disappointment in mankind

i am so disappointment in mankind . man has turn a blind eye to other and those around them with cell phone that seam to grow out of a person head even more so while they drive. the reason for my disgust is the fact that for a while now i have been with out a car so it has been ruff for me and my kids to get to the store or to doc appoints i have only been able to go once since my car broke down and with my nerve damage i should be seeing the doc more i have ask for ride and such but mostly i stick to asking for ride when i gotta shop or pay bills but like today i need to go to the bank to see if i could get a bank loan to get a car that is a 2 mile walk which just to walk there took me over a hour and half after i left bank i went to the store to get a few items i sat in the store for a few mins trying to gather my strength and let my legs rest and hope to stop the shaking. i walk home it took me nearly two hour to walk that same two mile as before and on my walk home i notices a few thing everyone was either had a cell phone growing out their head or they block their view with hand to their face as if they are afraid of seeing what going on around them and during my walk home i had to sit down on some stranger step to the front of the yard cause i could not walk no more my leg had given out and i just fell to the step. i sat there for at least 15 mins give or take cause i could not move my leg and what amazed me is not one person seam concern about what was happening to me and all i could think is how many time i pulled over no matter what and ask the person if they was alright or need a ride.. yes i know to some of you think i was stupid but how is helping someone who need some help i mean come on what happen to helping other as you what done to you .. all i know is i can not wait to get out of this cesspool of unwilling and selfish people and do not get me wrong i am sure my home state may not be perfect and i am remember it as i have from being a child but one thing i do know about Missouri and Oklahoma is if someone in trouble they stop to help no question ask. that the joy of a small town everyone know everyone but at least they treat you with respect and are always willing to help a person out. But here in Georgia forget about it and this is to be the bible state so called state of Christians.. please i seen the same so called Christians in church on Sunday but when Monday come right back to swearing and drinking or going out to the clubs on Friday and or Saturday.. Please just get over yourself i can not stand it here any more i have no family here and i got even fewer friends i truly can trust and that all on one hand. it make me sick how children treat their parents and how the parents do not discipline their children.. i am mean watch the new a child open fire in a busy school and killed 3 people and 2 are injured.. it break my heart that this child fell thou the cracks cause people do not care to ask their kids what going on with them .. my parents are not perfect but at least for the most part they took a active roll in my life and cause of that i did not do something stupid like the kids of the world do today.. we as parents have failed our children we allow them to watch to much tv and crap for that matter that they have no business watching they no  more about how to kill something on a stupid game system then they do about our past history .. they wearing cloths that do not belong on a 10 or 14 year old i say that they got thong under wear for little girl am like are u fucking kidding me there no way in hell my 14 and 7 year old daughter are wearing thongs i do not care if they are worried about panty line that should not be a issue.. then boys wearing their pants so low u see their so called boxer i am like pull ur pants up i dont wanna see that on a adult let alone a child .. i am a single mom of 15 yrs, 14& 14 yrs, 9 , and 7&7 yrs old the kids that live with me have respect for me as i do for them there is no video game system in this house no tv allowed during the school week heck we have a room that hold all the kids toys called a play room so the only thing in their room is their beds and cloths/dresser. they know as soon as they get home from school homework has to be done and no one can play till everyone is done weekend and no school days (Friday - Sunday day, Sunday night is a school night) and the tv in the play room only allow approved channels like channel 3(PBS) , 16 (which is nick and if the show is over a tv rating it is blocked) then 22 and 23 (which is Disney and Disney xd ) that it nothing else . there is only on computer in the house and it in my room if the kids need to do something on the computer i am right there with them watching what they do and i wont allow them to have a facebook they are to young in opinion .. i do not care what people think about how i raise my children i know they are happy and healthy and are for the most part A and B students.. i truly think more parents need to be like i am and not allow their children to over run them stop letting them stay on the video games and make them get up and do chores around the house and use their imagination to play and i can say that the children will become better student and individuals in the long run and oh for pete sake take the cell phone away no child need a freaking IPhone let the children be children and not freaking minni adult . well i am done ranting for today hope everyone has a great day and to all who read this thanks you for all your support ... 

