would go look down the streets around to see what she could find him . I went in side to lay down and cry I could not believe someone had took my baby of course i put what was going on with it all on face book and when my friend had put on my status that they took my baby Rocky for a bait dog i got up and went to my bathroom to cry while I was in there I heard a sound of a car screeching to a halt the sound of a car door slam and then tire peeling off and my other dog barking like crazy .. I thought great some one ran into my car on the street just what I need it when I open up the door there was Rocky looking like someone had thrown him in the yard I grab him and brought him inside and notice he was worse then he had ever been He was so lethargic and barely moving .. I called the cops left a message that who ever took him brought him back .. I called the a vet from the internet and they all had said that that Rocky might of been poison ..Rocky was gone for over 4 hours no telling what was done to him while he was gone . I spent the day and night of Saturday doing everything I could to make him better talk to vet online and thou the phone when Sunday morning came around truly thought Rocky was doing so much better, He had wagged his tail at me got up on his own was keeping all the water and Jello water down his gums seamed pink and it look as if he was on the road to recovery at least that what the Vets and I thought .. as the day wore on He took a turn for the worse again and stop getting better and thou he was keeping water down he was loosing weight so bad he look really bad the vet said if he was still not better in the morning bring him in so as the night wore on around 10 ish or so I took Rocky outside to try to go potty cause His Pee was a good color still after him having dark red color on Saturday the vets thought that as long as we kept him hydrated he be okay till I got him to them on Monday but when i took him out potty he went to the bathroom and it was blood red and liquid I freaked out cause it smelled so bad called the vet and they didn't seam to worried cause I was giving him Jello water that was red so that what it could of been .. So I spent the rest of the night every 30 minutes making sure Rocky got water to keep him hydrated and getting little sleep . When We all got up on Monday morning called the Vet to let them know we was on our way with Rocky.. Letting them know what was going on Rocky who was so weak that he could barely walk and smelled like death and rotten meat i cried all the way there and right before we got there Rocky died in my arms .. The vets said there was nothing they could do but he was poison no doubt about it but then they wanted like almost a 100 bucks to take him off my hands and I said no I was going to go home with him and buried him to the east so that he would be at peace .. few hours latter the Cops called me and asked how Rocky was doing told them that he had died and They said he was sorry that happen and they wanted to find the person or persons that did this but unless they can find any leads or witness their hands was tied on going any further which broke my heart more .. It feel as if my heart has been  ripped out of my chest and stomped on . There is a hole in my chest and I am not sure it will ever heal and to boot the one person I thought that would be my rock my best friend and also lover of Rotti's .. Would not be there for me He could not deal with the depression and pain right now and that was like a Knife stabbed in already bleeding wound in my chest .. I feel as I am alone more so then ever and Do Not get me wrong I am thankful for all those who was praying and sending well wishes and healing thoughts for Rocky but even as I sit here alone the kids are still asleep surprisingly i am crying and the tear are carving a path down my face in a silent path I am to the point now if I could I just pack up the kids and get the hell out of here .. But at last I can not so I will wait only have 32 more day till my friend come and get me and the kids .. well I guess I better get off here and check on my kids and make sure all is well but I just wanted you to know what going on I have not slept a whole night thou in the past 4 days only had 4 hours sleep so far . I couldnt even sleep last night just lay there and stared at the wall .. I just have one word of advise to you all never leave ur dog outside alone please I DO NOT want anyone to ever feel what I am feeling ... I try to talk to you all later thanks for reading this and if no one does I am to the point I have almost given up on everything but my children I am still here for them and will always be but one thing I know is now I lost y beloved Pet and family member  Rocky and for the most part I have lost all if not most of my trust in society of Mankind ..shaking my head