peeking thou closed eyes

laying here in bed this morning sounds of the alarms "blaring beep beep". ugh rolled over hit the snooze button peek thou closed eyes and spot what i was dreading to see. yup i see u there demon my purverable monkey in my back. i growl "damn you go away!". as always it just look at me with that look of mockery. my head is pounding like something is trying to rip it way out of my skull. a blinding pain right behind my eye. screaming ring out oh wait a minute that was in my head i was screaming in my head it seam i do that a lot lately. I hear the sounds of the children who i love more then anything moving around in their room getting ready for the day. I am still in bed i roll over to climb out of my huge bed over my many pillows that hides me in the night. my dog start to growl for my demon seam to be to close to him. i wonder why is it my dog can see this demon that follow me but no one else see it. is it cause they are lost in their own world to see what truly going on around them.
  oh well the day has began i must get my butt up and moving i make my pot of coffee thinking to my self ugh same thing everyday same routine day in and out one day . just once i like to go get my craved frozen cappuccino  from star bucks mmm i think to myself as my kids start asking me "Mom can i wear this?" . as i start to reply to them i hear the demon laugh under my breath so the kids didn't hear me "shut up damn you" which make the demon laugh even more. with that i roll my eyes grabbing the right side of my head as the pain blinds me again. i stumble back to my room and telling the kids to "hurry up don't wanna be late now". i reach for my pack of smoke and walk outside to the porch with coffee in hand. i sit down on the swing lighting a smoke taken a deep drag and then exhale the left over smoke my lungs didn't take in. i sigh a "ahhh!" sigh of satisfaction as that first drag hit my system nothing beats that first drag of a cigarette. i hear the demon laugh "you know that going to kill you!" i turn to look at the demon as i take a slip of my hot coffee and reply back "screw u they say everything going to either kill u or give u cancer and i had cancer twice and i am still here. so just shut the hell up!" demon just laugh harder at me seam every time i talk back to anything demon said funnier demon think thing is and more clear you can see the demon.
  Well the bus came and got the kids and i am here left alone well not alone demon here. i roll my eyes at that thought and demon say "yup i am still here you can't get rid of me!". i spun around "don't count on that i will get rid of you and i will have the last laugh!" . just as i had said the demon started rolling on the floor laughing with tear in demons say u crack me up!" i just storm in to the house slamming the door to the sound of demons laughter. thinking well great here another day as i get ready for the day.......


copy write-2012-AHSWS-B-SAW-company-2012

I have demons that chase me

i have demons that chase me and no matter what i do they follow me so i take each day as i can some are better then others and days like today it not so grand.. we all have some kinda of demons or the purverable monkey on our backs. some choice not to see or unaware, other see them but choice to not care. then their are those that knows and choice to fight them and then there are those who are like me spend half the time running from such said monkey on the back or demons and the other half fighting them .but in the end it doesn't matter. whether u do not care or didn't know, fought or ran it is all destine before our time to loose in the end. that is why there so much self destruction of oneself and of another cause in reality of it all .we the human are the monkey on the back, the demons of society to earth !we rape and plunder, steal and distort thou out history.since the began of time.. call me mad, call me crazy if you will does not bother me. for maybe i am just a little mad and just a tad bit crazy, but till you walk a mile in my worn out shoes do not judge me (am not talking about u Luna or any of my friends)! for it is bad enough the life i have lived and suffer thou that at time. this is a living hell i walk and when i finally reach the end of this hell of a hwy on life at least i can say i stood up for my convection of who and what i am and not a coward of a human.......................

the end of end began to began

the end of end began to began

The day has come to a end and the night has began
the children are lay down to rest and I am in my room at not my very best
voice are screaming in my head
sounds of crying in my head
sounds of laughing hysterical run thou my head
sound of screams
sounds sounds sounds running thou my head
what is going on in my head
am I loosing it
am i totally nuts
have i finally snapped
my head is pounding
boom boom boom boom
i just wanna scream
i see the knife on the table top
it gleams in the light
maybe maybe just maybe
i reach my hand stop just short
tear began to fall
i fall to the floor
shaking as the weight of the world weight heavy on my shoulder
i am struggling to breath
rocked with sobbing uncontrolling
sliver of light lines the wall
i began to see the light of a new day
i made thou the night
i gather myself composer
the children will be up for the light get much longer
walk to my room splash water on my face
plant the smile on my face for my children sake
readjust the weight of the world back on my shoulder
sigh to my self try to held my head high
for the night had come to the end the day just began
another one done and another just began



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it monday again joy of all joys lol

well it Monday again seems the day fly by to fast and yet at times not fast enough. Sorry i didn't write yesterday my rotti the silly puppy had got his chain wrapped around my knees and knocked me over causing my left knee cap flip over and land in the wrong spot on my leg. Hurt like hell i won't lie i cried like a baby but oh well it over with my left knee swollen but i should be okay i have had that happen before on my knee only it was the right one. Any who i wonder does anyone read this or am i talking to myself sorta speak. well i guess if you guys are reading this then cool if not oh well it not i am doing this for anyone person just doing it for myself.
  Well last night i watch movies after the kids went to bed watch 127 hour and let me say this wow it was weird but very good almost in the line of the Blair Witch project  but way better and all i can say is i don't think i could cut my hand off like he did. but then again you never know what you do if you was in that kinda problem. then i watch Ghost Rider 2 and i have to say that was epic I love the graphic in it and the main person in the movie Johnny Blaze( Nicolas Cage did a wonderful job of acting like a man gone crazy with a cruses lol
  I love watching movies it like a escape from reality expelly romance films kinda like reading a book which i love to read to at this moment between my nook and my own personal own library. Which come to on my nook i own 239 book and hard copy of books and that in it self  is over 300 books. Can't you see how much i love to read. I so wish i had all my books i own hard copy on my nook it would be so cool to have them there too. Now don't get me wrong i still go to the public library to check out book. To hold a book that has most likely have travel to unknown place held  by who know who is exciting. For all you know Lady GAGA held that very same book your holding right now. I mean really think about it plus to hold a book help you stay in touch with reality of life. Cause there use to be a time when you could own a book unless you was rich and or a man. And if you was of a different color or races you was not allowed to have or own a book. To me i think that stupid EVERYONE IS EQUAL and there for should always be able to own or read or have a book. I DO NOT CARE what color you are or where you from or if you have money or not went to college or even school or if your a man or a women or both. To me everyone is EQUAL in my eyes. I am no better then anyone I am just me something am good at and a lot that i am not. I will never claim to be perfect I am far from it. I stumble and fall i just get myself up and do the best i can and i teach my kids the same thing.
  GRRR sometime people who act stupid make me mad but at the same time i just pray they will see the light that what they feel might just be wrong. I can not change the whole world but i can help make it a better place by teaching my kids to not be a bully,or a racist, or ignorant person they are to love all for who that person is on the inside not the outside!! This is where the Christians and I totally disagree I believe you can not help who you fall in love with whether its man and man, women and women, or man and women.. I can not say how or why we have gays but to me they are just the same as I am. Not better or worse then me they are people too and they love and hurt so for all those who say that if your gay your going to hell need to learn to grow up. Ugh i swear people that like to bash other people just plain make me mad but now do not get me wrong I don't like the way people treat other but I will not go out and say bad and hurtful things about them.. and if you feel that I am doing just that NO i am not just saying how i feel. I don't go out and kill or beat someone one up for what they say i just do not agree with them..
  Well enough of that do not wanna be upset.. Well this is going to suck it raining outside and i have to walk or try to walk to the store. YUCKY!! I love the rain but not when it cold and i gotta walk in it lol i have a hard enough time trying to walk with my crutches add water it nearly impossible. May be if i wait a little bit more it will stop just long enough for me to try to get there and back :( who knows lol my kids said i need one of those rascal battery chairs I laugh and ask them are you saying am to old and bless my son he like no mom i just think it would make it easier for you to get around lol.. well at time like today i think he right lol
  oh well i better go i need to grab a shower and get ready for the day .. here to hoping you all if someone or anyone reads this that you all have a good Monday and be thankful Monday only comes around one time a week lol i am out of here and talk to you on the flip side of the pillow :)

LOVER EMBRACES

Lay here awake
Thoughts of you run thou my head
The slide of your caresses on my skin
The heat of your breath on my neck
Fire of flames where your tongue touches me
Flames of desire lick my very soul
Memory of your body pressed to mine in a lover embraces
Whispers of sweet love words said to one another
Hearts that beat as two becomes one beat
Candles flames flicker thou the late midnight sky
Breezes of Passion float thou the winter night
Soft sigh of delight exited swollen lips of Passion
Wait this Is just a distanced sustainable memory
You are the past I wish had not let gone away but at last
Your forever in my memory
You hold my heart till the end of my heart beat
Love you forever can not compare to what is in my heart
My dream lover till we meet again
And hold me in your warm safe embraces.....

Copy write-2012-ahsws-B-SAW-Company-2012

just one of those day

oh my goodness of all that is HOLY I swear I am having one of those day.. First it starts off yesterday by having a Tornado come thou town! HELLO I live on the coast normally this thing just don't happen the worst i seen happen is a micro burst or a simple heavy wind storm but a tornado in a bowl of a town oh well. It happen and all I can say was no one was ready for it even I wasn't ready and I use to live in Tornado Alley. the wind was so strong it blow my door open and knocking the door in to me knocking me down. So i end up hurting my back the storm knock out the power for almost 4 hour.. That in it self was oh so much fun with kids home who are afraid of the dark .. Well the power came back on so the kids got settle down and watch T.V. I spent the night between hurting and not able to sleep to dealing with my oldest son not be able to sleep keep thinking the tornado would come back finally at almost 5 am i was then woke up back at 7 am to the dogs whining wanting to go outside and to my Rotti getting out the yard twice and the pharmacy messing up my son night med again for the second time (first was not delivering it with the other kids medication last nigh) so the pharmacy going to fix it and send it back out to me..
  So here I sit writing to you guys and thou i doubt any one read this  I still figure I till write. I did write a new poem last night when i couldn't sleep it called Lover Embraces .. I will post it in a few minutes hope you guys like it well i best be going the kids are calling me talk to u guys later :)